This has been on my mind, and it’s time to start asking why. From the time we’re pre-teens, all the way till today, sex is like a dirty little secret that we’re not supposed to talk about. Yet, like most other things, the less we talk about it, the less we learn about it. It’s no wonder why so many couples are sexually unsatisfied, why children are having sex younger and younger, pregnancy and sexual disease are on the rise, and why more and more marriages are ending in divorce.
So let’s start with our kids. What are we afraid of them knowing? Why do we dodge their questions, or dance around them? Why don’t we encourage our children to come to us, and be open and honest with them? I have a question for all parents: If you’re not teaching your kids about sex, who is?
My hunch is they are learning from their friends, and who are they? What do they know? What parents need to know is that kids, regardless of how we feel or how we grew up, are faced with sexual social pressure nearly every day of their lives. Studies show that not only are more teens having sex, but they are starting younger.
The reality is if they don’t know something, they believe what their friends tell them. Don’t assume your kids are different unless you really talk to them. I read one study where teenage girls, 13-16 years old, were performing oral sex regularly. Why? They were pressured by the boys they liked, and they felt at least this way you can’t get pregnant.
Is this how you want your children to react? What are we afraid to tell our kids? Sex is nothing to be embarrassed about, or shy about. I’m not in any way suggesting we encourage sexual promiscuity from our children, but by all means, educate them the best you can and if your best falls short, or you still feel uncomfortable, get them to trust their physician. Your family doctor can be there to educate them. Perhaps they’ll even feel less embarrassed than talking with you.
Then we grow older, and what changes? We still learn from our friends and the problem with that is when sexual stories are embellished dramatically. For men, they’ll beat their chest about how long they last in bed, how much they satisfy their woman, how many chicks they’ve been with, and how big their hammer is. For women….well I can’t speak for you, but I can say that you are overwhelmingly more graphic when you talk about sex than men are. I don’t know how much is true or exaggerated, but you are very graphic.
So we try really hard to sexually satisfy our significant other, and we are always wondering if we are. Why are we wondering? Because we don’t know! The reason is because we rarely take the time, or we are just too shy and afraid, to ask our partner what they like and dislike.
I don’t mean turn and ask, “was that good for you?” I mean, ask our partner where they like to be touched, what they like and don’t like. Do you like your hair pulled, like to be spanked, like to talk dirty, or do you prefer to say nothing at all? What positions do you like? How do they make you feel? What’s your fantasy?
These are important conversations to have in order to develop intimacy with your partner. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, than who can you talk about it with? Don’t go bragging to your guy friends, or complaining to your girlfriends. Say it to your partner.
From the time we’re young, sex is a dirty little secret. Even masturbation, although very natural, is frowned upon. You’re told you’re not normal and you’re laughed at. Masturbation is how we experiment with our bodies to understand where and how we like to be touched and yet we’re so afraid of the consequences if we get caught. We never really allow ourselves to learn, therefore, we can never share what we like and don’t like, and then we’re too afraid to tell our partner we’d like to try something new.
Sex is not a dirty little secret, it is sacred, it is special and it should be shared not with the entire world, but with our partners, and by all means, educate your children before their friends do.
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