Trying to talk to your partner sometimes feels like a bad golf swing. You have the finest intentions, give it your best shot, and somehow end up in the rough, usually having no idea how you got so off course. Most of our failures to connect with our partner have nothing to do with the relationship itself. We come into partnership with a complicated history, habits we’ve picked up along the way and preconceived notions. Assumptions, old beliefs, outdated attitudes are the driving force behind many-a-missed opportunity for fostering intimacy. If underlying beliefs control our actions and reactions, we will most likely fail to get the outcome we really want. Here’s an example:

Every time Megan finds Jake’s socks and underwear on the bedroom floor she becomes livid. “Why can’t you simply put them in the hamper,” she says with a nasty tone, hands on her hips. Jake thinks, jeez, what’s the big deal? It’s only socks. And, because his underwear strewn on the floor is not on the radar screen of his Most Important Things to Remember, he continues leaving them wherever they fall. Megan gets increasingly agitated until one day she throws his tighty-whiteys out the window–escalating the conflict. A full on fight ensues with blame, finger pointing and name calling; all this over underwear on the floor.

What is really going on here? And, why is Megan so bent out of shape? When pressed, she explains to her mother that Jake doesn’t respect her time, is inconsiderate and therefore doesn’t “love” her the way he “should.” Her underlying belief system–that Jake must not love her if he can be so careless–controls her actions. And, Jake is completely clueless and therefore doesn’t have an incentive to change his behavior.

The problem is this: Megan is not “communicating” her preconceived notions to Jake. Instead, she is falling into a classic thinking trap called Jumping to Conclusions. Since Jake doesn’t know what is in her head, he is punished for not engaging in another thinking trap called, Reading Your Mind. Therefore he doesn’t understand the significance of her distress. As you can see, these types of communication glitches happen daily, sometimes hourly. The solution is simply to understand the ABC’s of conflict.

“A” represents adversity, or the thing that is bugging you. Dishes left on the counter, underwear on the floor, the unmade bed, wet towels on the carpet, overdrawn checking account, or unpaid bills can be the fuel that sets you off.

“B” stands for the belief underlying the offense. “She is inconsiderate, selfish and rude to do such things.” “He is disrespectful,” are examples of underlying belief systems surrounding the thing that is driving you crazy.

“C” signifies the consequences of the perceived belief surrounding the source of annoyance, and is the fuel that causes your overreaction.

What we need to do is think twice before we respond to a situation. Become conscious of what is really eating away at you inside. Don’t jump to the first conclusion, think you can read his/her mind, blow things out of proportion, or make assumptions. Count to ten. Ask your partner the purpose behind their “offense.” Listen with care, curiosity and interest. Take their answer at face value. Jake grew up in a two-working parent household. His parents didn’t have time to train him where to drop his skivvies. Tossing them on the floor became habit–completely separate form his feelings for his wife. Megan assigned a negative attitude to his untidiness, and consequently over reacted.

The payoff for communicatinig consciously and purposefully? You will get to know your partner in a deeper way and create blissful harmony–the very reason we choose a partner in the first place.

Diane Dennis is a Life Transition Coach. Email her at diane@lifetransitonguide.com or visit her website at www.lifetransitionguide.com

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