“my girl friend is a skatter and its like at times she rather skate or skate with her ex(he tought her how to skate) then to be with me should i be worried.”

- Ryan (21, Lodi, CA)

“I’ve suspected for years that my father has been cheating on my Mom, and last week a former mistress of his contacted me on Facebook and confirmed it. Now I can’t look at him without wanting to punch something (preferably him). I think my Mom deserves to know but I don’t want to hurt her. They’ve been drifting apart lately and have been trying to reconnect. I don’t know what I should do.”

- Judy (25, Ireland)

“I have been married for three years and i always saw my husband with love and respect. I was so in love, until I found out he was cheating. We separated for a couple of months but he asked me to take him back and I did because I still loved him. The truth is that once we moved back together I realized It wasn’t the same, I did not trust him and I saw him differently. A few months ago we had a roomate, I started having feelings for this guy, just the way he is and all the fun i have when we hangout. He moved out a couple of months ago and eventhough nothing had happened between us I missed him. We started texting and then starting going out just as friends, We have not had sex because I am married and is something we both decided on, but we have kissed and there is a lot of chemistry between us. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I know is that things between me and my husband are not the same.”

- Zayda (24)

“NO” is one of those words that most women have difficulty uttering for fear we will not be liked or loved, yet sometimes it is the very word that is a door between us and what we really want. Think about it for a minute, and you will see that “No” sometimes means you might have avoided some unnecessary discomfort, even pain and suffering. Practically speaking, NO is the sound that your body makes when it contracts, and it’s a natural reflex. It’s when we override this inner wisdom that we get into trouble.

Evans asks,

“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?”

What about “she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment” is confusing you? I would say it sounds like she has made it clear she does not want more (beyond a few shnuggles). If you genuinely want to know why she left you so you can better yourself or learn something about relationships, ask her; but only because you would like to understand where you went wrong in her eyes, not because you want to win something, particularly her affection and heart. My advice: relationship is not a sport!

Brandon asks,

“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?”

Instead of focusing on the idea of: “How do I love thee? Let me count the things that I will sacrifice to prove it!” why not instead rejoice in the fact that out of almost 7 billion people on the planet she chose YOU? There you have it, instant feel-good. You’ll see that she is committed (and has sacrificed) after all – you’ve simply been staring at the glass half-empty!

Melissa asks,

“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2 ½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her.  He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2 ½ yr affair and have no feelings for her? ”

I think I understand your dilemma; you want to believe him yet the very nature of what he has done makes that seem impossible. Monogamy, while it’s not always easy, makes us feel safe and is a way we respect our personal boundaries with other people as we move through the world. Then there is the second and equally devastating issue of lying; in your case not just once but for two-and–a-half years straight. When any one of these foundational pieces takes a hit, naturally our relationship falls apart. The question is, what would it take for you to trust this man again, to believe that he will tell you the truth? And while you are at it, what’s your part in this?

If you had to ask yourself how you were complicit, what would you say? The good news is, never before have we lived in a time where we had more healing tools available to us. You can  get a copy of one of my favorite books on the matter; How to Love your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan. Thank you for reaching out.

Blessings! http://maryannelive.com

“Well I Have A Friend Who Has Went Out With This Dude A Lot Of Times And She Hasnt Taken The Time To Realize That Hes Playing Her Everytime They Go Back Out, So Im Wondering How You Can Catch A Player In The Act.”

- Jessica (15, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma)

“My boyfriend and I work in the same place but in different departments so hardly see each other. Last year, months before he got with me, he got drunk and kissed his co worker on a night out and recently I’ve seen them flirting again and I’m starting to wonder if it’ll happen again. She’s married and has a terrible reputation but as she’s pretty guys are falling over themselves to flirt with her as they know of her reputation. I can’t stop thinking about my boyfriend and her flirting and getting close again. We spoke about it and he told me that there’s nothing in it, he has banter with everyone and she doesn’t give him any grief and it’s not that he enjoys the attention. That worried me. He’s talking about her not giving him grief and I’m guessing he’s saying I do. I don’t want him to be going to work for an ego boost and enjoying himself with her rather than wanting to be with me that way. I’ve tried to explain to him that it worries me he’s flirting with her because of what happened before and the fact he seems to be getting closer to her after us talking about it scares me. It’s hurting me so much. If I bring it up we end up having an argument, he’ll say I have to trust him, which I try to do. Please help me. On the positive side he’s talking about holidays together next year, us going with his family on holiday and moving in together which I know means he’s serious but I wake up in the morning and think about this. I need help on getting it out of my head.”

- Paula (31, Aberdeen)

“Do two “wrongs” make a right. I’ve been cheated on from my most recent long term relationship. Now there is a guy who is 35, married with kids who is interested in me. Told his wife he took me out to drinks and she wasn’t being a very good wife. He says he has been cheated on but really who knows…may just want me in bed to get his fix b/c he isn’t getting it more than once a week. What is your take on that? And how do I find the one who aren’t attached!?! Without doing the whole “bar sceen”, I don’t have a “job”, I’m an entreprenuer so my networking circle is my social interaction.
Thanks!”

- Jane (28, CA)

“I suspect my fiance of an affair. last sept. I saw a text on his phone. “hey sexy are you working” He said she was a waitress at Hooters, She would save him a table get him in and out quick. I checked cell phone records, they were texting each other almost daily even when we were on vacation. bank statement shows he has gone there on average of twice a week for several months. what is your opinion. can’t get him to talk about it. says she is just a waitress.”

- Terry (51)

“My husband of 19 yrs was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2 1/2 years. he has been begging, pleading etc….that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is were my question comes in. The only place they ever saw eachother was at her apartment during the day for sex. 2-3x a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. I know he isnt lying because she is mad at him now and trying to talk to me. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, even called her a whore, she freaked . Could it be true to have a 2 1/2 yr affair and have no feelings for her?????”

- Annie (46, Chesterland, OH)

Add to the list of recent exposed cheaters NFL star and Today show correspondent Tiki Barber. He joins the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards – and these are just the people who’ve been exposed recently. Every time we turn around it seems someone larger than life is being brought down by confessions or allegations of infidelity.

Barber announced he’s leaving his wife of 11 years (who’s eight months pregnant with twins, I might add!) for his 23-year-old mistress, a former NBC intern. It seems like infidelity is spreading like an epidemic and I do believe infidelity and adultery can be treated like a disease, brought into the light, discussed and thereby hopefully rehabbing those who have faced it or succumbed to it. In fact, not long ago it was discovered that there’s a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners, thereby making them less or more likely to be disposed to infidelity.

As I make clear in all my work, connecting infidelity to a gene, or labeling it as a disease does not give the perpetrator a free pass – it merely serves to help us better understand the cause and effect and to treat it effectively instead of continuing the trend of leaving devastated relationships in its wake. As we’ve seen, adultery is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Typically, those in the spotlight have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress, and nowadays with all of juggling so many things, it doesn’t take being a politician or an actor of a sports star to fall into the cycle of adultery. It feeds off what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

If you’re in the habit of not addressing your subconscious feelings, people often look instead for that next thrill-seeking high. The quest for this high becomes all-consuming even though to a rational mind the quest seems quite dangerous. Similar to alcoholics and other addicts, those who are dealing with the affair disease are frequently putting everything on the line for that next fix.

Of course there are other factors at work here – like if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.

This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting  AGAINST however you have to – through therapy, support groups or counseling.