It has probably happened to each and every one of us – a brief romantic encounter that we carry with us for years. Perhaps you met that person on vacation, or may have met him or her while traveling on business in another area. You may have been twenty or you may have been forty. The point is that the memory of a fling can be powerful.

In writing this article, I am reminded of a popular song by Carly Simon entitled “Better Not Tell Her.” She sings the song to a man she had a brief rendez-vous with, and this man happened to be involved already. Ms. Simon advises him about how he should handle his return to his partner after the affair with her, as she sings “just leave out the white nights, the moon in your window, the break in your whisper, she won’t need to know.”

The problem with such a rendez-vous (independent of the glaring infidelity!) is that this song reminds us how we can all carry fleeting flings into our normal lives. The reality, however, is that these flings shouldn’t be romanticized or idealized because they are completely unreal. In the context of a brief affair, two people don’t truly know each other and the setting is often one of relaxation and abandon.

The goal in love is to learn how to have a vital love life in the context of a fairly normal – at least, to you – daily routine. Men and women must learn how to have intimacy within a long-term relationship. Brief flings from the past often interfere with intimacy at home because they provide a false belief that this abandon is real love. No, this is not real love – this is lust. How about trying to reinvigorate that sense of lust ion a long-term relationship? It can happen, though it might take a little bit of effort!

One of the most common problems that middle aged men and women report is the difficulty finding good dating material. Women, in particular, often feel that there is a built-in bias that makes dating more difficult in middle age than it is for men – they argue men often go for younger women. While we’ll leave this issue to be explored further on “The View” and other chat fests, it is important to discuss ways for men and women to try to meet someone.

Some single women and men in middle age are fairly social. Some work, and inherit a social community through their job, while others gain a social life through the network of their children’s activities, church, or other social functions. The most important thing for men and women in middle age to do if they’re genuinely seeking a partner is to get out of the house – odds are that the rap on the door is more likely Domino’s than your knight in shining armor.

That said, where do you go? The best way to plot your course of action is to check in with yourself. What are your interests, hobbies, and passions? If no passions come to mind, stick with your interests. What do you like to do? Come up with a list of things you like to do that are free, and a separate list of things that cost money. Take that last list (the things that cost money) and break it down into categories – inexpensive, expensive, very expensive. Take a look at your budget and come up with an amount of money you can spend each month for the next six months on pleasurable activities.

Next you must come up with a list of possible places where you can engage in the activities you like. Some activities are more difficult to do (playing doubles tennis, for example, because you need other people). Some activities are easy (sitting in a beautiful park and people watch on a nice, sunny day). The list is endless of the things you can do, but the common denominator is to put yourself out there.

The next step – once you’re out there – is to engage with others. Smile and say hello, or feel free to offer your name. Often men and women feel shy but then miss out on the chance to connect – don’t let yourself fall in this trap. Come up with a mantra you can repeat in your head when you are doing your activities in case you start to feel a little silly, lonely, or out of place. Say to yourself “I deserve to meet someone sweet,” or “Step out of your comfort zone and live a little.”

Hopefully these ideas will yield some positive results. Remember that finding meaningful dating material can be tough, so be a good friend to yourself in the process!

Hands down, the most effective way to conceptualize dating is to view it as informational interviewing. Don’t confuse this with testing your date – resorting to psychological manipulations to figure out who he or she really is. However, an informational interview is innocent enough – you need to find out certain things about a person and you accomplish this by asking honest questions.

The important point about dating as informational interviewing is that it keeps the focus on you – what are you looking for  in a partner? Is this the right person for you? Is this going to be a good match?

Too often dating triggers insecurities, causing men and women to fall into the position of wanting to be wanted or liked. The reality: who cares? If so-and-so isn’t into you, why does it matter? It’s only going to work out if the two of you both like each other, so…next!

Dating as informational interviewing acknowledges that you can’t presume anything about a person – you need to get to know a person to figure out who he or she is. Dating in this manner allows you to ask questions that are important to you, but you must take careful notice of the answers. Feel a red flag lurking in the distance? Don’t overlook it just because you’re sexually attracted!

The second point is that dating as informational interviewing is necessary but not sufficient for you to get a true sense of the person is that you’re dating. The other half of the equation comes down to their behavior –does their walk match their talk? If he says he’s organized and sensitive, does he arrive on time and listen to you talk about your day? If she says she’s ambitious, that’s great – but is she actively working toward some sort of career goal?

Finally, relax and allow your date to interview you, too. When you answer, tell the truth about your life and who you are. Though you may fudge a little bit in the truth department in week one or two, your date is going to start to see the real you sooner or later. And that’s a good thing, right?

How do you use good judgment in deciding when it’s time to leave a relationship? My friend Dr. Bethany Marshall, a Beverly Hills and Pasadena psychologist, wrote a book about how to handle this issue. That book, Deal Breakers, can provide a thorough guide to this navigate this problem. However, there is one main factor I will offer as a good stepping stone.

One of the best ways to make sense of the past and learn from it is to detect patterns. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, how long have you been unhappy? Let’s go a step further and look at what makes you unhappy to see if there’s a pattern. First, are the issues behavioral (he comes home too late, disrespects you in public, etc.) or are the issues more reflective of personality traits (she lies to you, is overly dependent, etc.)?

Determine if there is a consistent pattern that is making you unhappy, and then determine whether the main problem is a behavior or personality factor. There is no time limit I can tell you that is healthy – no set measure that says give him “3 months to change or else!” However, the more conscious you are of the patterns – and whether they reflect behavioral or personality issues – the better you will be able to make a decision based on sound judgment. Sometimes when we can articulate the problem more clearly, we can have a better idea about how to proceed in the future. Most importantly, we can have a better sense of whether we see the problem remaining or changing.

In the end, remember that we have only one life to live that we know about. My hope is that you live this one as happily and fully as possible, and that you find a loving relationship that lasts.

My friend set 2009 as the year she was going to meet someone great, and I’m confident this will happen. In talking with her about dating, Sandra told me what she does and does not like in a man. She also went a step further and told me her turn-ons and turn-offs when she first meets a guy.

Her greatest dating pet peeve is a man who uses a “line” to snag her like a wiggling fish looking for a sip of water. She told me one of the lines that turned her off the most: “Do you have a quarter? I told my mom I’d give her a call the moment I found the woman I‘m going to marry.” I don’t know who said this, but I think he might have a career as a writer of romantic cards or screenplays for a Lifetime television movie.

My friend Sandra’s point is that she gets turned off by men who come on to her as if being slick is somehow attractive. In lieu of this silly, gamy behavior, she prefers a man to approach her and say something genuine. After all, she explains, it’s not a tight rope course – it’s just an introduction.

Sandra’s feedback is important, I think, because it reminds us that coming across as down-to-earth and real are the real gems – these are the traits that are attractive in the beginning and over the long haul. Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman looking for love, don’t let yourself fall into trying too hard. The only thing you should really need to say to connect with someone is “hello” and you can offer a simple smile. If there’s chemistry, there will be no need for silly, gamy lines.

How someone kisses is another example of a behavior that, for some, can be a deal breaker. Some people joke that you must test-drive the sex with someone in order to figure out if the sex will ever be any good. Similarly, some people judge someone’s sexual attractiveness based on how well they kiss on a first date. Come on people, isn’t that a bit shallow? If, in fact, this behavior is that important to you, perhaps your badly kissing date would consider attending a major conference to improve his or her status. Okay, maybe that’s not so realistic…

The point is that men and women must have open minds as they look for an appropriate partner. One of the things I like to say when people complain about their partners behavior is: Imagine when we’re all 80 and sitting around in nursing homes – is this something you’ll look back on as being that important? It may sound silly, but I believe this scenario – imagining how you’ll view things at 80 – helps to put things in perspective.

As you reflect on this issue, ask yourself if it’s possible that someone you’ve dated has dismissed you for some superficial reason. Dating is all about karma, I believe, and you must learn to receive what you dish out. If you dismiss someone for a simple, idiosyncratic reason, you must give full license to someone else in the future to dismiss you just the same.

The next time you meet someone and decide that you don’t like something about him or her, be sure to ask yourself if the reason is good enough. In other words, ask yourself if you are dismissing someone without giving him or her a fair shake. When it comes to dismissing someone because he or she is a bad kisser, or is awkward in some other way, remember that some of these behaviors improve with intimacy – and intimacy is like a garden that takes a lot of tending.

One of the most consistent frustrations I hear from people looking for a partner is what I call the ultimate bad date – one in which their date doesn’t ask them any questions about themselves. Any come to mind?

Recently, my friend Ally told me about a date that started fairly typically. She and her potential beau-to-be went to a nice, quiet restaurant, and ordered a tantalizing drink and dinner. What happened next? Ally did the usual and polite thing – she asked the man who sat across from her questions about himself and his life. She had a healthy curiosity to know who he was and to establish a connection.

Not long into their dinner, she found herself asking and listening, but soon realized he wasn’t asking doing any of the asking back. At first, she felt a little dissed – was he not interested? Was he thinking, instead, she’s not very attractive and that he could not imagine asking her out again?

Soon, however, her feelings changed to frustration – would it be so hard for him to ask her about her life? What the heck did this mean, she wondered, as she drove away that night feeling empty and alone. When, she pleaded in her mind, would she find what so many of her friends already had – a good guy and a relationship she could count on?

Ladies and gentlemen, you have to be on your best behavior when you are cast adrift in the dating sea. You must work to show your date that you are not so wrapped up in yourself or so riddled with anxiety that you can’t perform simple appropriate dating behaviors, such as showing interest in your date. You have to ask your date questions about his or her life 1) so that you can figure out if the two of you are compatible and 2) so that you show him or her simple respect.

Asking your date questions shouldn’t be that difficult. You don’t need to go through a laundry list of first grader questions (What’s your favorite color?) but ask a few questions that will establish a connection. Ask your date about his or her family (do they live close or far away?) or about what kinds of things he or she likes to do when not working.

Whether your date asks you questions is a critical characteristic on the path to finding an appropriate partner – it shows the ability to give-and-take and shows the ability to begin to establish intimacy. If, in the future, you find yourself on a date in which your date is only talking about himself or herself and has not asked you any questions about yourself, address it in the moment. Make a joke and smile, saying “Ok, do you have any questions for me? I don’t want to feel like I’m conducting an interview!” Sometimes calling people out can help them see what they’re doing and they can redirect their own behavior.

No matter what, make sure to put this question on your silent checklist on your next date with a new potential partner: How easily did they ask me questions and show interest and curiosity about my life? You will be more likely to find a good partner if you approach your dating relationships with such consciousness.

Many people believe that dating people who share your ethnicity is one of the surest ways to find compatibility that works over the long-term. This belief is not simply folk wisdom – it’s actually been supported by psychology studies that focus on romantic longevity. As I think about Barack Obama’s recent presidential election speech which provided a beacon of hope and unity, I wondered for a moment if dating within your ethnicity is a little outdated.

I believe that sticking to a hard and fast rule about ethnicity in dating is not necessarily the most effective way to approach finding a partner. More than anything, men and women must focus on emotional compatibility above all else. I hate to think that someone could rule out the possibility of developing a relationship with someone simply on the basis of ethnicity alone.

Here, however, is one caveat to consider: the degree to which you identify with the history and customs of your ethnicity and its culture. You may be someone whose family encourages you to find a partner of the same ethnicity, who practices many of the rituals or customs of your culture consistently, and who values that your unborn child shares your exact ethnicity. If this is the case, it may be difficult for your relationship down the road if you marry outside of your ethnicity. My ultimate point, in your case, is that it is at least worth looking at the reasons why you only want to date within your ethnicity – you want to be sure the decisions you make in partner selection will be good for you over the long haul.

On the other hand, a great many people have an ethnic background that they do not so highly identify with. There’s nothing wrong with being either type of person – you simply have to know which one you are as you seek out the right romantic partner for you. I hear a lot of people say things like “but you can’t control who you fall in love with!” The truth is that it’s not necessarily wise to let yourself fall in love with anyone as if you have no control over your feelings.

It is very important to get a certain amount of information about prospective partners before letting yourself fall emotionally for them. As a rule, I don’t believe you need to stick to dating individuals who share your ethnicity unless you are highly identified with your culture’s customs and practices, and feel strongly that being with someone of another ethnicity would contradict strongly held values. However, you need to give someone a chance in order to learn certain things about him or her. For this reason, it may be wise to open yourself up and have an initial conversation with anyone – regardless of ethnicity.

For many couples, they share joint bank accounts and have no individual money to call their own. For these couples, good communication is critical because all the money is shared jointly. In other words, if one member of the couple chooses to drop a couple hundred dollars on clothing, it impacts the other member of the couple – they’re pulling from the same account.

Serious problems often emerge when one member of the couple has a gambling problem or a compulsive spending habit. Another problem that couples present is that one or both members of the couple, at times, hide some of their spending from their significant other. As a rule, you can’t have a truly functional relationship unless you have an open, honest line of communication – and there’s no exception when it comes to money.

What happens with some couples is that one person gets upset as a result of something the other does, and one who is upset often acts out through spending. It’s almost as if he or she feels deserving of the spending because of what the other member of the couple did. This is only a half-step away from a twisted teenage game. Because we’re adults, we must learn to confront issues when they arise in our relationships.

If you are someone who, at times, hides your spending from your significant other, I encourage you to think about how he or she would feel to know what’s going on. Also, as a rule of thumb, I think it’s realistic to think that if you’re doing something, your significant other could very well be doing it, too. This does not make it okay for you to continue spending and hiding in the future, though it does suggest that it’s time to put your behavior on notice.

The best way to find your partner is to embrace your single life and accept all that it has to offer. It’s perfectly normal to want a relationship, but it is abnormal to be single and unhappy about it. Life is a nonstop series of curve balls, and what separates the happy people from the not-so-happy people is the ability to adapt to your circumstances.

If you’re single, embrace it! There are many freedoms that come with being single, some of which you must give up when you commit to a relationship. When you’re single, you have sexual freedom. In addition to that, you have a lot more spare time than you do when you’re coupled. Sound silly? It shouldn’t – as a couple, you have to navigate two separate individuals’ social calendars of events.

I’ve heard many people say that the best way to find a partner is to avoid looking for it. I think this is one of the greatest myths out there in the dating universe. The truth is that you must wear on your face an openness and interest in the possibility in order for someone to pick up the signals. However, it is possible to hold two different beliefs about the same issue at the same time. You can enjoy being single but say to yourself that you would also love the opportunity to meet someone meaningful.

The important thing is to accept whatever stage of life you’re in and accept the pleasures that come with it. If you’re in a long-term relationship, there are wonderful advantages. Society is much better at reinforcing the advantages of commitment than it is at reinforcing the advantages of singledom. Somehow, society puts a ‘better’ status on people who are in a relationship. Think about the question either you’ve asked others or others have asked you: “Why are you single?” That’s a pretty provincial question. It suggests that the person who’s doing the asking doesn’t yet understand that being single isn’t so bad and, in fact, has its advantages.