Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20—it takes time to become soup—which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”

Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive—even thrive—if you share in three ways.

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Would you marry you? If you were/are single, are you the kind of person you’d be looking for and want to hook up with?

Sure, we all want a partner who is our version of the Perfect 10. But truth be told, we cross our fingers that said Perfect 10 will settle for a Strong 7 and overlook a few of our less than perfect traits. When you’re dating and doing your best to impress the object of your affection, you’ve got a couple of things working for you: (1) your sweetheart is blinded by falling-in-love hormones, and (2) you’re on your best behavior. You’ll never seem more like a Perfect 10 than in those too-short falling-in-love days.

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Okay, I’m going to be honest. This is not an entirely original idea. It was inspired by Brenda and Gill, the most clever couple I’ve ever met when it comes to keeping things playful and spicy. For example, they’re fond of having candlelit black tie dinners for two and they each wear nothing but a black tie. They might spend Saturday night in a fiercely fought game of strip poker or bikini Twister. Yep, they like to to get naked which, as you might imagine, leads to the boudoir, which leads me to the point of this article.

In today’s economy, we all need to save and most of us have less do-re-mi to spend on a night on the town, let alone a weekend getaway. As a result, a couple’s date night too often involves a remote control and, before you know it, you’re in that rut you said you’d never fall into. So, try this on for size . . .

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Negotiated infidelity. That’s the subject of “Sugarbabe” by Holly Hill, an Australian former mistress turned author. Her premise: keep your guy faithful to your relationship by letting him be unfaithful to you. Hmmmm . . .

Call me old fashioned. Call me narrow-minded. But I’m not one teensy bit interested in giving my sweetheart the nod to break a sweat with other women. Ms. Hill postulates that guys will be guys and, thus, we women might as well stop fighting human nature. That’s a bit like saying it’s a dog’s nature to bite so why train your dog to have good manners.

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It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I’ve learned that “reducing to the lowest common denominator” is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we “sink” to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you’ve ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you’re on that kid’s level.

We all behave badly at times. We get angry and lash out, we are disappointed and have a meltdown, or we’re just grumpy for no apparent reason. When it comes to our primary relationship, the tendency to “reduce to the lowest common denominator” often results in the other partner mirroring bad behavior. The results are never pretty. Example:

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There are plenty of so-called truisms out there, all designed to make us “okay” with things that aren’t “okay.” For example, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  We all know that’s baloney. Words can hurt like hell.

And how about this one: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This truism has been readily debunked by the medical profession. Simply put, if you don’t know your tapioca pudding is laced with rat poison, having dessert will definitely hurt—if not kill—you.

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One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won’t be boring at all because you’ll have so much to talk about. Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.

My sweetheart Dale and I are alike in many ways—the same sense of humor, a love of adventure travel, the same political views, an enjoyment of good food. We get along great, have tons of fun together, and almost never quarrel. We also have a very fundamental difference. I’m more of an A-Type and he’s definitely a B-Type. In summary, here’s how Wikipedia describes the two:

• Type A individuals are impatient, time-conscious, have difficulty relaxing, high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays.
• Type B individuals are patient, relaxed and easy-going, generally lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

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Private jokes. Code words. Shorthand ways of communicating. It’s part of what makes a couple a couple. To hubby Dale and me, for instance, “not pregnant” means “don’t make assumptions.” Here’s how that one came about . . .

We were on the way to an afternoon matinee. I was driving my hot Mustang, chatting and not paying attention when Wham! I rear-ended a van. We pulled into a parking lot. I went to the driver’s side. Dale ran to the other side. He yanked the door open, then said to the large female passenger, “Oh, my God, you’re really pregnant!” She wasn’t.

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Some couples are high school sweethearts who’ve never known love except with each other. For instance, my friends Bob and Nancy have been together since they were old enough to crawl and share pacifiers.  After three kids and 35+ years of marriage, they’re still stuck on each other. Such longevity is enviable—and rare. Most of us have an ex or two lurking in the shadows. Personally, I prefer that the past stay right where it is, but that’s not always possible, especially when there are blended families. When everyone gets along, it’s a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, that too is a rare thing.

Treading the treacherous waters of ex-relationships, especially in the context of a new relationship, requires finesse.  It’s easy to screw-up. To demonstrate:

Mark and Sharon arrive at a wedding to discover that Sharon’s ex-husband Joe (and his new wife Linda) and Mark’s ex-wife Carol (and her new husband George) are also at the wedding.  Through some colossal blunder, all six of them are seated at the same table.  Let’s take a look at some common mistakes partners make in these situations:

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The laws and regulations that govern our life are staggeringly complex. No one, not even an attorney, can know them all. But, like it or not, your marriage is subject to a myriad of rules and restrictions imposed upon it by the jurisdiction(s) in which you live, beginning with whether you “qualify” to be legally married and culminating with what happens to your property when you die. That’s the bad news. The good news is that, for the most part, you’re able to write your own rules to fit your unique situation IF you do it right.

Every business partnership worth its salt has an operating agreement that dictates the partners’ rights and obligations and what happens if a partner leaves or the partnership is dissolved. It’s a good idea to plan for such contingencies when everyone is getting along. The same applies to your remarriage. The last thing you want is for you, your spouse, and/or your heirs to be stuck in a quagmire of legal wrangling where those who benefit most are the lawyers.  The time to hammer out thorny legal, financial, and estate issues is when you’re clear-headed and can think both generously and realistically.

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