Thinking about the first few minutes of a first date often sends potential daters into a spiral of despair. There is excitement mixed with hope which is then topped off with a healthy mix of I’m-going-to-fail and I-should-just-give-up-now swirled together. It’s no reason to give up hope if you’re willing to examine yourself and your actions, come up with a plan of action that will lead to success and follow through on it!
If there is a way to fail men have thought of it. Often when a guy sees he’s doing something wrong he’ll search for a way to fix it. It’s in our nature to fix things. But if we don’t realize it’s broke…
With that said, let me add that 90% of guys are broke when it comes to the way they approach and handle women. This is why it is so difficult for guys to take easy-to-use-advice and apply it to their discourse with women to achieve success. Quite simply, they don’t think they need advice. They are doing just fine on their own. Those other guys that date all the time, they just have something extra, something that this guy doesn’t think he has.
To paraphrase Nietzsche, “Our greatest failing is that we so often mistake cause for coincidence.”
What does that mean exactly?
Let’s take an example. You were on a date with a girl and when the check came you immediately placed your credit card down and she replied with a bright smile and a big thank you. A couple dates later you managed to sleep with her and you remembered how she smiled when you did the quick draw on your credit card. You thought that being a “gentleman” was the cause of you later being able to have a sexual relationship with her.
FALSE!
That, my friend, is exactly what Nietzsche was talking about! It was just coincidence. You did do something that caused her to want to get freaky with you but that wasn’t it. But, you claim, she smiled and was very profusely thanked you for doing it?!? If it worked like that then guys would sleep with every woman they bought dinner for…but they don’t. In fact I’d say the percentage of success for dinner dates is about 15%. Tops!
But, but, but, but…
Yes, you did something that made her want to sex you up, but probably you’re unaware of what, and the things you think caused your lucky five minutes of fun, are more than likely wrong.
Sometimes when I’m at a date kind of place I spot people who I know are one a first date. It’s a cute little catastrophe and usually I can’t take my eyes away! It’s like trying to turn away from a train wreck or a plane crash…impossible! What gives off that ‘first date’ aroma, you ask? First off, the guy is intensely interested in what she is saying…so much so that he is leaning in and nodding in all the right places. Oh no! That’s just what you do on your first dates? LOL. Second, when she talks about what she likes he listens and makes a mental note. Without hearing the conversation I can tell this is happening because he makes large gestures to signal that he is both listening (intently!) and interested. What kind of gesture? Perhaps he scoots in, shifts his body and nods, or he gives a one word response which she essentially ignores as she continues talking about whatever it is that she cares about. Third, they continue on one line of conversation until it is completely finished off and is then followed up by an *awkward silence* which they both notice then frantically try to think of something to shove in there. Oh, no! Maybe we’re just not compatible! Maybe we’re not meant to be! Hahahahahahahaha
I’ve had a number of first dates. For about a year after I changed the way I thought about women I was having anywhere between 2 – 4 dates a week. That means each of those was with a different girl. I’m not going to tell you I slept with all of them, and only rarely do I even try to have sex on the first date (I’ll tell you why shortly) but very often they were successful. What do I mean by successful? They went home wanting to see me again. Often times they desperately wanted to see me again. I’m not bragging because, you see, not too many years ago I went weeks or months between dates just like everyone else. But I changed that. I once went seven months without a single date! That’s just silly! And there is no reason for it!
How does that relate to the first two minutes of your date? Well, the first 2 minutes are so vital that it’s almost impossible to recover from a bad start. Don’t get me wrong, you can recover, I’ve done it myself now and again, but it’s hard and most of the time not worth the effort. Do I still have bad dates? Yes, of course, but not often and usually because I find that I am immediately not interested in this girl. Okay, before we go over the first 2 minutes…let’s get something straight…
You have not…
Called more than once.
Asked her where to meet.
Implied that you have all night.
Wondered what to wear out loud.
Asked what she likes to do.
Asked where she likes to go.
Good, now let’s go over how the first 2 minutes start.
She sees you – How you walk, what you’re wearing and how you move are going to give her about 60% – 70% of how she feels about you. Let’s go over them in more detail.
How you walk – you must walk with confidence. No small steps, no shuffling of your feet, no dragging your shoes. Rather you must have a good stride and you must walk with a purpose. Head up and eyes on the target. Watch Animal Planet and see how the predators watch their prey. They are not looking their prey up and down they are just zeroed in and very alert.
What you’re wearing – Your clothes should stand out. People often think that they must bend over backwards not to stand out but that is not true at all. If it looks good, great, but it should never be casual or boring. Why? Men think that woman A only wants to date a guy that dresses like a rock star while woman B only wants to date men in suits. FALSE! Although any woman may like a certain look they are open to anything. The reason you wear shirts with slashes of silver across it, or rings with strange symbols is because they make you stand out. Look at any animal during mating season. They are doing something to stand out…because it works. It’s a signal that you are interested in mating. Stack it up. You can make fun of people who do dress like this and not get laid –or- you can change the way you think about women, get with the program and get amazing results.
How you move – You want to walk right up, hold your hands out wide and wait for her to realize you want a hug. Perhaps she’s already standing, but either way she needs to get her a$$ in gear and give you a hug. Wait if you have to…with your arms out. Trust me, she will want to comply just to relieve the tension of the situation. Once she complies to you once it will be that much easier for her to do it again. She’s also expecting you to give her some kind of greeting/compliment at this point. Don’t. (But take notice of the powerful urge you have to do so! Now you know how she’s feeling when you put her in the same situation!) Once she hugs you, do one of the following…
Kiss on both cheeks – the first cheek is easy but she might not expect the second one…good! Tell her, “The other side! Don’t worry I won’t bite.” Then, without reservation, move your head to her other cheek and kiss. She will feel an incredible amount of social pressure to comply. Every time a girl complies to you it becomes that much easier for her to comply in the future. If it’s awkward she’ll think it’s her fault, after all you seem to do this all the time!
-or-
Give her the Princess Spin – “What the hell is the Princess Spin?” Only the most devastating move ever created. I’m not sure who came up with this but the guy who did is a fricken’ genius! Say, “Let me see your outfit,” as you hold out your hand at about chest level, palm up. When she places her hand in yours, raise it up above her head, say, “Spin like a Princess.” And then turn her. If you can get a Princess Spin in…well, just do it and see for yourself. Women love it. All ages. Every single woman is a little girl again, for just a second, mesmerized by everything in the world (including Prince Charming [you]) and ready to take chances again. Remember that when you touch a non familiar woman, for any reason, it is part of the mating ritual. This contact is hard to resist and also paves the way for future light touches to signal your interest.
Next, you connect – Guys usually do this in the same way. Here’s how…
Usually by sitting. Normally you sit across from her, facing her as if you are giving her your full attention (which you are, of course.) You keep your head up, your hands up on the table and your eyes on her eyes (trying not to check out her outfit). You ask her if she’s been waiting long or some other comment to start the conversation. Perhaps you tell her how nice she looks or if she found the place okay, or if the place was her idea you tell her how hard/easy it was to find. Then maybe you comment on the place itself. The whole time you’re watching closely to see if anything catches her interest and if it does then you pounce and work that subject as long as it holds up.
Sound familiar? If any of it does…then you’re just relying on luck. Yup, you’re not putting your best foot forward but you’re hoping that she overlooks it and likes you anyway. Good luck. Here’s how it should go…
If she arrived first…move. Tell her you don’t like the table, chair, restaurant, couch, club, place, location and then move to a different place. Just get up and she will follow. Do not ask her if it’s okay, do not pull out her chair or point to the place you want to go but rather start moving to the waiter to tell him you want to move or if it’s open just find a new spot. She’ll follow. Why, you ask? Compliance. It’s hard for her not to follow. Especially if she has complied to the kiss*kiss or Princess Spin.
As you settle in to your new spot keep your body turned slightly away from her as if you’re about to leave then ask her opinion on something. But make it seem like you could care less how she answers. You’re not rude, nor dismissive, but rather you just don’t seem to care too much. Called an opinion opener, this will relax her for several reasons…You are leading the conversation, you seem to think there might be some value to her opinion, and you don’t seem to care about too much. All very powerful Alpha Male characteristics.
By looking like you’re about to leave you give her just that impression…you could leave at any moment. She’ll feel that and act accordingly…she’s not sure she doesn’t want you yet so she will unconsciously want to comply to you to get you to stay. Then when you ask her opinion in a slightly dismissive fashion she again wonders why you’re not “in to her” like other guys. You’re not leaning in, fixated on her every word. As she answers tease her about her answers.
You: Do you think guys should wear make-up?
Her: No.
You: [laugh, smile] Never?
Her: No.
You: What about rock stars?
She considers a moment.
Her: Sure, I guess they have to.
You: You’re saying I’m not a rock star? [smile]
Her: You don’t look like a rock star.
You: [laugh] We don’t walk around in our rock star clothes, but trust me…I’m a rock star.
Her: [smiles] No, you’re not.
You: You want to come see my band? (I don’t have a band)
Her: Sure.
You: Well, you can’t. [smile]
You get the idea. This conversation can go a million different ways but actually it’s all the same. Just openings for you to tease her and make sure she’s really having a good time. Make-up is something that we know women are interested in. But we took it in a new direction. She wasn’t expecting that.
[smile!]
Never compliment because women have heard them a thousand times and so they don’t actually hear them at all. It’s just manners. How I get around that is by approving of something she says or does while I’m with her. If I use a Power Word on her (see my article, Power Words: Are there really mystical words that have a secret power over women? Yes!) such as feisty, as in…
Her: You can think what you want.
You: Feisty…I like that!
That’s a compliment she will notice…but I set it up by my previous actions. The more times she has complied to me the more the compliment will mean. (But don’t overuse them!)
Then I follow that by “pinning a compliment.” How? Like so…
Her: Think what you want.
You: Feisty…I like that. That makes me think that you’re the kind of girl that your friends really look up to.
You see…I based that idea on the fact that she said…”you can think what you want.”
It makes no sense. LOL.
Her being the kind of girl that her friends look up to in no way relates to her snapping off a feisty comment like, “Think what you want.” Because of this she won’t be able to dismiss it or ignore it because she can’t figure it out. You are seeing something she is not. For her it means you have control over her world. This is a powerful feeling for a woman and causes her to feel attraction toward you.
Her: People think I’m weird but I just never sleep with a guy on the first date.
You: Fantastic! That makes me think that you’re the kind of girl that knows what she wants in life. I like that.
This is actually called ‘reframing’. She has made a stand but I then translate her stand to mean that she is assertive in life. And that I like it. She sees herself through my eyes. This is compliance on her part. And because the “pinning” makes little or no sense she’ll have a hard time shaking it off but in order for her to be non-compliant she must.
In fact, I don’t want her to sleep with me but I do want her to think about it. Further if she says this then it is likely her body has reacted to what I have done so far…she feels her attraction and immediately seeks to control it. That’s good. She’s thinking about it. If a girl is thinking about how not to sleep with you…she is thinking about sleeping with you but trying not to! If you’re really interested in a girl do no sleep with her before spending at least 7 hours with her. She must feel like you have a real interest in her and she will feel this by the amount of time you spend with her.
You’re off to a great start. You’ll have to be really boring to mess up this beginning. Have fun and always smile! Smiling is the key to the kingdom!
About the Author: Dan has travelled the world looking for life’s mysteries and secrets. He’s been to film school, taught English in Japan, been thrown in jail in several countries, and walked some of the dark roads of life. He’s known mesmerizing women and total, abject despair. He loves the smell of fresh rain and the touch of a kindred soul.
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