Well damn it, stop it!  Next time someone asks how your ex spouse is doing you pipe up with “I’m divorcing the jerk, hallelujah!” Smile a happy smile, and start laughing.  You’re asking me, “Kim, what am I laughing about?” I’m glad you asked.

You’re laughing because you no longer have to put up with their crap.  Their nagging, you all the time, silly complaints, annoying habits, sexless nights, spending habits, cheating, lying, lack of ambition, lack of time, lack of appreciation or being taken for granted, lateness, arrogance…the list could go on and on and on.  Just pick the one thing you detested about your ex spouse, just one.  Got it?  Okay.  Start laughing.  Why?  Because YOU no longer have to deal with it!  You don’t have to try to apologize to anyone for it, you don’t have to excuse it, you don’t have to patiently pretend it doesn’t disturb you…it’s no longer your problem!

Let’s say your ex wife nagged you about the way you drive.  Start laughing; you’ll never have to hear her complain about you driving too fast again!  Did you have a husband who told you not to put so much sugar in your coffee because bikini season is coming?  Start laughing; you never have to feel guilty or mad at him again. Why?  You don’t have to deal with his criticisms anymore.  Let him criticize someone else, as long as it’s not you.

My point is there are some good points to divorce.  You no longer have to deal with what you can’t stand about your ex. I just want you to start laughing at them!

1. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you forget.

When you forgive your ex, you are not saying that whatever wrongs was done to you were acceptable. It does not release your ex from the wrong actions that they committed.

2. Who’s being hurt by you not forgiving?

Is it your ex who’s kept up at night with bitter rage? Is your ex suffering from physical symptoms, like knots in the stomach, because of anger from your breakup? Are they wasting a good life by plotting revenge? I Doubt it, but if you are, you need to forgive so you can get healthy mentally and physically.

3. You don’t need to know “why” before you forgive.

It is unlikely that knowing the reasons for your ex’s behavior will make you feel better or lessen the pain. It is even more unlikely that your ex knows why he or she behaved this way.

4. Write a list of what you need to forgive.

What was done to cause the pain in that past relationship? What do you need in order to forgive (minus an apology from your ex)?

5. What did you do?

No one is perfect in any relationship. As much as we all hate to admit it, both parties contribute to a break-up. Were you honest about the hurt that was caused by your ex? Or did you hide and dismiss it? Did you stay in the bad relationship when you should have left? Admit your part and move on.

6. What did you get from the relationship?

You’re probably focusing on the negatives in the relationship, but what were the positives that made the relationship last as long as it did?

7. Write a letter to your ex.

Let your ex know through a letter what was good about the relationship and let them know you forgive them. No need to mail the letter, but this is an excellent chance for you to express your feelings fully.

Now that you’ve taken the step to forgiveness, don’t look back! You’ve freed yourself from the pain that linked you and your ex together by forgiving them. You’re ready to move on from the anger and the bitterness and move to a better, more wonderful life!

• Yoga – Practicing yoga gives you greater flexibility and better muscle tone. It can also offer physical benefits that can add up to a more fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner. Just the fact that yoga helps you reduce some weight can mean a lot of benefits already. You gain back your confidence and energy as it prepares you for a more intense bed scene and that means better orgasms.  It can also help you develop an awareness of the different bodily sensations.

• Other physical exercises – Having a fitness routine makes a difference in your sex life. There are other exercises that enhance sex lives like dance classes which can offer great workouts. Sports like swimming and those that involve kicking motion are beneficial as well.

• Sense of sight – Men love to be stimulated visually. Occasional wearing of kinky outfit or lingerie will surely make you hot. There are some women who might not be comfortable with this but trying to do it once in a while can do no harm. In return, you can also tell your partner to dress in a way that excites and most men don’t mind dressing up too.

• Sense of smell – There is this thing called pheromones, a natural smell produced during sex that your partner can definitely be attracted to so avoid smothering yourself with perfume but always practice good hygiene. Taking a shower is a common practice.

• Sense of hearing – Sounds contribute to great sex. Playing an instrumental or love songs can lead to a passionate sex. Be careful with bedroom talk and choose those that both of you are comfortable with.

• Communication – As with any relationship, communicating with your partner about how to improve your sex life is important. You may ask for some suggestions from other people but this may not work out. It’s about asking and suggesting directly to your partner on your likes and dislikes that you can truly achieve satisfying sex life.

Get Rid of It

Begin the road to emotional recovery by emptying non-essentials from your life. Rid yourself of possessions that hold negative memories, clean out your closets, and throw out items and clothes that remind you of your former spouse.  Most important, free yourself from negative people who do not offer you support during the difficult time of divorce.

Take Care of Yourself

Staying physically fit will help you survive emotionally during and after your divorce. Exercising gets the blood flowing and produces endorphins that will promote a positive attitude.  Deep breathing, meditation, taking vitamins, and getting enough sleep will also assure that your physical health assists in your mental and emotional well being.

Rely on a Network

It is important to build a group of friends and family to support you during this process.  It is helpful to also include counselors, therapists, clergy, and support groups to help you succeed on your path to recovery.  These people will add strength your life, at a time when you need someone to keep you standing strong.

Take it Slow

You have invested so much emotionally in your marriage, and now in your divorce.  Take your time before exploring the dating world and put that emotion into building yourself back up. Consider pursuing a new hobby, taking a class, joining a support group or journaling.  These activities will direct you to new outlets which will help you feel better about yourself and your situation.

The healing process is different for everyone and the time it takes to recover varies. Remember to be patient with yourself and not push too hard to “feel normal” again.  Recovering emotionally doesn’t just mean feeling the way you felt before your divorce.  Sometimes recovery is as simple as picking yourself up and continuing to move on no matter how fast or slow you move.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.  Just because you have suffered through the painful experience of divorce, does not mean your heart does not want to find love again.  It is not unusual to desire a relationship where you can have an emotional connection with another person.  Though this is natural and is to be expected, there are some things that must happen to make sure that finding love after your divorce is fulfilling and right for you.

1. Love Yourself

Make yourself your top priority.  In order to give and receive genuine love, you must first be able to give love to yourself.

2. Be Honest with Yourself

Evaluate your abilities, strengths, and weaknesses in relationships.  Evaluate and know who you are before trying to get to know another person.

3. Do You Like Yourself?

Are you happy with who you are on the inside and out? Do you have self-respect and self-confidence? If the answer is no, how can you expect anyone else to feel this way about you?

4. Let Go

To prepare for a new relationship it is important to deal with any unresolved issues from past relationships. Let go of any hurt feelings, resentment, and anger. Not only those that have to do with your divorce, but also former relationships and those from your childhood.  You do not want to repeat past mistakes made in your relationship history.

5. Ask Why?

Be honest with yourself in asking why you desire a new love in your life.  Distinguish which are good reasons and which are unhealthy.  Do you feel incomplete without a partner?  Do you think that you can’t be happy without romantic love?  If so, it’s time go back to number one!

Keep all of this in mind as you get ready to pursue love and a committed relationship.  Consider that all relationships take work and sacrifice.  Make sure you are willing to put forth this effort, only after you have succeeded in loving and respecting yourself first and foremost.  Only after this, will you be prepared to do the work that makes loving another person successful.

About the Author: Kim Hess lives in San Francisco, CA with her two very wonderful, very energetic boys. She is a writer, entrepreneur, and Divorce Guru whose current mission in life is to help people realize that their lives can be better after their divorce than it was before. She facilitates divorce support groups around the Bay Area and loves corny jokes and stadium mustard. Visit her at www.kimhess.com to contact her for a phone or in person consultation.

Okay, that’s not entirely true, you did see it coming. Some of you saw it coming well before your marriage or relationship ended. Like when he said he was going out with the guys and came home smelling like the latest Britney Spears perfume (because Chanel is just way too classy for the kind of trashy women he cheats on you with, right?). Or how about every time your wife got a phone call she would rush out of the room to talk…to her mother she said. While giggling, playing with her hair and using that sexy voice she used to use on you. Tell mom I said hi.

Some of you didn’t see it coming. You and the ex split up amicably, no hard feelings, “we just grew apart” kind of ending. No harm, no foul. Until “That Person” comes onto the scene.

“That Person” may be the person your ex cheated on you with. “That person” is the newly crowned significant other in your ex’s life. “That Person” is the one now making your ex happy. “That Person” is your worst nightmare.

Any insecurities, doubts, or unanswered questions that you have emotionally worked through, come a knockin’ on the door of your ego. No, not a polite knock as in “Hello, anyone home, this is your grandmotherly next door neighbor and I’ve brought over a freshly baked apple pie for you with lots of cinnamon and sugar on top.” No, this knock can be categorized as the police S.W.A.T. unit in one of those manly action movies. Using one of those big ramming things to break down a door in a dangerous suspect’s home and drag them off to prison. Hate to break it to you, but you my friend are that dangerous suspect. And that big ramming thing won’t stop until it does indeed break down your door…unless you slowly open it and expose yourself to why you resent “That Person.”

Questions will surface including but not limited to: “What does he have that I don’t have?” or “You don’t really have to be that smart to be a doctor…or a member of Mensa do you?” and “He’ll get tired of her once she gets ages in ten years and develops stretch marks and wrinkles…right?”

Let me give you some wisdom that I’ve just learned. “That Person” is no better than you. No smarter, no more attractive, no better in bed. And if they in fact are smarter, cuter, and sexier it doesn’t matter anyway. If it wasn’t “That Person”, there would have been another “That Person.” No two relationships are the same. What your ex has with “That Person” will never replace what you two had. Expect to be jealous, wish your ex happiness, and move on with your life. You’ve got better things to do…like find your own “That Person!”

About the Author: Kim Hess lives in San Francisco, CA with her two very wonderful, very energetic boys. She is a writer, entrepreneur, and Divorce Guru whose current mission in life is to help people realize that their lives can be better after their divorce than it was before. She facilitates divorce support groups around the Bay Area and loves corny jokes and stadium mustard. Visit her at www.kimhess.com to contact her for a phone or in person consultation.

But I digress.  As I was saying, I was watching Suze Orman on public television.  She is a hard core financial guru who helps women (and men) get their financial life together.  My hero.  Anyway, she was yelling at the audience about how they should not put themselves on sale.  You know, charging less than what your services are worth, contributing to your kid’s college fund but not to your retirement, and not asking for the raise you should have gotten back in ‘94.  My hero got me to thinking about putting ourselves for sale.  We do it in our financial lives.  We really do it in our love lives.

You’re probably asking, “But Kim, how do I put myself for sale in my love life?  I don’t charge for my love like a professional escort or hooker.” Let me answer you.  You put yourself for sale by not following your heart, your mind, and whatever else tells you you’re making a mistake in the love department.

You meet a guy, he’s wonderful and you adore him.  He adores you too…when he has time for you.  He calls you when HE’s ready, he takes you out when HE wants to, you have sex when HE’s in the mood.  And what do you do?  You smile and slash the price of your value every time you let him have his way without complaint.  Let me explain something to you.  A relationship takes two.  Two wants, two needs, two people compromising, two people providing.  If you accept just his wants and his needs you have just put yourself on sale.  From a twelve thousand dollar Hermes bag to a $19.99 pleather bag you pick up at Target while stocking up on toilet paper.  Some sale, huh?

Same thing goes for the men out there.  You’ve found a great girl who you devote lots of time, energy, money, and emotion into.  But she doesn’t want to get serious, she wants to date other people.  And you.  And still go to five star restaurants on your dime.  And have you call her everyday to see how she is.  You, my friend, have just put a big fat 50% off sticker on your forehead if you deal with this.

Who buys things on sale? Those who can’t afford the full price. Or people who are cheap. Hold out for someone who thinks you’re worth the full value and is willing to pay for it.  Trust me, you don’t want to “spend” your time and love on someone who’s frugal in the love department.  And definitely not on someone who’s not willing to pay full price for the fantastic person you are! Items that people value and one of kinds (think Mona Lisa) just don’t go on sale. You shouldn’t either.

About the Author: Kim Hess lives in San Francisco, CA with her two very wonderful, very energetic boys.  She is a writer, entrepreneur, and Divorce Guru whose current mission in life is to help people realize that their lives can be better after their divorce than it was before.  She facilitates divorce support groups around the Bay Area and loves corny jokes and stadium mustard.  Visit her at www.kimhess.com to contact her for a phone or in person consultation.