Did you know you are 32 times LESS likely divorced if you were born and raised in Sri Lanka than if you were born in the US? Interesting, yes? Did you also know that before Sri Lankans marry they have their compatibility charts done?  Pretty progressive, right? Why, with our failure rate so dismal, would we continue to rely on chemistry? We have already proven (see Dr. Helen Fisher’s latest studies) that just because someone turns you on doesn’t mean they will make a good life partner, parent or mate. So, why do we keep on falling for it?

The answer according to my friend, sociobiologist Rebecca Costa, is—because we can. The good news is, we don’t have to! If what she is saying is true, evolution has (maybe for the first time in history) become a choice. We can choose to use that part of our brain which is just sitting there waiting for those of us who want to move towards the phenomenal rather than settle for the mediocre. I say, let’s give evolution a chance! Watch out Viagra and Larry Flint…and say hello to my little friend (who is free, by the way—sorry, GlaxoSmithKlein), Consciousness.

Listener Question:

“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?” – Tom (50, St. Paul, MN)

Consider this: if we keep our heads in the sand, wait another 20 to 30 years, and you’ll see this is in fact what we are doing: leaving our children and the generations to come with a mess that treats stress with sex. Which means we are spiritually and morally bankrupt and have lost our way. If we weren’t, most of us we wouldn’t be worrying as much about hooking up, but instead trying to figure out how to make a difference with the time we have left.  By the way, that doesn’t include trying to get your wife to have lesbian sex with your neighbor. No, Tom, just because she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean isn’t an ignorant waste of your time! Look, as my brother I sincerely wish you every blessing including that you embrace a path of higher consciousness, recognizing the value and divine feminine in each being.

Listener Question:

“I met this wonderful man on a dating site and we really connected. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed a lot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. We even got very intimate physically very fast.

It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating.

We still talk but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”

Melissa (Santa Monica, CA)

Convincing someone to be with you seems a desperate act, never mind that you’re willing to subscribe to the notion that being with you is risky and that the outcome of the relationship would be left to chance.

Look, there’s no shame in being a work in progress; who isn’t?  There are, however, some basic ingredients that make for a great, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, none of which you have mentioned. Instead your situation is plagued with fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, wreckage and unemployment. I say change your focus: before you make another move take a good look at your love and flair for the dramatic. Then get a hold of your incredible, amazing self and ask it this; “Do I want to spend my life with someone who isn’t falling all over themselves to be with me or, at minimum, reciprocating my interest in kind?”

In the meantime I would like you to take some of that energy you are spending trying to get someone to love you and invest it in yourself. Start by making a list of all the things you value about yourself (if you need a jump-start ask some people you already know and love, who know and love you, perhaps a family member or relative or close personal friend). This is a powerful, juicy exercise in self-love that quickly reminds you what’s great about you, and like I always say, Great relationships begin within!

All relationships require some effort and creativity to keep your s-e-x life fired up. Many couples make the mistake of focusing on the frequency, or lack thereof, of the sex in their relationship. This approach will get you no more sex in your relationship than talking about money will actually get you money.

The key for re-igniting your sex life is to focus on the intimacy in your relationship and the sex will come. Concentrate on improving the intimacy in your relationship and the sensual aspect of your relationship will naturally be re-ignited. Relationships that have sensual closeness experience increased intimacy. These are the emotions that act as a spark needed to re-ignite the feelings that connect us to our partner. These sparks are the connections that lead to the firing up of our sex life in our relationship. Without these sparks our sex life crumbles to ashes, taking our relationship with them.

So how do you re-ignite the intimacy in your relationship?

* Take time out for each other. It is essential that you take time out for your relationship as a couple. Schedule a date if you have to, just like you would schedule a haircut or dental appointment. This may sound silly but in today’s world of multi-tasking activities where every minute is accounted for, if you don’t schedule time for your relationship, you won’t have any time for it. And eventually, you won’t have a relationship at all.

* Next, focus on the physical act of touching, not the sexual act. The act of touching is very sensual and fosters an intimate feeling of one-ness. This feeling creates an invisible, seamless transition into foreplay. Take it from there without any expectations. Go with the flow and see where you end up.

* Throw away all your beliefs on how and where you should you have sex. Be open, playful and creative. Create your own unique sexual moments. Try the laundry room or the basement. Role play or talk dirty while making sure your partner is comfortable in the intimate environment you create for each other.

* Finally, be accepting and non-judgmental of where your partner is sexually. Remember, it is the intimacy and sensual closeness you are striving for in your relationship, the sexual act is merely an emotional bonus of this intimacy. Don’t jeopardize a sensual moment with criticism or judgments of any kind.

Does this require a little bit of work? Sure, but the fruits of your labor is sure to fire up your s-e-x life, creating greater intimacy and better sex that will strengthen your relationship for Building Together a Relationship Filled with Love, Health & Wealth.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food. We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel. We also have a very fundamental difference. I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type. In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that timeliness has always been an issue in our relationship. Rewind the tape back to when we were on our way to an early evening BBQ. I was contributing the salad and we were running late. As I’m glancing at my watch to see just how late we were, Dale pulled off to the side of the road and said, “Wow, look how the afternoon light is falling on the hillside. It’s so beautiful, let’s just enjoy the view for a moment.” Just as I was about to open my mouth to point out we were late and had no time for this silliness, I glanced over at the hillside and, you know what, it was beautiful. After a few minutes, we were on our way and the salad delivered in plenty of time. That was a pivotal moment for me and I wondered how many other beautiful sights I had missed because of my rush through life. Perhaps, I thought, it was time to see the world more through Dale’s eyes. While I’ve still got those Type A tendencies, I’ve learned that there are times, many times, when tapping into my inner Type B makes my life healthier, more enjoyable and more beautiful. My sweetheart taught me to relax and to see beauty I would otherwise have missed.  Wow.

Too many people trash their relationship by trying to make their partner their clone, insisting that their way is the one and only right way. Sure, I could have badgered and nagged Dale into being the clock Nazi I was and, believe me, I did plenty of that in the beginning, arguing that his being late was arrogant and self-centered. Then one day it hit me: it was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue. Now, I don’t demand perfection and, because he understands how important timeliness is to me, he pays more attention to the clock when it’s truly necessary to be on time. I win. He wins. Our relationship wins.

Your differences can be the source of constant irritation or, if you open your mind and heart, they can be the source of growth and greater closeness.

Shela Dean, Relationship Coach, Speaker & Bestselling Author (http://www.ShelaDean.com)

“my question is that i love this one girl but she is of a different culture, i am indian and my parents are really traditional and want me to get an arranged marriage, i really dont think this is best for me, the girl i love is african and i want to be with her and hopefully get marriaged to her, but she doesn’t want me to disobey my parents she wants there acceptance, what do i do please help me.”

- Bob (19)

“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?”

- Tom (50, St Paul, MN)

“A couple of years ago, 2.5 to be exact, my girlfriend discovered pornography in belongings that were stored at the storage facility, as I had recently moved in with her, and had no room for my stuff. I had no knowledge of her discovery, as she decided to go through my belongings without my knowledge. Trying to discover dirt on me, I guess. This did not surface immediately, as it took about a month for her to confront me about it. I was honest, told her that it had accumulated over the years from friends who had moved on. She didn’t believe me, accusing me of purchasing these items. This went on for months, until I finally lied, and said I bought them all. This didn’t change anything, and I finally told her that I had lied about buying the videos, hoping that it would put an end to this. So since I’ve been caught having the items in my possession, it’s been a never ending argument with her over the years. I’ve since ended friendships with my female friends, as she believes male and females CANNOT be friends, as this may lead to a relationship, I no longer hang with my male friends, because she believes they may steer me in the wrong direction, and now she’s accusing me of going to strip clubs during my work day. Not to mention we received SPAM in our joint email account, and accused me engaging in some sort of relationship with this individual. It was quickly difused, as we received something vary similar a day later, from a different addressee. My only freedom right now is coming to work, and home (prison). HELP!”

- Inamess (36)

“My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for four years in February. We have broken up about four times and have tried to date other people but we always end up coming back to each other. I like to hang out with my friends but he wants me to give him all of my time. He wants to be the center of my attention every second of every day. And he also wants me to give up something big to prove to him that I love him. I do not want to think about marriage or children, but he wants to marry me and have children with me, I am a very stubborn person and while I am young I do not want to have to think about marriage I just want to have fun. I experiment with different hair styles and hair color (just brown and black) and he cannot stand it. He hates change, and I thrive for it. I am an artist and see my body as a blank canvas so I also want to experiment with piercings, and tatoos but he threatened he would break up with me if I did, I do not see what is wrong with them. I want to live life to the fullest and I feel trapped and guilty for wanting the things that make me happy. I am in love with him but all of these minor problems are making me miserable. I believe that love is enough, but he does not… he wants me to prove it, but I am not going to change or give up anything…Is that wrong of me?”

- Crystal (17)

“I’m dating a girl. We have been together for over a year. We fought all the time and eventually, just before the one year mark, I broke up with her. Reason being, I met a girl in college that I couldnt get out of my head. So I broke up with her and started seeing the new girl. Eventually, the new girl and I stopped seeing each other and my ex and I got back together. We moved in together and lately Ive been feeling very unhappy. She is not so girly, kinda tom boyish, and she used to date girls when she was younger. I am a short guy, 5′5 and im not very tough, kinda a gamer, indoors nerdy type. Lately, Ive been very unhappy. Ive also stopped having sex with her, strange for a guy I know, but I almost kinda hoped she would get bored and cheat on me, getting me off the hook. She is head over heels for me, and crys and crys and crys anytime I talk about ending it. Today, I finally snapped. I told her its not working….honestly, we dont have anything deep in common, we both like music, but completely diff. types of music. we both like food, but completely diff. types of food, we argue over any deep conversation. I feel very confident alone, and I have gone many many years alone, and without sex or relationships, and feel very comfortable alone, a lil lonely, but OK. She crys and crys and cant seem to be without me. I feel like shes not really in love with me, just scared to be alone, even tho she swears she just loves me and really wants to be with me. although every time we fight, which is alot, she says she hates me, Im an asshole, im selfish, etc….btw, her best friend in the world is a guy, better looking than me, big muscles, he models, and hes very strong, tough, dark, not sooo smart though. I find myself especially attracted to really girly girls, not extremely bright girls, who make me feel tough, strong, smart, and manly….SHE always challenges my intelligence, strength, manhood, just cuz she is just as smart as me and she is a very tough, tom boyish girl. so basically, I want a girlier girl,even though most girlier girls I date dont work out. she wants to be girlier and wants more than anything to be with me….what do I do? Am I wrong to want a girlier girl who makes me feel strong, smart manly? I keep telling her she should find a stronger, more manly smart guy, or maybe go back to dating girls…I dont know. She really wants to be with me, and she is very good to me, and makes me happy, except I never feel manly with her. I find myself talking in baby talk, becomming girly, simply to balance. I hate that…Its not me. I am from the south and grew up very old school, where the man is a man and the woman is submissive to her man, although I am very pro-modern era, and want a woman who has her own job, her own goals and carreer, and I have my own. Although she seems to only want to be a housewife, no carreer, just kids and loving to husband. I want a girly girl who looks to her strong smart husband to lead at home, but has her own carreer focus and is ok with or without me. what do I do? please help. we live together,so its not easy to split up, so need some advice. she IS good to me though, and I will miss her if I end it. But, Im tired of competing with her..whos tougher,whos smarter, who wears the pants?”

- Ryan (25, Anaheim, CA)

“After two months of dating, my girlfriend complained that I never told her that I loved her. To me, two months isn’t too soon to say that, but it does seem a bit early to worry that nobody has said it. But that’s not my problem. I had planned to surprise her with a trip to Houston to see a museum she’d mentioned that she always wanted to visit, way back when we started dating, with reservations at her favorite restaurant there, where I’d let her know how much she meant to me. But now, she’s pretty much said that if I do tell her I love her, she would wonder whether it was because she complained. The timing is frustrating, and I am even a bit (maybe unreasonably) mad at her for preemptively sabotaging a gesture that I wanted to mean something to both of us. I want to save this relationship, but I don’t know what I can do at this point to make her believe my sincerity.” - Jarrod (32, Sugarland, Texas)

The formal name for “the love hormone” is known as oxytocin. When we experience happiness, we experience an increase in this “love hormone”. When this “love hormone” is increased in our body, we experience an increase in our sense of attachment to our partner. So what’s the best way to increase oxytocin… our “love hormone”?

Touch is the single easiest way to increase our “love hormone” levels. Could you think of anything easier to do than to touch someone you care about. Think about it. Touching someone you care about is as natural as breathing. Touching, technically referred to as “tactile stimulation”, instantaneously creates an emotional connection between you and your partner and gets the “love hormones” flowing.

If we fall and scrape our knee, we automatically reach down to touch our knee with our hands. We do this because we believe the act of touching our knee will make us feel better. And it does! In our relationship, touching our partner makes us feel better, and more connected because it increases the level of the “love hormone” in our body. This increases our emotional attachment to our partner.

The strength of emotional attachment we feel for our partner forms the basis of the strength in our relationship. A strong emotional attachment creates a strong relationship. A weak emotional attachment creates a weak relationship. It makes perfect sense that as our sense of attachment towards our partner grows, our relationship grows with it.

Holding hands and hugging are just two easy ways we can touch our partner and increase our “love hormone”. I am sure you can think of some more ways.

Touching is the simple, most effective way to increase our sense of emotional attachment to our partner.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann
www.relationshiptoolbox.com