You’ve always had it in you.  You’ve had the vision and the dream, and you’ve even had the tingly feelings and shaky knees that love can bring about.  You’ve had expectations of this thing called ‘love’, but over time, reality doesn’t seem to cooperate.

What brings about this distance between us, this emptiness that wasn’t a part of my plan?  The myriad of questions begin to fill your head.  What happened?  What did I do?  Am I not attractive to you anymore?  Don’t you love me?

Your quest to impress your ‘love’ drives you to change who you are.  Before you know it, your hair is different, your style has morphed, and you push harder and harder to feel accepted by your partner.  You soon find that you haven’t really changed anything but yourself.

Now you really think your partner is cheating.  How could they not pay attention to you?  You may have even found out that they have cheated.  It becomes your mission to find out ‘why’ your partner betrayed you in the most hurtful and humiliating way.

Affairs are painful and humiliating, but you have to understand that if you have been a victim, you are not alone.  Some 50% of marriages have been victimized by affairs.  And if you have a suspicion, you may want to dig deeper.  Of people who think that their partner is cheating, 85% of women and 50% of men are correct!

But is it your fault?  You should never feel like it is, as hard as it may be.  You didn’t do this.  Your partner is the one who committed this awful act.  To help prevent affairs or to recover from them, it’s important to understand why someone would do this.

Remember that people will cheat for different specific reasons, but most of the time, they all cheat for the same general reasons.  These are not ‘excuses’ for cheating; this is the root of the cause.

In my opinion, the number one reason men and women become unfaithful to their partner is because their specific needs aren’t being met with that partner.  In order to prevent affairs or recover from them, you really have to understand what your partner’s needs are.  The only way to do this is through communication.

I know you’ve heard this word, this creature, this belief: communication.  That’s the answer to everything.  You just wish that someone would help you communicate.  It’s easier said than done.  What is positive and meaningful?  Communication is not just talking.  Communication, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is a “technique for expressing ideas effectively”.

Ahh, the effective expression of ideas.  That’s it!  The trick is doing it.  I suggest that you and your partner spend some quality time together discussing what it is each of you expect from yourselves, your relationship, and each other.  You will be amazed at how much conversation this will stimulate, and how much you learn about your partner.

You want to understand what each of your basic needs are.  Start out with your top five needs from your partner.  I’m sure you will find two completely different lists, and that’s okay.  In fact, I would be shocked if you found two similar lists.

In his book, “His Needs Her Needs”, Dr. Wilard Harly studied this very task.  What he found confirmed that men and women expect and need very different things.  Dr. Harly’s common lists looked like this.

Man’s Needs

1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

Woman’s Needs

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty And Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment

These lists actually have nothing in common!  But that’s not a bad thing.  You may be thinking, “if we have nothing in common, how will we ever get along?”  Well, you’ve already taken the necessary step, and that is identifying and understanding what your partner’s needs are.  Many couples never take the time to do this, and it goes unsaid.

When one partner feels his needs aren’t being met, they will seek alternatives to meet these needs.  Men and women are built differently, and we cheat for different reasons.

Reasons Men Cheat

The easiest answer is simply that men cheat for sex.  It is the driving factor for men.  Refer back to the list above and note that men rank sex as their number one need.  The underlying reason men cheat is to escape intimacy in a relationship.  Intimacy relinquishes power and control, neither of which men want to give up.

When a man doesn’t fully commit to his partner, he maintains a sense of power and control in the relationship, and they need to have this in order to feel better about their relationship.  It is their way of protecting themselves from being hurt by not connecting on an emotional level.  You will often hear this referred to as “putting a wall up”.

Now, when a man has an affair, he is able to maintain power and control in both relationships.  He distances himself from his partner by cheating on her, and he can’t get involved emotionally with his lover because he doesn’t have the time to dedicate to her.  It’s a win-win for the male brain.

Reasons Women Cheat

Refer to the list of needs for women.  Note that sex isn’t on that list, so typically women won’t cheat just for sex.  Women tend to start their affairs on an emotional level, which over time can lead to sex.  They want someone who makes them feel important, wanted, appreciated, and secure.  They want someone who cares about them, their values, what they have to say, and and someone with a strong commitment to family.  Notice the parallels of the the list.

When the man, who is struggling to maintain control by putting up that emotional wall, fails to connect with his wife on an intimate level, she begins to fantasize and romanticize about other men.  After tolerating anger and disappointment for so long, a woman finds someone to make them feel secure and important.

As women strive for this connection, they will fantasize about a man who has more money, a better job, and someone they see as very close with their children.  Again, it goes back to that list.  Women want their needs filled, and if their man isn’t doing it, they want someone who will, so they dream about the guy with the high paying job and the dad that coaches the soccer team and plays catch in the yard.

The Quick List

Men: Tend to have more one night stand type of affairs.  This is what allows them to leave the intimacy out and fulfill the need of sexual desire.

Women: Tend to know the person they have an affair with.  This is because they first need to connect on an emotional level with the person.

Men: It tends to not matter if their lover is single or not.  Again, they are typically looking for instant satisfaction.

Women:  Tend to have affairs with other married men!  This is less risky and it maintains secrecy.  If he is also married, he doesn’t want it to get out.  It also lowers the chance of STD’s and bringing something home to the husband.

Men: Don’t have to know their lover prior to having sex with them.

Women: Tend to cheat with someone they know, typically a neighbor or co-worker.

Cheaters cheat for simple reasons, but you have to know what to look for.  If you know what to look for and what causes relationship meltdowns, you can have a long and happy relationship.  Make sure you really understand what it is you hope to get out of your relationship and understand what your partner’s expectations are.  Once you are completely open and understanding with your partner, the two of you can live happily ever after!

Brandon Grittini is the founder of Relationship Solutions and the author of the hit e-book “Cheating Spouses Revealed”. At Relationship Solutions, we strive to discover the root of your relationship struggles and provide solutions and support by helping to develop yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Brandon Grittini.