Do you sometimes wonder what happened to that randy, can’t-get-enough couple you used to be? You know, before the fatigue of everyday life set in and before the kids arrived. Back when you could have the week from hell and still strap on your dancing’ shoes and, after a great night out, have energy for sex. If you just sighed nostalgically, I get it. I understand how easy it is to let the demands of everyday life take precedence over romance. I know how easy it is to find yourselves, on what used to be date night, in sweats, watching a Netflix, eating delivery pizza, and drifting off before the end of the movie. Been there. Done that.

Every relationship guru on the planet, including me, recommends that you schedule regular date nights and times for sex. You have to make your relationship a priority or one day you’ll wake up to find it gone. That doesn’t mean you can ignore your relationship the rest of the time. In fact, with just a little imagination you can turn everyday events, such as a trip to the grocery store, into acts of emotional foreplay that enhance intimacy–in and out of the bedroom. How? Let’s take a look.

Grocery shopping is one of those chores you can’t get around. Ya gotta eat!  The trick is getting it done AND using the opportunity to engage in emotional foreplay. Emotional foreplay is doing those things that make your sweetheart feel high-on-a-pedestal adored, always-number-one special, you-deserve-the-best nurtured, and can’t-live-without-you cherished. So here are some ideas for you:

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My friend Susie and her husband keep a joint journal of their marriage. When the spirit moves, he or she pulls the journal off the shelf and writes. They write about everyday things, express their feelings about something the other of them did that was hurtful, disappointing, thoughtful, or especially meaningful. They write how they’re feeling about their marriage, careers, friendships, and lives. Their individual musings are there for the other to read and to learn from. When they travel, their pictures go in their journal and each of them writes about the trip. They individually read the journal to see what the other has written, and, other times, they pull it off the shelf, read it together, and talk about what they’ve read. A joint journal. One of the coolest ideas I’ve heard in a very long time—a great way to celebrate and memorialize a marriage.

Hubby Dale and I once decided to keep a journal of the wonderful meals that Dale—a great chef—prepares, including the wine we serve, what friends join us, a “review” of the meal, etc. I think that lasted one, maybe two meals before we forgot about it. As much as I love the idea of a joint journal, these old dogs are not likely to learn that new trick. We’re talkers, are comfortable sharing our feelings and big on “remember when.” True, we can’t always recall the detail we otherwise might if we journaled, but our remember-when conversations always capture the essence of what we were feeling and doing then.

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Who doesn’t like to say and hear those 3 little words: “I love you”? They express our feelings of love, passion and intimacy for our sweetheart. But you would be making a huge mistake to rely only on words to show your love and affection for your sweetie; since it is what you do – more than what you say – that really counts. Read on if you are ready to let your actions speak louder than your words.

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Okay, I’m going to be honest. This is not an entirely original idea. It was inspired by Brenda and Gill, the most clever couple I’ve ever met when it comes to keeping things playful and spicy. For example, they’re fond of having candlelit black tie dinners for two and they each wear nothing but a black tie. They might spend Saturday night in a fiercely fought game of strip poker or bikini Twister. Yep, they like to to get naked which, as you might imagine, leads to the boudoir, which leads me to the point of this article.

In today’s economy, we all need to save and most of us have less do-re-mi to spend on a night on the town, let alone a weekend getaway. As a result, a couple’s date night too often involves a remote control and, before you know it, you’re in that rut you said you’d never fall into. So, try this on for size . . .

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Remember when the two of you could not get enough of each other?  You called or sent text messages all day long and you could not wait to get home at night?

What happened? You still love your significant other but the thrill is gone.  Men and women experience this in relationships but their approach to “fixing” the problem may be quite different.

During your courtship days, both of your brains were flooding your system with feel good chemicals.  Hey, that is just science so accept it.  Somewhere along the way the two of you established a relationship that you were both happy with.

Now though, it does seem a little boring.  The same old routine and all the hassles that each of you deal with at work.  No wonder you are feeling dissatisfied and wondering what to do.

The good news is that this is totally fixable, the news  you may not like as much is that you actually have some work to do to accomplish it.  The fact is that successful couples have been where you are and they can help you bring the sizzle back.

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All relationships require some effort and creativity to keep your s-e-x life fired up. Many couples make the mistake of focusing on the frequency, or lack thereof, of the sex in their relationship. This approach will get you no more sex in your relationship than talking about money will actually get you money.

The key for re-igniting your sex life is to focus on the intimacy in your relationship and the sex will come. Concentrate on improving the intimacy in your relationship and the sensual aspect of your relationship will naturally be re-ignited. Relationships that have sensual closeness experience increased intimacy. These are the emotions that act as a spark needed to re-ignite the feelings that connect us to our partner. These sparks are the connections that lead to the firing up of our sex life in our relationship. Without these sparks our sex life crumbles to ashes, taking our relationship with them.

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While shopping in the grocery store the other day I heard 2 women talking about how dull and boring their relationships have become. One woman was saying how every Friday night she and her partner go to the movies and  eat dinner out at the same Italian Restaurant. Her friend was describing how every Saturday night for the past 5 years she and her partner go out to dinner at the same restaurant with the same couple. Yawn! It was clear to me that these relationships were in a huge rut and you could clearly see the boredom on the face of these 2 women. So how do you keep your relationship alive and out of this type of rut?

Variety is the spice of life and it will keep your relationship alive! Change your routine, do things differently.

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Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:

Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.”  Never mind that his car is old and boring—it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.

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Remember when you and your sweetheart first met? You counted the minutes until you saw him again. You called just to hear her sweet voice. The air was alive with the snap, crackle & pop of sexual energy. You couldn’t get enough of each other and you were always on your best behavior. It was easy to be playful.

Then, you settled into a routine and began to share everyday life. Being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach. You can’t do it forever. Eventually, the real you, foibles and all, made an appearance. It wasn’t and isn’t always pretty. Playfulness takes a back seat when he has to duck and take cover during your PMS tirade…or she has to put up with your road rage…or she promises but forgets to pick up your good suit from the cleaners and you have the most important meeting of your life the next morning…or he helps himself to a piece of the cake you made for a coworker’s birthday party…or when any one of the bazillion annoying things that can happen does.

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In 1975 Paul Simon released his hit song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”  I recently looked up the lyrics and discovered something I’d failed to notice in 1975 when I was hummin’ along. The song is about a woman giving a man advice on how to extricate himself from his current relationship. The song ends with said woman kissing him and suggesting that they sleep on it, a suggestion which leads him to conclude that she’s probably right—there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Hmmmm . . . sounds like that woman had her own agenda!

If your relationship hits a rough patch, it’s tempting to focus on the 50 things your partner does “wrong” and the 50 “reasons” why things are falling apart. If we apply Newton’s law of physics—a thing in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon—it’s easy to see that such negative thinking will lead to pondering which of the 50 ways to leave your lover is the way to go.

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