Did you know you are 32 times LESS likely divorced if you were born and raised in Sri Lanka than if you were born in the US? Interesting, yes? Did you also know that before Sri Lankans marry they have their compatibility charts done?  Pretty progressive, right? Why, with our failure rate so dismal, would we continue to rely on chemistry? We have already proven (see Dr. Helen Fisher’s latest studies) that just because someone turns you on doesn’t mean they will make a good life partner, parent or mate. So, why do we keep on falling for it?

The answer according to my friend, sociobiologist Rebecca Costa, is—because we can. The good news is, we don’t have to! If what she is saying is true, evolution has (maybe for the first time in history) become a choice. We can choose to use that part of our brain which is just sitting there waiting for those of us who want to move towards the phenomenal rather than settle for the mediocre. I say, let’s give evolution a chance! Watch out Viagra and Larry Flint…and say hello to my little friend (who is free, by the way—sorry, GlaxoSmithKlein), Consciousness.

Listener Question:

“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?” – Tom (50, St. Paul, MN)

Consider this: if we keep our heads in the sand, wait another 20 to 30 years, and you’ll see this is in fact what we are doing: leaving our children and the generations to come with a mess that treats stress with sex. Which means we are spiritually and morally bankrupt and have lost our way. If we weren’t, most of us we wouldn’t be worrying as much about hooking up, but instead trying to figure out how to make a difference with the time we have left.  By the way, that doesn’t include trying to get your wife to have lesbian sex with your neighbor. No, Tom, just because she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean isn’t an ignorant waste of your time! Look, as my brother I sincerely wish you every blessing including that you embrace a path of higher consciousness, recognizing the value and divine feminine in each being.

Listener Question:

“I met this wonderful man on a dating site and we really connected. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed a lot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. We even got very intimate physically very fast.

It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating.

We still talk but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”

Melissa (Santa Monica, CA)

Convincing someone to be with you seems a desperate act, never mind that you’re willing to subscribe to the notion that being with you is risky and that the outcome of the relationship would be left to chance.

Look, there’s no shame in being a work in progress; who isn’t?  There are, however, some basic ingredients that make for a great, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, none of which you have mentioned. Instead your situation is plagued with fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, wreckage and unemployment. I say change your focus: before you make another move take a good look at your love and flair for the dramatic. Then get a hold of your incredible, amazing self and ask it this; “Do I want to spend my life with someone who isn’t falling all over themselves to be with me or, at minimum, reciprocating my interest in kind?”

In the meantime I would like you to take some of that energy you are spending trying to get someone to love you and invest it in yourself. Start by making a list of all the things you value about yourself (if you need a jump-start ask some people you already know and love, who know and love you, perhaps a family member or relative or close personal friend). This is a powerful, juicy exercise in self-love that quickly reminds you what’s great about you, and like I always say, Great relationships begin within!

It is natural for us, when moving forward, to sneak a peak behind us, every once in a while.
Sometimes we do it, to be sure it is still back there, and not creeping up to us, to affect our present.

Other times, however, we stare too closely in that rearview mirror, allowing those mental objects not only to appear closer than they are, or should be, for that matter; but we allow them to be in our view, making our present moment a bit cloudier than need be.
All of us have memories, people, experiences, that have perhaps clouded our judgement on experiences moving forward.

The great thing about this is that we can leave it all behind us, by walking forward, with no judgement, at all!
It takes all the complication of trying to understand what things are, and how people are, when we simply let it be what it is, without looking at it, from any memory of the past.
Of course, we are here to go through things to grow, and it is important for us to learn from what we go through.

But, by staring at something and giving such energy to our present moment from all that has transpired in the past, we may not be giving our all right now.

Look to the future, with an open heart, and opening yourself up to all the possibilities that life has to offer.

Offer your hand to those in need, no matter how closed off others may have been to you, before now.

LoVe,
LuCy sMiLeS

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food. We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel. We also have a very fundamental difference. I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type. In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship. Rewind the tape back to when we were on our way to an early evening BBQ. I was contributing the salad and we were running late. As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside. It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful. After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time. That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life. Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes. While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful. My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.  Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way. Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered. Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue. Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time. I win. He wins. Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach, Speaker & Bestselling Author (http://www.ShelaDean.com)

“I’m dating a girl. We have been together for over a year. We fought all the time and eventually, just before the one year mark, I broke up with her. Reason being, I met a girl in college that I couldnt get out of my head. So I broke up with her and started seeing the new girl. Eventually, the new girl and I stopped seeing each other and my ex and I got back together. We moved in together and lately Ive been feeling very unhappy. She is not so girly, kinda tom boyish, and she used to date girls when she was younger. I am a short guy, 5′5 and im not very tough, kinda a gamer, indoors nerdy type. Lately, Ive been very unhappy. Ive also stopped having sex with her, strange for a guy I know, but I almost kinda hoped she would get bored and cheat on me, getting me off the hook. She is head over heels for me, and crys and crys and crys anytime I talk about ending it. Today, I finally snapped. I told her its not working….honestly, we dont have anything deep in common, we both like music, but completely diff. types of music. we both like food, but completely diff. types of food, we argue over any deep conversation. I feel very confident alone, and I have gone many many years alone, and without sex or relationships, and feel very comfortable alone, a lil lonely, but OK. She crys and crys and cant seem to be without me. I feel like shes not really in love with me, just scared to be alone, even tho she swears she just loves me and really wants to be with me. although every time we fight, which is alot, she says she hates me, Im an asshole, im selfish, etc….btw, her best friend in the world is a guy, better looking than me, big muscles, he models, and hes very strong, tough, dark, not sooo smart though. I find myself especially attracted to really girly girls, not extremely bright girls, who make me feel tough, strong, smart, and manly….SHE always challenges my intelligence, strength, manhood, just cuz she is just as smart as me and she is a very tough, tom boyish girl. so basically, I want a girlier girl,even though most girlier girls I date dont work out. she wants to be girlier and wants more than anything to be with me….what do I do? Am I wrong to want a girlier girl who makes me feel strong, smart manly? I keep telling her she should find a stronger, more manly smart guy, or maybe go back to dating girls…I dont know. She really wants to be with me, and she is very good to me, and makes me happy, except I never feel manly with her. I find myself talking in baby talk, becomming girly, simply to balance. I hate that…Its not me. I am from the south and grew up very old school, where the man is a man and the woman is submissive to her man, although I am very pro-modern era, and want a woman who has her own job, her own goals and carreer, and I have my own. Although she seems to only want to be a housewife, no carreer, just kids and loving to husband. I want a girly girl who looks to her strong smart husband to lead at home, but has her own carreer focus and is ok with or without me. what do I do? please help. we live together,so its not easy to split up, so need some advice. she IS good to me though, and I will miss her if I end it. But, Im tired of competing with her..whos tougher,whos smarter, who wears the pants?”

- Ryan (25, Anaheim, CA)

The formal name for “the love hormone” is known as oxytocin. When we experience happiness, we experience an increase in this “love hormone”. When this “love hormone” is increased in our body, we experience an increase in our sense of attachment to our partner. So what’s the best way to increase oxytocin… our “love hormone”?

Touch is the single easiest way to increase our “love hormone” levels. Could you think of anything easier to do than to touch someone you care about. Think about it. Touching someone you care about is as natural as breathing. Touching, technically referred to as “tactile stimulation”, instantaneously creates an emotional connection between you and your partner and gets the “love hormones” flowing.

If we fall and scrape our knee, we automatically reach down to touch our knee with our hands. We do this because we believe the act of touching our knee will make us feel better. And it does! In our relationship, touching our partner makes us feel better, and more connected because it increases the level of the “love hormone” in our body. This increases our emotional attachment to our partner.

The strength of emotional attachment we feel for our partner forms the basis of the strength in our relationship. A strong emotional attachment creates a strong relationship. A weak emotional attachment creates a weak relationship. It makes perfect sense that as our sense of attachment towards our partner grows, our relationship grows with it.

Holding hands and hugging are just two easy ways we can touch our partner and increase our “love hormone”. I am sure you can think of some more ways.

Touching is the simple, most effective way to increase our sense of emotional attachment to our partner.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com

Private jokes. Code words. Shorthand ways of communicating. It’s part of what makes a couple a couple. To hubby Dale and me, for instance, “not pregnant” means “don’t make assumptions.” Here’s how that one came about . . .

We were on the way to an afternoon matinee. I was driving my hot Mustang, chatting and not paying attention when Wham! I rear-ended a van. We pulled into a parking lot. I went to the driver’s side. Dale ran to the other side. He yanked the door open, then said to the large female passenger, “Oh, my God, you’re really pregnant!” She wasn’t.

My sister Jenny gave driving instructions to her husband Bill who was picking her up at a friend’s house. She told him to turn right on Main, then right on Second. She added helpfully, “If, after you turn on Main, you pass Madison, you’ve gone too far.” After Bill had driven many miles without seeing Madison, he called to learn that Jenny should have told him to turn left on Main. Now, when one or the other of them is pushing his or her luck in some way, they cue the other with, “You’ve just passed Madison.”

So, here’s what I’ve noticed. Private jokes and code words come from humor.  Maybe some people would be irritated by being given the wrong directions, but Jenny and Bill saw the humor and that’s what counts. Finding the humor is the trick. E.g., Dale and I decided to get some exercise and walk the 3 mile round trip to the grocery store. Skies were gray but Dale gave me his I’ve-been-sailing-for-years-and-know-weather assurance that the rain was many hours away. I believed him. My mistake. I was not a happy girl when we stopped at the dry cleaners to beg plastic bags to use as rain gear. Swathed in plastic, we headed out and, of course, were drenched in minutes. I was bent all out of shape and about to say something snippy about Dale’s alleged weather predicting capability when I noticed he had his face turned up and his arms spread wide so he could experience every rain drop. I had taken a “this sucks” point of view. He had taken a “this is great” point of view. Decision time: Stay mad or follow Dale’s lead. Easy decision. Before long, we were dancing in the rain and now, when rain threatens, one or the other of us will often say, “Better stop at the dry cleaners.” To anyone listening, that makes no sense whatever. To us, it triggers the memory of the day we danced in the rain. And that memory always makes us want to hold hands.

Bottom line: Lighten up. Have fun. See the humor. It goes a long way toward helping you create your own private jokes. And, private jokes, code words, things only you understand underscore your “coupleness” like nothing else can. Humor: it’s the language of intimacy.

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon or her website.

“I have been married for three years and i always saw my husband with love and respect. I was so in love, until I found out he was cheating. We separated for a couple of months but he asked me to take him back and I did because I still loved him. The truth is that once we moved back together I realized It wasn’t the same, I did not trust him and I saw him differently. A few months ago we had a roomate, I started having feelings for this guy, just the way he is and all the fun i have when we hangout. He moved out a couple of months ago and eventhough nothing had happened between us I missed him. We started texting and then starting going out just as friends, We have not had sex because I am married and is something we both decided on, but we have kissed and there is a lot of chemistry between us. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I know is that things between me and my husband are not the same.”

- Zayda (24)

Treading the treacherous waters of ex-relationships, especially in the context of a new relationship, requires finesse.  It’s easy to screw-up. To demonstrate:

Mark and Sharon arrive at a wedding to discover that Sharon’s ex-husband Joe (and his new wife Linda) and Mark’s ex-wife Carol (and her new husband George) are also at the wedding.  Through some colossal blunder, all six of them are seated at the same table.  Let’s take a look at some common mistakes partners make in these situations:

The Memory Lane Blunder.   Mark and Carol split on good terms and, as old friends are inclined to do, begin a stroll down memory lane—whatever happened to . . . remember that trip we took to the Grand Canyon . . . did you ever get that hernia repaired . . . how’s your sister . . . and so on. Mark is paying no attention to his wife Sharon; Carol is paying no attention to her husband George.  Joe and Linda are left twiddling their thumbs.  Not good.

The It’s Okay With Me Blunder.  When Sharon attempts to redirect the conversation to a subject everyone can discuss, Carol responds with a terse comment, turns her attention back to Mark, and asks about an old friend. Mark cheerfully answers, continuing down memory lane and the path to Sharon’s how-dare-you-let-her-treat-me-that-way wrath. Really not good.

The New Best Friend Blunder.   Sharon’s relationship with Joe ended bitterly. Sharon ignores Joe but engages in conversation with his wife Linda who acts as though Sharon is her new best friend, going so far as to suggest they get together for coffee. Joe is fuming at what he perceives as his wife’s disloyalty.

The Inside Joke Blunder.  Joe, angry at being ignored, asks Mark if Sharon still sleeps in beat up old T-shirts and has learned to cook.  Mark replies honestly about the T-shirts and makes a joke about Sharon’s cooking.  Everyone, except Sharon, laughs. Mark is headed for death row.

The It Wasn’t My Idea Blunder.  Sharon, feeling ignored and hurt by Mark, is furious with Joe and shouts, “Why are you being such a bastard? It’s not as though I left you. You’re the one who wanted a divorce!” Table talk becomes an awkward silence.

To stay out of hot water, remember:

• When dealing with your sweetheart’s ex, take your cue from your sweetheart. If your sweetheart’s relationship ended cordially, be cordial. If it ended bitterly, be polite but keep your distance.
• When dealing with your ex, take your cue from how your ex treats your sweetheart. If your ex is friendly to your sweetheart, be friendly. If your ex is rude,  be polite but keep your distance.

It pays to remember that your sweetheart is your today and, hopefully, your tomorrow.  Keep your foot, your thoughts, and above all your attention out of the past and on your sweetheart.

Submitted by:  Shela Dean, Relationship Coach, Speaker & Bestselling Author

Waking up listening to the birds, and  seeing the sun peak through the trees and buildings of this beautiful city I live in, there is not much to complain about.
We can always find a silver lining to any situation, just as we can find something to whine about.

What we decide, is what we get.

We can sit in upset for that which we do not have, or be thankful for all that we do, and all of those who we have around us.
Our lives are made up of our energy, and the energy we accept.
Some days, we accept more than we can handle, and create a space in our lives that leads us to a place we may feel discomfort.

Some days we can walk through life, with so much happiness and gratitude, we cannot imagine it any other way.

Whichever way you look at life, will be your life.
However you chose to walk your path, will be your path.

We can notice all the potholes, and rubble, uneven land, and even quicksand.
But if we chose to take better care on our walk and pay attention to the spaces available to us, which are always there, that find peace, we will enjoy our journey more often than not.

Not feeling there is always a fight to be fought.

LoVe,
LuCy sMiLeS

It is really easy to get caught up in “life”; especially in today’s world of multi-tasking and rushing around all over the place going from activity to activity. But doing all this running around often leaves our most intimate relationship simmering on the backburner – and if we spend too much time ignoring this relationship – we are bound to get burned.

Following are Dr. Patty Ann’s 3 Simple Emotional Investments which will triple the Love and Intimacy in Your Relationship! These investments are easy, simple and very effective!

1. The first simple emotional investment to make in your relationship is: Respect.

Respect for your relationship as a whole and for each other as an individual.

Respect each other. You can disagree, you can argue, you can laugh and you can cry with each other. But you never want to disrespect each other if you want to maintain a happy, intimate and loving relationship with your partner. You and your partner may not always approach a problem from the same perspective – or share the same belief in some things; that’s okay – as long as you respect your differences.

2. The second simple emotional investment you must make in your relationship is: Honesty.

Be honest with yourself – and with your partner -about what you are feeling. Do not lie to yourself about how you are feeling – it won’t serve you or your relationship well.

Also, if your partner asks you how you feel about something that is sensitive between the two of you – tell them. They are asking you because they want to know and because they care – or else they wouldn’t ask. If you don’t answer them honestly, they can’t be emotionally sensitive to your feelings. If you don’t have honesty in your relationship, it is pretty hard to have trust and everything else that comes from trust in a relationship!

3. The third simple emotional investment you must make in your relationship involves: Attention

Pay attention to your partner and your relationship. Don’t ignore it or take it for granted. Like everything else in life – relationships do not just take care of themselves. They require attention and nurturing to thrive and survive.

So let’s quickly review the 3 Simple Emotional investments you must make to triple the love and intimacy in your relationship. Respect each other and your differences. Be honest about your feelings to your partner, your relationship and yourself. And finally, pay attention to each other – do not assume your partner knows you love them – tell them with words and show them with your actions.  These 3 simple and highly effective emotional investments will triple the love and intimacy in your relationship!

Remember – your intimate relationship is the most important investment you own!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann