Vera Asked:

“I’ve been dating with a man for almost two years till now, I knew him when I was in my third year in the university. He is 44 years old now, He had married for ten years then got divorced he had three children with his ex-wife. Then he had another children with a woman who he didnt marry to. He told me all this before we started to date. I finished my school this year. Now we are living together like married couples. Before I only went to meet him once a week I didnt know his life much. But when we are together he sometimes get phone calls from other women he avoided to answer the phone. I had a feeling he had some women but I dont know who are they. Several weeks ago I read the messages in his phone, the result shocked me a lot, there are not a few women but a dozen of women. from 20 to 60 i think. we are now in China. He is Estonian, Im Asian. So the fact looks like he is a women collector. When they were sending messages they were using word like husbund and wife and sweet heart… among which I found my messages looks like im just one of those women. I didnt tell him what I saw then I found a letter from an Italian woman who he told me before but he said it’s just a friend. She was calling him lovers and express her love for him and it seemed they’ve kept this kind of relationship for several years. ok then like all the stories, as a woman i was cheated then I asked him, he said”im not cheating on you im just keeping you away from my private life” and said im too jealous and invaded his private life. Anyway im just not the type he likes,then why the hell you were spending your time with me. I hate being fooled around.

For several months I felt no hope for everything. i just graduated and got a job get ready to develop this relationship but looks like for this moment life doesnt like me much. i decided to change but i cannot get rid of everything now.

I need some help and suggestion to buid up myself.”

- Vera (22, Shanghai, China)

Bob Asked:

“my question is that i love this one girl but she is of a different culture, i am indian and my parents are really traditional and want me to get an arranged marriage, i really dont think this is best for me, the girl i love is african and i want to be with her and hopefully get marriaged to her, but she doesn’t want me to disobey my parents she wants there acceptance, what do i do please help me.”

- Bob (19)

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Matthew Asked:

“Hello my name is Matthew and I am 20 year old student. I meet this girl Nikita last year in the halls I now live in, she lives just above me. We had a love hate kind of friendship and would often tease each other a lot sometime a bit too much I must admit. And then last december from out of the blue she said that she liked me very much, and I felt very flattered. Things seemed to progress a bit more to the point that we spent a lot of time together. And then suddenly on December night we got very intimate. And since she is of Indian background their culture has certain norms. Like arranged marriage, no sex before marriage etc. etc. You guys probably know the drill. Then came christmas break and we did not see each other, and when second term started.

Somehow things just picked up. We ended up sleeping beside each other every night and continue to do so. We spend almost an unhealthy amount of time together. We do everything together. I have to admit I like it and I know she does too. Of course there have been some rough fights but I reckon that is part of entering a new stage and acclimatizing.

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I have a little frustration and anger towards social pressures put on all of us to pick a certain type of guy/girl. We go out with someone that does not fit this ideal and we nervously glance around see if anyone recognizes us!  Personally I refuse to go out with the Ken or Barbie of the dating world. I find that they are valued WAY MORE than what they are worth. Barbie is usually a tall blond with big boobs and a powerful Job. Ken is a six footer with sandy hair and inevitably a brainless lawyer that goes to strip bars on the weekends. Why do we value these people so much, when someone a little different might be so much better?  You may not have impressed the friends or family with Akbar the research student but… who… fucking… cares…

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Many people believe that dating people who share your ethnicity is one of the surest ways to find compatibility that works over the long-term. This belief is not simply folk wisdom – it’s actually been supported by psychology studies that focus on romantic longevity. As I think about Barack Obama’s recent presidential election speech which provided a beacon of hope and unity, I wondered for a moment if dating within your ethnicity is a little outdated.

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