There you are, in line at the grocery store when a very attractive person brushes up against you accidentally…or so you think. How can you be sure? You can’t right away, so you look again and try and make eye contact this time. First, to see if what you thought you saw was an attractive person, and then next (if you still think so), to see if the brush might have been deliberate. But how can you tell with a look? Maybe they were off-balance, or the person behind them bumped into them, or maybe they are nearsighted and left their glasses in the car. Before you make another move, I know you realize a lot is at stake here; what you do (or don’t do) in the next 30 seconds could change your life…forever.

Take our quiz and see what you know about flirting: Answer True or False, then add up and click here for answers)

1. When someone goes out of their way to talk to me they are flirting
2. When someone makes prolonged eye contact (more than three seconds) they want my attention
3. When a woman is flirting it’s obvious
4. When a man is overtly flirting he generally has one thing on his mind
5. There’s a difference between being flirtatious and flirting
6. There are right ways and wrong ways to flirt
7. Saying inappropriate things in the name of flirting is acceptable
8. Flirting when you’re in a committed relationship is fine as long as you don’t act on it

Here are some TIPS to help you engage in healthy, fun flirting:

So first things first, and at the top of the list when it comes to having healthy, fun flirting you need to ask yourself: What are your intentions? That’s right: What do you want? If you want a real relationship, for example, and you do find yourself in close proximity of someone you find attractive, naturally one of the first things you’ll do is scan that person for signs that they are available; wedding ring or, in this scenario, baby formula in the basket, wife or children in tow, etc., before you make a move.

The next step, once you’re clear you are in fact looking for that special someone is being safe (not to be a buzz kill)! You really can’t be too careful these days. So when you find you are attracted to someone, make sure you pay close attention to your body cues and all the signs that make you feel secure and safe, especially if you are the one being approached. Whether you are at a grocery store/bar/gym/party, take time to check in to those cues that register beneath the surface of whatever seems so compelling; his or her awesome butt or radiant aura. Everybody gives off a vibe; make sure you check theirs out good!

And the third step, the fun part, the actual flirting…there is nothing to worry about here at all. Sure you say, easy for you to say. Nawww, it’s in your blood. It’s in everyone’s. It’s built right into your nature, meaning it’s practically foolproof, ‘cause half the time you’re sending signals without even realizing. It’s about paying attention and practicing; a little brushing up never hurt anyone (since most of us freeze up when this unconscious behavior suddenly becomes conscious). That reflexive look, that urge to see who was brushing up against you and why, IS flirting at its very base! In the grocery store, it could be as simple as another attempt at making eye contact, holding your gaze for three or more seconds and smiling. Really, that’s it. The rest is as easy as finding something sincere and authentic in the moment to say, and you’re halfway there.

While the internet is fun and fast, nothing can take the place of one-on-one human interaction. My point is, don’t be afraid to get out there and practice connecting, just keep these three basics in your tool belt: what’s your intention (what do you want), be safe, and know that flirting is natural and part of your instinctive makeup!

For more info about Maryanne and what you need to know before you drop your drawers, go to info at Maryannelive.com

The Greeks had five words to describe the different levels of love: eros, passionate love, essential desire and longing, romantic love; philia, friendship, loyalty; storge, natural affection; agape, selfless giving; and thelema, desire or will to do something. In the English language we have many states of feeling that describe different elements of love: idolization, affection, devotion, worship, infatuation, lust, passion and rapture. None of which are synonyms for love, as we only have the one word for that, love itself. My husband and I, who have spent an inordinate amount of time mulling over the finer points of love’s various meanings, have come up with our own adaptation that was part of our sacred marriage vows: I want what you want for yourself.

Then there is another subcategory of love we Westerners recognize as being “in love.” It’s a kind of “objective” love: the state in which we project our affection onto another person and vice versa, which evolves into a more mature version, characterized as an act of giving without expectation, i.e. respect, affection, adoration, etc.

And then (I could go on and on down that rabbit hole, but won’t) there’s the growing phenomenon of addiction. According to the current DSM manual, relationship addiction falls under the category of process addiction, which means it’s behavior-related. Webster’s defines it as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice, or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its sensation causes trauma (an emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to a person’s psychological development, often leading to neurosis).  As opposed to the etymological definition, addiction, meaning to surrender to, or a giving over of. No matter how you slice it, addictive relationship or love is in a class all by itself, and when unattended can lead us into some real dark and potentially dangerous places for everyone involved!

I believe what the brilliant author and spiritual leader Thomas Moore asserts: that most addictive behavior is a misinterpretation or distortion of our soul’s longing. And have come to notice over the years that when we don’t really know who we are, what we want and what we feel, we don’t know what we need. We are far more likely to succumb to those potentially destructive, unconscious, programmed behaviors we learned as kids to temporarily alleviate or quench those longings. Behaviors we adopted as a means to comfort ourselves, in particular the ones closely associated with being externally referenced that fall into the “object love” category—which many times sets us up for addictive relationships when unchecked.

Repetitious behavior in and of itself is not inherently bad; we count on some of our repetitive behaviors to create success. It’s when repetitious behavior is deleterious or destructive that we need to be concerned. At which point, if we can catch it, we have an invitation for self-inquiry and deeper examination. We can take an investigative look at what we really long for or need. Then we can choose conscious, healthy ways of giving ourselves just that, so we can avoid harming ourselves and anyone else any further.

I know, how boring! Bring me the drama, I like the bad boys and the tortured souls, it’s so much more interesting and fun. Maybe…temporarily. I would argue that in the long run it’s depleting and soul-sucking, and often proves to be dangerous. If you think you might be one of the hundreds of thousands of people affected by relationship addiction each year, here’s a quiz that may help you tell:

Do you feel a kind of high when this person calls or makes contact with you?
Does your attraction seem somehow bigger than you?
Do you feel agitated or restless when you don’t know where they are?
Is there a sense of the forbidden in the relationship?
Do you find yourself doing (or not doing) things you normally would (or would not) with this person?
Have you found yourself increasingly rationalizing their actions or behavior?
Do you feel more insecure or suspicious than usual, in this relationship?
Do you find yourself trying to be sexier, more accommodating or agreeable, in hopes of holding this person’s interest?
Does this person display behaviors and values that you find dissimilar to your own?
Do you know deep inside that this person isn’t right for you, but something keeps you there?
Do you feel empty or ultimately unfulfilled by this person and the relationship as time has gone by?
Has the relationship negatively affected any of your other relationships with children, family or friends?
Do you, despite knowing the relationship is unhealthy or even a dangerous relationship addiction, keep finding reasons to stay?

Admitting some of these things to ourselves can be very uncomfortable, never mind make you feel incredibly vulnerable. There is usually a great degree of silent shame felt by many of us who are in or have had an addictive kind of relationship experience. The flip side is, sometimes admitting that can be a relief.

Awareness is key, and a good first step if you suspect you are in a addictive relationship. And I applaud you for having the courage to look. To you, I would say: keep your eyes open and maybe start a journal. More will be revealed. Denial is the real threat, so watch for your tendency to start rationalizing unacceptable behavior. Depression is another sign that we might be in an addictive relationship. The highs and lows start to wear on you, and you’re just not yourself these days. Now the good in the relationship is starting to be outweighed by the bad.  Whatever the case, beating yourself up or heading for the Haagen Dasz isn’t going to help. If you suspect your dependent relationship might be heading towards an addictive one, there are a great many people and organizations dedicated to helping men and women deal with addictive relationships and patterns that can support you in getting you and your love life back on track! You can try your local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous for starters.

Yet at the reception after the memorial, instead of drowning in her tears (which we would imagine is what most of us would do), she wanted to talk about what a great, loving father and husband he was. How funny and generous he was. How many people’s lives he touched, and how blessed she was to have had twenty years with him. And while yes, her eyes were puffy and blurred with mascara, as sad as she was, she was genuinely grateful and proud to have spent this chapter of her life with such a man. You could feel it was true.

On the ride home tears spilled down my cheeks, as the truth of her words about her husband were also true for me, in a smaller yet significant way. This man has indeed touched my life, his generosity and beautiful spirit has definitely made a difference to me and my family. And then I felt this wave of inspiration fill my heart. A reaffirmation of why I do what I do and do it with such passion. To help people find what my girlfriend found with her beloved husband, however long they were blessed to share that together.

People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, how to date successfully, or meet someone and start a healthy dating pattern. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.

Q 1 When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?

1.Human beings are not monogamous creatures
2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person
3. I’d rather wait until they are available

Q 2 How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?

1.It depends on how well I know the person
2.If it feels good, do it
3.Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight

Q3 Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?

1.Some people just bring out the worst in each other
2.That was then and this is now
3.I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean

Q4 Does God matter in a relationship?

1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person
2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible
3.To each his own

Q5 When you should bring up marriage or commitment?

1.Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that
2.You should just go with the flow
3.Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away

Q6 At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?

1.Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for
2.If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it
3.Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later

Q7 When and how do you talk about STDs?

1.I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease
2.ASAP and gracefully
3.You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom

Q8 Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?

1.Everyone deserves a second chance
2.As long as it wasn’t murder
3.Depends on what for

Q9 Does everyone need a purpose in life?

1.I just want them to be happy
2.Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit
3.As long as it isn’t me

Q10 Do you believe in Happily Ever After?
1.I don’t need to anymore
2.I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements
3.Sure, who doesn’t want that?

Tally up your points with the key below and mail your score to info at maryannelive dot com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur. (Be sure to include on what site you took the quiz!)

Key:
Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points
Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points
Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point

Take a few minutes for this quiz; use the answers for some objective introspective into the situation.

1)     How long have you been dating this person?

a.       0-6 months

b.       6-12 months

c.       1-3 years

d.       over 3 years

2)     What was the first thing that attracted you to your current partner?

a.       physical appearance

b.       social status

c.       emotional connections

d.       makes you laugh  e. have fun together

3)     What things made you continue to like your current partner?

a.        Way he/she treats you

b.        he/she grew on you

c.        don’t want to be alone

d.        don’t know

4)     What do you have in common with this person?

a.        A lot

b.        Not much

c.        We have nothing in common

5)     What are your differences?

a.        A lot

b.        Not much

c.        We have no differences

6)     In your opinion, has your relationship progressed or remained stagnant?

a.        Progressed

b.        Remained pretty much the same

7)     Does the reason(s) you were first attracted to this person still attract you to him/her?

a.        Yes

b.        No

8)     If not… what has changed?

a.        Those things annoy me now.

b.        He/she doesn’t do those things anymore.

c.        I don’t know.

d.        I’ve changed; I don’t find that attractive anymore.

9)     Do you feel happier when you are with:

a.        this person

b.        your friends

c.        alone

d.        equally happy in all situations?

10)   Does your partner treat you with dignity and respect?

a.        Yes

b.        No

c.        Sometimes

11)   Do you treat your partner with dignity and respect?

a.        Yes

b.        No

c.        Sometimes

12)  How often do you and your partner argue?

a.        At least one time a week.

b.        Every day or almost.

c.        Barely ever.

d.       Few times a year.

13)   How long does it take for you to make up after an argument?

a.        Same day

b.        Few days later

c.        At least a week

d.        More than a week

14)   When you think about him/her do you feel happy and calm or worried and stressed?

a.        Happy and calm

b.        Worried and stressed

How do you score?

Questions & Points:

1 – all answers get one pt.

2 – a) 1 pt.;  b) 1 pt.; c) 2 pts.; d) 2 pts.; e) 2 pts.

3 – a) 3 pts. b) 1 pt. c) 0 pts. d) 0 pts.

4 – a) 3 pts. b) 1 pt. c) 2 pts. d) 0 pts.

5 – a) 1 pt. b) 2 pts. c) 1 pt.

6 – a) 3 pts. b) 1 pt.

7 – a) 3 pts. b) 1 pt.

8 – a) o pts. b) 1 pt. c) 1 pt. d) 2 pts.

9 – a) 2 pts. b) 1 pt. c) 1 pt. d) 3 pts.

10 – a) 3 pts. b) 0 pts. c) 0 pts.

11 – a) 3 pts b) 0 pts. c) 0 pts.

12 – a) 0 pts. b) 0 pts. c) 3 pts. d) 3 pts.

13 – a) 3 pts. b) 2 pts. c) 1 pt. d) 0 pts.

14 – a) 3 pts. b) 0 pts.

Add up those points and check out what it means:

25-38 points: Stay together!

Sounds like you’re building a strong foundation.  Relationships all go through ups and downs.  They need to be nurtured to grow and stay fruitful.  Check out questions 10 – 14 again.  As long as these check out then keep going with it.  Maybe it’s just time to spice things up in your relationship to prevent boredom!

16-24 points:  Look deeper for answers!

It might be time to get a hold of how you feel for this person.  Is there love here or are you just keeping busy so you’re not alone?  Be honest.  Figure out your true feelings and then sit down and have a talk with your partner.  An open heart to heart can help figure it out.  After all if you’re not being yourself and lying about your happiness with this person you really are alone after all.  Decide together if you should try to make it work or go in your own directions.

7-15 points:  Time to move on!

Looks like you’re not in a healthy relationship for you or your partner.  Breaking up can be hard but you’ll feel better.  You won’t find that relationship of your dreams while you’re still hanging on to a bad one.  Be strong and move on.

The future of a relationship is best determined by those who are involved with it.  You have the intimate knowledge of what is going right and wrong.  Pay special attention to how you answered questions 10-14.  Mutual respect is the foundation for all good relationships.  If you don’t have this it’s really a waste of time, no matter how good the rest of it is.  Only you can decide what’s right for you but there are lots of tools to help you on this journey.

Remember guys and gals this ‘quiz’ is only to get you thinking.  There are  no easy answers in love!  Follow your heart, be true to yourself and treat others just how you want them to treat you.  Expect only the best for yourself!  If you keep open to love, put it out there in all you do, it will flow back to you!

About the Author: Bella is a professional writer with more than six years of experience specializing in love, relationships and dating from the Philadelphia area .  Bella has learned about love from life, books and working for professional love and relationship coaches.  Despite her experience working in love and relationships she says that life has been the best teacher of all.  Bella believes in following your heart and spirit in all you do – especially with love!