So many times people come to me and tell me they’re in a sexless marriage. This is such a tragedy, because sex is so beautiful when you’re in love. Most of the time, people don’t understand what happened. At first the sex was great, and as time goes by, the feelings fade. So what happened to cause you to be in a sexless marriage?
I just read a really good article on about sexless marriages and it inspired me to share my thoughts. You can check out the other one here.
Ultimately, reasons vary from relationship to relationship. But what I’ve found when I talk to couples is they simply aren’t communicating. Men in particular, think that sex is a right. And I’m a man.
What I mean is that when men want sex, they tend to do things to spark some emotion from their lady. They will do household chores they hate, make the bed, cook dinner, buy flowers, etc. In reality, the only reason they are doing this is for sex. They expect a reward for doing these things.
Women see right through this. This actually frustrates them. They want you to do these things because you love them. They want you to help them every day. They want to feel wanted and appreciated by you because you are in love with them, not because you want to get laid.
It’ s not that women don’t want sex. They just become overwhelmed with life’s tasks. Today, more women work. That means they take care of the household chores, care for the children, and go to work to provide financial support for the family. That’s a lot to take on for one person.
And when they go on vacation, they don’t actually get to ‘vacation’. They simply move location and continue to be wife, mother, and caregiver. It’s really no break.
It’s no wonder your wife is ‘too tired’ for sex. It’s not an excuse. It’s reality. And you haven’t done anything yet to make her feel special, to feel an emotional connection worth sharing.
So what went wrong in your sexless marriage? You were too worried to about getting. You wanted to get love, get respect, get sex. You need to focus on giving. You can have everything in life you want, if you just help enough other people get what they want. (Zig Ziglar). That includes sex.
Look at what you can do better. Ask yourself why you love your partner, and then work hard to prove it to them. Flatter them. Connect emotionally with them. Create intimacy. Ask them questions. Stop trying to solve all their problems and just let them vent for a while. Be their shoulder. Do all the things you did when you were dating.
Focus on what you can do to help your lover. Make their job easier. Show them you care. Prove to them everyday that they are number one in your life. Don’t do it because you want sex. Do it because you love them. Give a little more.
You could just quit this sexless marriage and find someone new. But that will only last so long before you sink back into old habits, forget to pay attention to them, stop giving, and start expecting. So to stop your sexless marriage, figure out what YOU can do to change!
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