Did you know you are 32 times LESS likely divorced if you were born and raised in Sri Lanka than if you were born in the US? Interesting, yes? Did you also know that before Sri Lankans marry they have their compatibility charts done?  Pretty progressive, right? Why, with our failure rate so dismal, would we continue to rely on chemistry? We have already proven (see Dr. Helen Fisher’s latest studies) that just because someone turns you on doesn’t mean they will make a good life partner, parent or mate. So, why do we keep on falling for it?

The answer according to my friend, sociobiologist Rebecca Costa, is—because we can. The good news is, we don’t have to! If what she is saying is true, evolution has (maybe for the first time in history) become a choice. We can choose to use that part of our brain which is just sitting there waiting for those of us who want to move towards the phenomenal rather than settle for the mediocre. I say, let’s give evolution a chance! Watch out Viagra and Larry Flint…and say hello to my little friend (who is free, by the way—sorry, GlaxoSmithKlein), Consciousness.

Listener Question:

“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?” – Tom (50, St. Paul, MN)

Consider this: if we keep our heads in the sand, wait another 20 to 30 years, and you’ll see this is in fact what we are doing: leaving our children and the generations to come with a mess that treats stress with sex. Which means we are spiritually and morally bankrupt and have lost our way. If we weren’t, most of us we wouldn’t be worrying as much about hooking up, but instead trying to figure out how to make a difference with the time we have left.  By the way, that doesn’t include trying to get your wife to have lesbian sex with your neighbor. No, Tom, just because she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean isn’t an ignorant waste of your time! Look, as my brother I sincerely wish you every blessing including that you embrace a path of higher consciousness, recognizing the value and divine feminine in each being.

Listener Question:

“I met this wonderful man on a dating site and we really connected. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed a lot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. We even got very intimate physically very fast.

It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating.

We still talk but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”

Melissa (Santa Monica, CA)

Convincing someone to be with you seems a desperate act, never mind that you’re willing to subscribe to the notion that being with you is risky and that the outcome of the relationship would be left to chance.

Look, there’s no shame in being a work in progress; who isn’t?  There are, however, some basic ingredients that make for a great, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, none of which you have mentioned. Instead your situation is plagued with fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, wreckage and unemployment. I say change your focus: before you make another move take a good look at your love and flair for the dramatic. Then get a hold of your incredible, amazing self and ask it this; “Do I want to spend my life with someone who isn’t falling all over themselves to be with me or, at minimum, reciprocating my interest in kind?”

In the meantime I would like you to take some of that energy you are spending trying to get someone to love you and invest it in yourself. Start by making a list of all the things you value about yourself (if you need a jump-start ask some people you already know and love, who know and love you, perhaps a family member or relative or close personal friend). This is a powerful, juicy exercise in self-love that quickly reminds you what’s great about you, and like I always say, Great relationships begin within!

All relationships require some effort and creativity to keep your s-e-x life fired up. Many couples make the mistake of focusing on the frequency, or lack thereof, of the sex in their relationship. This approach will get you no more sex in your relationship than talking about money will actually get you money.

The key for re-igniting your sex life is to focus on the intimacy in your relationship and the sex will come. Concentrate on improving the intimacy in your relationship and the sensual aspect of your relationship will naturally be re-ignited. Relationships that have sensual closeness experience increased intimacy. These are the emotions that act as a spark needed to re-ignite the feelings that connect us to our partner. These sparks are the connections that lead to the firing up of our sex life in our relationship. Without these sparks our sex life crumbles to ashes, taking our relationship with them.

So how do you re-ignite the intimacy in your relationship?

* Take time out for each other. It is essential that you take time out for your relationship as a couple. Schedule a date if you have to, just like you would schedule a haircut or dental appointment. This may sound silly but in today’s world of multi-tasking activities where every minute is accounted for, if you don’t schedule time for your relationship, you won’t have any time for it. And eventually, you won’t have a relationship at all.

* Next, focus on the physical act of touching, not the sexual act. The act of touching is very sensual and fosters an intimate feeling of one-ness. This feeling creates an invisible, seamless transition into foreplay. Take it from there without any expectations. Go with the flow and see where you end up.

* Throw away all your beliefs on how and where you should you have sex. Be open, playful and creative. Create your own unique sexual moments. Try the laundry room or the basement. Role play or talk dirty while making sure your partner is comfortable in the intimate environment you create for each other.

* Finally, be accepting and non-judgmental of where your partner is sexually. Remember, it is the intimacy and sensual closeness you are striving for in your relationship, the sexual act is merely an emotional bonus of this intimacy. Don’t jeopardize a sensual moment with criticism or judgments of any kind.

Does this require a little bit of work? Sure, but the fruits of your labor is sure to fire up your s-e-x life, creating greater intimacy and better sex that will strengthen your relationship for Building Together a Relationship Filled with Love, Health & Wealth.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com

“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?”

- Tom (50, St Paul, MN)

Some people are capable of doing many things well while under stress; but being in the mood for sex and/or feeling sexy usually isn’t one of them.

So enough jabbering here and let’s get on with identifying 5 common stressors that decrease or eliminate one’s sex drive. (And remember, some of these sex drive killers have nothing to do with how you feel about your partner – what a sense of relief!).

Stressor #1: Prescription Medication – Many prescription drugs have the side effect of decreasing one’s sex drive, especially the commonly prescribed anti-depressant medication Prozac. Other classifications of drugs that have loss of libido as a side-effect include: chemotherapy, antihistamines, blood pressure medication (Lipitor) some oral contraceptives and ant-HIV medications.

Solution: Talk to your prescribing physician and ask them if they can change the medication you are on for one that offers the same benefits – minus the loss of libido side effect.

Stressor #2: Parenting – the kids are exhausting you! If you have a new baby in the home, that sweet little bundle of joy requires what feels like 24/7 attention. Or maybe you have toddlers running around who possessed an inordinate amount of energy – or school-aged children that need to be chauffeured around – everyone – causing you to run out of steam by the end of the day!

Solution: Get a babysitter or family member and get out of the house for a day, an overnight and/or long weekend. Do it – even though you might be feeling too exhausted to arrange this – consider it to be like exercise. You don’t usually feel like doing it, but once you do, you are so glad you did.

Stressor #3: Poor Body Image – Most of us don’t look like we did when we were 21 years old anymore – but we lament this fact and let it get in the way of how we feel about not only our bodies but our selves as well. In other words, poor body image promotes poor self-esteem. Poor self-esteem makes us feel unlovable – and feeling unlovable lowers our sex drive.

Solution: Your partner fell in love with you – your heart and soul. A few pounds gained throughout the years do not diminish the value of who you are in the heart of your lover. (Chances are they don’t look 21 anymore either). If you have gained a few pounds over the years, (and who hasn’t?) you might consider adding exercise to your daily routine – even if it takes the form of simply walking the stairs in your office instead of riding the elevator. Do whatever you need to do so you can begin to feel better about your body image. And whatever you do – please remember – the images of the models on the cover of all those magazines are air-brushed and touched up until the cows come home. Please don’t think “real” women look like that. I sure don’t know any that do!!

Stressor #4: Alcohol – Yes, alcohol has a reputation for reducing one’s inhibitions when it comes to sex, but alcohol is also a common cause for numbing your sex drive. (FYI – your partner might not be in the mood for getting it on with someone who is intoxicated).

Solution: Keep the alcohol to what is considered to be a reasonable amount for you. A slobbering drunk isn’t sexy any where –including the bedroom. Hey, I’m not saying you can’t have a drink or two – just don’t imbibe to the extreme.

Stressor # 5: Lack of sleep - whether this results from worry, insomnia, or sleep apnea, sleep deprivation creates body fatigue. And fatigue zaps the energy you need for sex – interfering with your sex drive.

Solution: Make it your priority to get enough sleep. If you have a medical condition that you think might be interfering with your sleep, see a physician. If you are sleep deprived because you love to watch late night TV- tivo your shows and watch them another time.

So as you can see, a low sex drive might be the result of stressors outside your romantic relationship. Please make any changes that are necessary in your life style to insure you are doing everything within your means to increase your sex drive so you can …

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
www.drpattyann.com/blog
twitter@drpattyann

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I write for women to get over their inhibitions over giving their men oral sex. A man feels cheated and rejected and unloved when a woman refuses him this sublime pleasure. A woman who refuses this pleasure is not giving herlself completely to her man. I suggest getting over your inhibitions about this and become adept at pleasuring your man.

This is an age old discussion. There are many women who refuse to give their husbands blow jobs. “Ugh, gross, I am not going to do that”. “Little girl” inhibitions are cropping up again here. Do you want to have a Bill and Hillary marriage where your husband has to go to other women or prostitutes to get a blow job? That is the number one thing men visit prostitutes for. A great percentage of men who frequent prostitutes are married. By your refusal, you are then a stumbling block for him as forbidden in the chapter on sex and the bible. Some of you will give your men blow jobs but won’t allow him to come in your mouth. Some of you will give him a blow job but then will spit out his semen. You claim that you don’t like the taste. Imagine if your husband went down on you but then spit out the vaginal secretions that he got in his mouth. How likely would you want him to go down on you again? What if he would not go down on you because he claimed not to like your taste? Really, when you tell your husband that, you are telling him that you think that he is disgusting and more of that age old sexism where women are good and men are bad.

If you really want to be cherished by your husband, and you want to show him your love, you need to learn to give him good blow jobs. Any woman can lay there with her legs spread and think about other things while her poor husband pumps away at her. It takes love and commitment to take his penis in your mouth and make love to him. It is intensely personal and loving. Without it, he feels profoundly cheated and disappointed.

For those of you who have a problem with getting semen in your mouth, you can take an intermediate step. You can put a condom on your husband’s penis and give him the blow job and you are not going to get any semen in your mouth. You can use it as a “baby step” to make progress. You can feel him ejaculate but not actually get the semen in your mouth. You should use this technique as a way to progress to a full blow job where you allow your husband to come in your mouth and swallow. At the very least, you should use this technique to give him a blow job. I know of women out there who won’t even take their husband’s penis in their mouth. I ask you if you are one of those women, why did you even bother to get married anyway? You need to get over this. You can if you have the right attitude. You can through a desensitization process called “successive approximations.” This basically means getting a little closer each time. Others would call it “baby steps”. The point being is that you are getting closer and making progress in moving forward in pleasing and loving your husband.

Now I know that many of you out there will complain about taste or consistency. Neither of those issues needs to be a problem if you have the right attitude and practice the right technique. It is really a simple matter to solve. When your husband’s climax is imminent, instead of trying to block his ejaculation with your tongue, you simply let him shoot to the back of your throat. You then quickly swallow. This solves both problems. You won’t taste his semen because all of your taste buds are on the front of your tongue. Following my technique you therefore don’t taste his semen. You also don’t have the consistency issue to deal with because again it is not hitting your tongue. Allowing him to shoot in the back of your throat, it simply feels like a little extra saliva in your mouth. If you spit out his semen, you get it on your tongue and have the taste and consistency to deal with. You can do this if you decide to.

For all you feminists out there who claim to espouse equal rights, how is it fair for you to expect your man to go down on you and you don’t return the favor? Where is his equal rights? Besides that, your vaginal secretions taste remarkably similar to his semen. Hillary is a feminist who obviously does not give Bill blowjobs and look what that got her. Do you really think that they have a happy marriage? Do you think that they are achieving “happily ever after”?

If you have not given your husband a blow job but have now decided to, it is not difficult. He will love you for attempting to please him. You simply go down on him and suck. If his penis is limp, you can generally take his whole penis in your mouth. You suck on it like you are sucking a milk shake through a straw. You also place your tongue firmly against his penis. As his penis grows to a full erection, you go down as deeply on it as you comfortably can without gagging. You then wrap your hand around his penis at that point as a marker and don’t go deeper than that when you start vigorously thrusting up and down on the shaft of his penis. If your jaw gets tired or you need to remove your mouth to catch your breath, it is imperative that you continue stroking his penis with your hand or he will lose the momentum of getting to the point of ejaculating. If you stop, then you will have to start all over again.

There are other very obvious reasons to give your husbands blow jobs. Most of you won’t consider having intercourse when you are on your period. Why should your husband be deprived of sex just because you are on your period? If you really love him and care about his needs, you won’t deprive him of sexual relief. After childbirth, you are forbidden from intercourse for 6 weeks on average. Again, why should your husband be forced to masturbate? Many women feel that they have the right to deprive him after childbirth. In fact many of you deprive your husband sex for months after giving birth claiming that you are too tired. He feels rejected, lonely and resentful towards you and the new baby.

Let me give you a technique that requires little energy expenditure from you and yet gets your husband off fairly quickly and keeps him happy and satisfied. This would involve two props: a pair of your lacy and silky panties and a vibrator. You give him a little foreplay by stroking your nipples across his penis. You then start sucking his penis and take those silky panties, (the satiny back panel of the panties) and lightly stroke them across the underside of his scrotum. This area is extremely sensitive to him. You continue to rapidly stroke very lightly with those panties on the underside of his scrotum while you are sucking on him. The silkiness of your panties causes him to think in terms of how silky the interior of your vagina feels when it is well lubricated. You then turn the vibrator on high and place the bulb firmly on the base of his penis. You simply hold the bulb of the vibrator firmly against the base of his penis while you are sucking him. It is a very powerful stimulant to him and will cause him to get off much quicker, thereby conserving energy on your part. It will also give him a mind blowing orgasm because of the combination of the sensation of you sucking him, stroking him with your panties and the powerful vibrator. Don’t be surprised if he screams in ecstasy in the most intense orgasm he has ever had.

Now for you women who absolutely refuse to give your husband a blowjob or who won’t let him come in your mouth, there is a variation of the above scenario. You simply not only stroke those silky panties under his testicles, but you wrap the silky side of the panties around his penis and stroke them up and down his penis. You then place the vibrator at the base of his penis and let him ejaculate into your panties. He will fantasize about coming inside of you. It will take care of his urgent need for sexual relief and is so much better than making him masturbate. You should never ever make your husband masturbate to relieve himself. He will have a lot of resentment towards you because you are not taking care of his sexual needs. The above technique is not the best, but you should promise him that you will never ever deny him sex again, even if you have to give it to him less than what he desires.

Variety is the spice of life and it will keep your relationship alive! Change your routine, do things differently.

If you usually go out to dinner on the weekends, try going out to dinner in the middle of the week. You will find this mid-week night out to be a welcome break from the stresses and doldrums of the work week. Go to new restaurants.  Explore new activities together. Shake up your routine.

If you and your partner usually take long walks together, you might consider renting a bike and going for a bike ride instead. When driving to a familiar destination, allow for some extra time and take the scenic back roads instead of the usual quick highway and enjoy the scenery together.

You might really love chocolate but if you eat it every single day, day in and day out, chocolate will eventually lose its allure. The same is true of our relationship.  In order to keep your relationship alive you must try new routines to avoid getting stuck in a rut of the same old thing over and over again.  Tweaking and changing the routines of your relationship will make everything old new again.

When you think about how you are going to spend your leisurely time with your partner, remember variety is the spice of life. Trying new routines and activities will keep the health and intimacy of your relationship alive and kicking.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.drpattyann.com
www.drpattyann.com/blog
www.twitter.com/drpattyann
Dr. Patty Ann on Facebook

Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:

Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.”  Never mind that his car is old and boring—it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.

Is your sweetheart sentimental (and romantic) or practical (and not so romantic)? I have a girlfriend who thinks flowers are a waste of money and is tickled pink with a new toaster oven. My uncle thinks the latest and greatest screwdriver is the coolest gift ever. Others would be crushed to receive a toaster oven or a screwdriver no matter how needed or state-of-the art it may be.

What’s your sweetheart’s special interests? My friend Larry loves everything trains. I love photography. My sweetheart is a classical musician and history buff. My daughter is a volleyball fanatic. I have a friend who has knitting needles in her hands 90% of her waking hours; her husband is into extreme sports. Just about everybody has something they’re especially interested in or enjoy doing.

What’s the occasion? Is it an “us” occasion such as an anniversary? Just because? A red letter day for your sweetheart? Regardless, every gift should be relevant and proportionate to the occasion (but always within your budget). Here are some examples:

• It’s your girlfriend’s birthday. She prefers experiences. She’s sentimental.  Plan an experience that will have sentimental value that, if possible, incorporates her interests: a trip to her hometown to see family she’s missing and have a family portrait made…tickets to the opera, and a corsage she can press and save…dinner with friends where she can show off the birthstone ring you slip on her finger as you’re walking out the door. If it’s a decade birthday, step it up and go the extra mile to make it an event she will remember and cherish forever.
• Your husband hit a career milestone. He prefers things, is practical, and enjoys modern art. Memorialize the event in a tangible way: have a congratulatory ad published in the local newspaper and have it framed…select a piece of art for his office and attach a congratulatory note on the back…buy him a new suit and take him to the newest exhibit at the local art museum. If it’s a really BIG milestone, make it the Musée d’Orsay in Paris!
• It’s the anniversary of your wedding, first date, or other special day. The best “us” gift is something you will both enjoy doing and/or having. If you have different preferences, you’ll need to be a little more creative. For example, you might select a martini shaker, glasses and a book of martini recipes. There’s something tangible for the “thing” person and for the “experience” person there’s the fun of working your way from Apple Martini to Wasabi Martini or, perhaps, a martini party with good friends. Again, if this is a significant anniversary, step it up and make it truly memorable.
• You feel like doing something special for your sweetie. By now you’ve got the drill. All I’ll say about “just because” gifts is that small is often the best, just a simple reminder that you’re thinking about the one you love.

Bottom line: the perfect gift shows you gave it more than passing thought because it reflects who and what your sweetie is.

“so i have this friend. met her two years ago. she was the pretty girl in class that was kind of shy but you couldn’t help but look at. one day i ended up asking her out and go so scared about her reaction i actually ran away. well we started talking on facebook. then talking on the phone and i went up and see her at work and such. she was throwing hints pretty hard my way. but i wasnt catching them and she was still living with her “ex” at the time so i was a little put off. anyways after a few months of talking i found out she was pregant. not a big deal but she was living with the father so i kind of backed off for a while. she had her son in febuary. didnt talk much till july then we started going out for drinks about once a week. just friends chating and everything at this point she was back with the father trying to have a family and we were just friends. then college started and i lived in town and she did not so on her breaks she would come over and visit. hang out for the night have dinner. well she was coming over i was getting off work early started with chats back rubs then oh god we had sex. it was good i felt speical. we talked we were ok with it. so we kind of started seeing each other in that sense about 2-3 times a week. i even started babysitting her son 2-3 days a week. things were great i developed feelings for her. then thanksgiving hits and we were snuggled up one night and she said those three words that make you feel amazing. things were great that week visited her at work had lunch a few times. then she got weird and was very distant and told me to “stop being confusing” we had a rought month and then a big fight at xmas. stopped talking for a month.

well in that month she broke up with the father and was “seeing” this new guy who looks a lot like me and actually is in the same major as me so we share friends.

we started talking again got close. i was a little put off by everything but we were being Freinds nothing more no fun or anything

anyways advice would be awesome”

- Michael (26, PA)

“Do two “wrongs” make a right. I’ve been cheated on from my most recent long term relationship. Now there is a guy who is 35, married with kids who is interested in me. Told his wife he took me out to drinks and she wasn’t being a very good wife. He says he has been cheated on but really who knows…may just want me in bed to get his fix b/c he isn’t getting it more than once a week. What is your take on that? And how do I find the one who aren’t attached!?! Without doing the whole “bar sceen”, I don’t have a “job”, I’m an entreprenuer so my networking circle is my social interaction.
Thanks!”

- Jane (28, CA)

Then, you settled into a routine and began to share everyday life. Being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach. You can’t do it forever. Eventually, the real you, foibles and all, made an appearance. It wasn’t and isn’t always pretty. Playfulness takes a back seat when he has to duck and take cover during your PMS tirade…or she has to put up with your road rage…or she promises but forgets to pick up your good suit from the cleaners and you have the most important meeting of your life the next morning…or he helps himself to a piece of the cake you made for a coworker’s birthday party…or when any one of the bazillion annoying things that can happen does.

What’s more, the mind-numbing fatigue that comes with everyday life has a way of squelching playfulness.  When you were jacked up on new love hormones, you could shrug off the week from hell, strap on your dancing shoes, and let the good times roll. Now, when what used to be date night arrives, you too often find yourselves on the couch in your sweats, sharing delivery pizza and watching a Netflix DVD. Instead of lounging in bed after Saturday morning sex, you get a head start on weekend errands. It’s easy to slip into the rut you said you’d never fall into.

When playfulness disappears it leaves room for negative emotions such as crankiness, irritability and ill humor. That sucks. Playfulness inspires laughter. Laughter reduces stress and triggers feel-good hormones like endorphins. That does not suck. So, here are three ways to bring playfulness back and keep it alive:

1. Think like a child: Children find joy in play, often in the simplest things: a squirt gun, a Frisbee, a yo-yo, blowing bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a game of Twister, pillow fights, hide ‘n seek, a wading pool. Take a hint! It’s okay to act like children, even be silly, especially when to do so results is a good laugh or a fit of giggles. The cool thing about being playful adults (as opposed to playful children) is that it’s also okay if play takes you straight to the bedroom or, when you pull the cards out, you play strip poker instead of Go Fish.

2. Put fun on your schedule: Pick an activity (or two…or three) that will be fun for both of you and put it on your calendar as a regular, recurring event. Sign up for dance or cooking lessons, or join a bowling league or a co-ed softball team. It doesn’t matter so long as you both find it fun. Surprise your sweetie by scheduling a one-night stand and discover (or rediscover) the joys of hotel sex. Have a black-tie dinner for two and wear nothing but black ties. Use your imagination.

3. Flirt shamelessly with each other: Flirting is fun, sensual and titillating. Whisper in each other’s ear. Wink across a crowded room. Send suggestive text messages. Tuck her hair behind her ear. Adjust his tie. Dance provocatively. Whatever it was that worked in your dating days, just do it again.  And, since you’re now past those early relationship days, you’re free to push the boundaries and take it to a new level of sensuality and titillation! Toss caution to the wind and just go for it.

Playfulness. We can all use more of that.