So let’s start with our kids. What are we afraid of them knowing? Why do we dodge their questions, or dance around them? Why don’t we encourage our children to come to us, and be open and honest with them? I have a question for all parents: If you’re not teaching your kids about sex, who is?

My hunch is they are learning from their friends, and who are they? What do they know? What parents need to know is that kids, regardless of how we feel or how we grew up, are faced with sexual social pressure nearly every day of their lives. Studies show that not only are more teens having sex, but they are starting younger.

The reality is if they don’t know something, they believe what their friends tell them. Don’t assume your kids are different unless you really talk to them. I read one study where teenage girls, 13-16 years old, were performing oral sex regularly. Why? They were pressured by the boys they liked, and they felt at least this way you can’t get pregnant.

Is this how you want your children to react? What are we afraid to tell our kids? Sex is nothing to be embarrassed about, or shy about. I’m not in any way suggesting we encourage sexual promiscuity from our children, but by all means, educate them the best you can and if your best falls short, or you still feel uncomfortable, get them to trust their physician. Your family doctor can be there to educate them. Perhaps they’ll even feel less embarrassed than talking with you.

Then we grow older, and what changes? We still learn from our friends and the problem with that is when sexual stories are embellished dramatically. For men, they’ll beat their chest about how long they last in bed, how much they satisfy their woman, how many chicks they’ve been with, and how big their hammer is. For women….well I can’t speak for you, but I can say that you are overwhelmingly more graphic when you talk about sex than men are. I don’t know how much is true or exaggerated, but you are very graphic.

So we try really hard to sexually satisfy our significant other, and we are always wondering if we are. Why are we wondering? Because we don’t know! The reason is because we rarely take the time, or we are just too shy and afraid, to ask our partner what they like and dislike.
I don’t mean turn and ask, “was that good for you?” I mean, ask our partner where they like to be touched, what they like and don’t like. Do you like your hair pulled, like to be spanked, like to talk dirty, or do you prefer to say nothing at all? What positions do you like? How do they make you feel? What’s your fantasy?

These are important conversations to have in order to develop intimacy with your partner. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, than who can you talk about it with? Don’t go bragging to your guy friends, or complaining to your girlfriends. Say it to your partner.

From the time we’re young, sex is a dirty little secret. Even masturbation, although very natural, is frowned upon. You’re told you’re not normal and you’re laughed at. Masturbation is how we experiment with our bodies to understand where and how we like to be touched and yet we’re so afraid of the consequences if we get caught. We never really allow ourselves to learn, therefore, we can never share what we like and don’t like, and then we’re too afraid to tell our partner we’d like to try something new.

Sex is not a dirty little secret, it is sacred, it is special and it should be shared not with the entire world, but with our partners, and by all means, educate your children before their friends do.

So many times people come to me and tell me they’re in a sexless marriage.  This is such a tragedy, because sex is so beautiful when you’re in love.  Most of the time, people don’t understand what happened.  At first the sex was great, and as time goes by, the feelings fade.  So what happened to cause you to be in a sexless marriage?

I just read a really good article on about sexless marriages and it inspired me to share my thoughts.  You can check out the other one here.

Ultimately, reasons vary from relationship to relationship.  But what I’ve found when I talk to couples is they simply aren’t communicating.  Men in particular, think that sex is a right.  And I’m a man.

What I mean is that when men want sex, they tend to do things to spark some emotion from their lady.  They will do household chores they hate, make the bed, cook dinner, buy flowers, etc.  In reality, the only reason they are doing this is for sex.  They expect a reward for doing these things.

Women see right through this.  This actually frustrates them.  They want you to do these things because you love them.  They want you to help them every day.  They want to feel wanted and appreciated by you because you are in love with them, not because you want to get laid.

It’ s not that women don’t want sex.  They just become overwhelmed with life’s tasks.  Today, more women work.  That means they take care of the household chores, care for the children, and go to work to provide financial support for the family.  That’s a lot to take on for one person.

And when they go on vacation, they don’t actually get to ‘vacation’.  They simply move location and continue to be wife, mother, and caregiver.  It’s really no break.

It’s no wonder your wife is ‘too tired’ for sex.  It’s not an excuse.  It’s reality.  And you haven’t done anything yet to make her feel special, to feel an emotional connection worth sharing.

So what went wrong in your sexless marriage?  You were too worried to about getting.  You wanted to get love, get respect, get sex.  You need to focus on giving.  You can have everything in life you want, if you just help enough other people get what they want. (Zig Ziglar).  That includes sex.

Look at what you can do better.  Ask yourself why you love your partner, and then work hard to prove it to them.  Flatter them.  Connect emotionally with them.  Create intimacy.  Ask them questions.  Stop trying to solve all their problems and just let them vent for a while.  Be their shoulder.  Do all the things you did when you were dating.

Focus on what you can do to help your lover.  Make their job easier.  Show them you care.  Prove to them everyday that they are number one in your life.  Don’t do it because you want sex.  Do it because you love them.  Give a little more.

You could just quit this sexless marriage and find someone new.  But that will only last so long before you sink back into old habits, forget to pay attention to them, stop giving, and start expecting.  So to stop your sexless marriage, figure out what YOU can do to change!

Every now and again, you think past to that one love, that person that you wish you could do it all over with. You think about this person until you find the one that can satisfy this void in your heart. You reminisce about all the good times you shared, and think about what you could have done differently during those bad times.

Many stories are similar in nature, although still quite unique. If hindsight is 20-20, then maybe some of us are blind the first time, or second. Sometimes when you are given that second or third chance to make it right, you blow it. You blow it not because you didn’t try, but because you didn’t do. What makes it tough is when you don’t know what it is you were supposed to be doing.

You are not alone in thinking that you give your partner everything. But the truth of the matter is if this discussion ever comes up for you to defend, then you are probably giving them everything except for what they need.

Relationships truly are about satisfying each other’s needs, but it’s important to understand what your partner’s needs are. Relationships can never be about you. They must be about the person you are with. When you can satisfy the needs of your partner, you will have all of the joy and happiness you can handle.

So where do relationships go wrong? Why are you sitting here today, searching for answers of what you can do to make things better? You didn’t give your partner what they wanted. Not all relationships are meant to last. Some of them you chalk up to a learning experience.

These are the tough one’s, though, when you truly love the person who doesn’t want to be with you any longer. It happens to the best of people. You just didn’t know what you were supposed to do. We are a different species, for crying out loud. How are you supposed to know everything your partner wants?

Communication. That’s how. Communicating is very easy to do, and it starts with listening.

I’ll share a story of someone that I let get away, someone that has changed me dramatically, someone that I wonder what life would be like if I were with her today.

She had given me multiple chances, and I just never got it. Through my studies in making successful relationships, I had my Ah-Hah moment, and began to fully understand the things I did that changed her feelings toward me.

I was one of those that thought I was giving her everything. In reality, I gave her nothing. When we had to have “one of those talks”, I was the type of guy that ran. I didn’t want the confrontation, and I didn’t want the blame for all that was wrong. I now realize that all she wanted was her man to stand there, and be the rock of support that she desperately needed.

She did not want solutions. Men often try to give solutions to any question or problem that arises. She wanted support, the feeling of certainty, that I was always going to be there for her. When I ran, she wasn’t able to trust me. How could she trust someone that wouldn’t be there for her during the tough times.

She wanted excitement. I began to stop giving her the excitement she needed. I settled into a routine of work, work, rest. She became bored with me, and for good reason. When she wanted to go out, I would come up with excuses of why we couldn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go out, it was that I was content with spending the evening at home with her. It wasn’t enough. We needed that time out, the dates, to grow our relationship.

Growth is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. You need to be learning new things about each other, share new experiences together, and move forward in all you do. Set goals, and work toward achieving them.

We lost the connection we once had. I barried myself in my work, and let go of what we had. I took for granted that she would always be there. Now, I’m left with what could have been.

We can’t always get back what we lost. Relationships aren’t easy. They take work, and they are ever evolving. Grow with your mate. Be there for them, make them feel significant, support them, love them, and you will find an everlasting joy in your relationship.

For more relationship advice, make sure you check the blog at Relationship Solutions. While you are there, or here at LoveDetour, make sure you leave a comment and let everyone know what you think of the article. Your advice and opinions are critical to help you and the other members who read the advice columns.

Let’s talk about a dog’s life, then. Maybe we are wrong by comparing them to men, if we are trying to make men feel bad. Dogs live a good life, and we have a lot to learn from them.

Dogs:

1. Care Deeply
2. Show affection
3. Run to greet loved one’s
4. Are always up for a joy-ride
5. Thrive on attention
6. Let people get close to them
7. Lie on the grass on a warm day
8. Take shade when it’s sunny
9. Drink water when it’s hot
10. Dance when they’re excited
11. Love a long walk
12. Are Loyal
13. Never pretend to be something they’re not
14. Love fresh air in their face
15. Never bite if a small bark will do

Wow! Is that what the life of a dog is? Maybe we need to learn more from a dog. Next time your spouse comes home, run to greet them, show your excitement to see them, spend time with them, and consider how much you really love and care about them. If they are having a bad day…be a dog….just sit close to them, and listen to them, keeping your silence and showing compassion.

Enjoy your life! Enjoy the simple things it offers, and the company you share it with. If what you want is buried, then be a dog…dig until you find it. If you are a man, the next time you are called a dog, think of whether or not you are really living your life like a dog. If you aren’t, then start! If you are, then smile and say thank you.

Be a dog today, whether you are man or a woman. And thank your furry little buddies for helping you to understand what a great model they are.

And it’s not just men, or just women. We try so hard to impress each other that we really are covering up, or hiding the person we really are. Who are you? Are you the same person you are after 4 months of being with someone? Answer that question honestly.

Or have you changed? My bet is that you’ve found that after 4 months or so, you either think this partner has potential for the long haul, or you’re ready to ditch them before either of you get too attached. Am I right?

Don’t just think about your current relationship. Think of all of your past relationships. You probably wonder sometimes what could have been if you’d just been yourself. Why does this happen?

In our overly aggressive commitment to satisfying our partner and searching for their acceptance, we do everything we can to make them like us. For a man, you may open doors for her, compliment her, and make her feel like number one to you. For a woman, you may show them how significant they are, show appreciation, and have frequent, impromptu, passionate sex with them.

Both sides think this is great. But deep down, you know this is going to stop. They can’t keep being this great. This is when you start really trying to get at who they are. So you push them, trying to get them to open up, trying to crack them, break them, showing them how bad you can be just to see if they will stay, or if they are the kind to turn and run.

It’s a mental test, and you know you’ve given it. The results have come back mixed. Some stay, some go, and ultimately, most waffle. The next thing you know, you’ve been together for 5 years, and you don’t know what else to do.

You have come too far to not make this last forever, yet you still really don’t know each other. It’s fear. Fear of the unknown will change people. Fear is scary. Fear is the number one reason that people marry the wrong person. We fear that we will hurt our partner by telling them we don’t love them. We think that we are being polite when we stay with someone, and we create a false feeling of love that has the potential to destroy our partner Fear can rob you of your happiness.

You’ve destroyed this relationship with this little test. Pushing and pushing, sort of hoping they leave, but desperately wanting them to stay. You ruined each other, and now you have to pay the price. Or do you?

You don’t have to give up, throw in the towel, and live miserably together, or angry apart. You have to work. Most of the problems in your relationship are self made! The problems are between your ears. When you spend too much time focusing on the problems in your relationship, you exhaust the time and effort needed to develop a solution.

So what is stopping you from creating the dynamic relationship you dreamed of? Start over with yourself. That’s where the answer lies. Don’t worry about “my partner isn’t going to change, so why should I.” You can’t change them! You are right. But you can change you, and when you change you, it will make your partner want to change with you. When they are reminded of this wonderful person you are, they will live to satisfy you the way you satisfy them. Focus on your partner. If you are meeting all of their needs, they will do anything to return the favor.

Their is no joy like the joy felt when you are loved! It’s an incredible blend of feelings that can’t be duplicated. Love is a verb. It is an action. Actions take work. Don’t give up on your relationship. Focus on solutions to your problems, not the problems themselves. When you change you first, and meet your partners needs, you will embark on an incredible journey full of joy and love.

How can this be? It seems that no one in their right mind would consider even staying in a relationship after they find out they have been cheated on. If you ask people what they would do, the predominant answer you will get is that they would leave. But that is prior to it actually happening. Of those who have actually been cheated on, most decide to stay in the relationship. They stay because they recognize that there are other problems in the relationship that have caused their partner to stray. They are not meeting the needs of their partner.

Only when you are fully able to understand the needs of your partner are you able to save your relationship from infidelity. The way to fight of infidelity, then, is to understand your partner. To do that, you have to understand some of the basics.

People, in general, have basic needs that need to be fulfilled. When these needs are not being met, they will seek areas for them to be met. In the case of an intimate relationship, this can mean cheating. Once you understand the basic needs, you can use them to help satisfy your partner’s needs, and also dive deeper into what specifically your partner needs to feel satisfied.

Many people enter a relationship wondering what they will get, rather than what they can give. When you enter a relationship wondering what you can give, you will get what you want in return. Zig Ziglar, the great motivational speaker says, “You can have everything in life you want, if you just help enough other people get what they want.” This can be applied to your intimate relationship as well.

When you are able to give you partner what they want, they will work just as hard to make sure that you are happy. They will make you feel like you are the most important person in their life!

The basic needs that need to be satisfied are simple, you just have to understand them to satisfy. Everyone has the need for Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Love and Connection, Growth and Contribution. When you can figure out how to master these needs and apply them to your relationship, you can create the path to bliss, and protect your marriage from infidelity.

Certainty is what you need to make you feel comfortable. What makes you comfortable? What makes your partner comfortable? Most people, for instance, are certain that their children will love them forever, but fear their spouse could leave at any time.

Uncertainty is variety. Variety is the spice of life, right? We need variety and uncertainty to keep us energized and challenged. Without variety, we fall into a routine, a trap of boredom. We need to learn to embrace variety and the uncertain. Many people think they like surprises, but really they only like the surprises they want. They refer to the unwanted surprises as problems!

Significance is how important you feel. We all have a need to feel valued and respected. Many times, couples grow distant because a spouse is spending too much time doing something else, like working. When this happens, it can be because the working spouse feels significance at work, and at home they are not appreciated. Keep this in mind, and make your partner number one!

Love and Connection is something we all strive for. Whether you are single or committed, we seek out love and connection. Often times we have the connection, but we don’t have that love. And when we have the love, it isn’t coming from our partner.

Growth may be one of the most important needs. You have to grow to stay alive. Your relationship is like a plant; if you don’t water it and give it sunlight, it won’t grow. When it doesn’t grow, it dies. You have to strive to grow your relationship. Evolve with your partner and keep the relationship energized and lively.

Contribution is also a very significant need. Evolution has proven that when something doesn’t contribute, it is eliminated. People have the need to contribute and give to others. Accept the contributions and share with your partner what you have to give.

As you can see, many of these needs are very closely related. When you can satisfy at least 3 of these needs with one action, you will become addicted to that action. That addiction will grow with each need you can add.

Once you understand the 6 Human Needs, develop those needs and learn what your partner wants specifically. Ask your partner what elicits emotion and what emotions they feel when you say something, do something, or what name you call them. You will be shocked at what you learn.

Following these tips are essential to success in any relationship, especially an intimate one. When you feel the pure joy and euphoria from a loving partner, you can easily satisfy all 6 of the Human Needs, and you will get addicted to that euphoric feeling!

While recovering from a secret affair isn’t easy, you can live a happy life with your spouse after the trauma. Among the many things that people need to work on after finding out about a secret affair is how to have sex after infidelity.

This question comes up often from a lot of people. They are trying to work things out, but they just don’t feel right having sex after infidelity. There is a lot of work that needs to go into solving this huge problem, but with the right tools, you can have sex after revealing an affair.

Not being able to resolve this issue can be a relationship killer. Both spouses have to understand the severity and sensitivity of the issue, and know that it may be a long time before you are able to be intimate with your partner again.

Often times the victim in the affair feels as though the reason for the affair is that their spouse was no longer sexually attractive to them any longer. This isn’t always the case. In fact, M. Gary Neuman’s study shows that most men who cheat, in fact cheat with someone they believe to be less attractive than their wife.

Another reason that make this difficult is when the victimized spouse feels that it is lack of performance that caused the affair. It is rare when an affair is caused by lack of performance, but in certain circumstances it can be the case.

In the quest for sexual excitement, many people turn to sex books for help. While some books can be good and truly add some excitement, they all focus on the wrong thing. They tell you to change the way you have sex. The true pleasure of sex comes when we are in love with a person, and they are in love with us. With that, you will find total sexual satisfaction. You allow your emotions to take over, and you don’t focus on the physical aspects of sex.

If you have a spouse who loves you, and you combine that love with sex, you will enjoy what many believe to be the ultimate intimate experience; sexual love. This can only be experienced in relationships where the lovers are good friends, know each other’s thoughts, and want to be around each other. Work on being good friends, building trust, and constantly falling in love with your partner and you will experience sexual joy like no other.

One of the hardest things about having sex after an affair is that the victimized spouse is constantly thinking about the cheating spouse and the paramour (illicit lover). They want to know that your attention is on them, not the paramour. You have to be able to communicate to your partner the way you feel, and be able to accept those feelings. There is going to be a strong presence, that while not there in a physical nature, does exist and carries over to the both of you. That presence is the paramour.

An affair will bring about many insecurities, one of them being sexual insecurity. When one or both spouses are sexually insecure, it removes spontaneity from the act, and thus becomes a planned and monotonous, and will lead to boredom and lack of production. When you are finally able to establish intimacy with your partner, there is immense pressure to make up for those insecurities. That is when sex becomes what it never should be, a performance.

When these problems occur, you have to let your partner know that you are constantly comparing yourself to the paramour, and that it is getting in the way of the openness and trust between the two of you. By keeping this communication open, you are able to replace negative feelings with positive one’s, making for a more enjoyable, trusting, and love-able sexual relationship.

It’s also critical not to impose sexual expectations on your partner. It is important to communicate, but to “expect” an orgasm, for instance, is unfair. Dr. Ronnie Edell calls an orgasm “the equivalent of an applause”. It makes the experience feel like a performance, and is sure to lessen sexual pleasure.

An orgasm should never be about, “How did I do?”, or “Now I’m satisfied”. Sex should never be about the orgasm. The orgasm is simply a byproduct of sex. The essence of sex is ‘mutual pleasure’. That is the goal you should be trying to achieve, and focusing on an orgasm, or anything else for that matter, will deprive both of you of the mutual pleasure you should be experiencing.

The essence of sex after infidelity is to re-create the trust you once had, and learn to be more open about your feelings. It is wrong to impose sexual expectations on yourself or your partner. Focus on sex being a free, trusting, emotional experience and you will be having passionate sex with your partner again.

For more information on this topic and many others, pick up a copy of the new E-Book, “Cheating Spouses Revealed”.

Like a fire, your heart can burn, from joy to sorrow, from euphoria to doom. The choice is yours. When you fail to stoke the fire, the flames will die and the heat will cool. You will begin to doubt yourself, your love, your commitment, and your spouse.

It’s natural to feel insecure when the relationship isn’t at its peak. You know what it’s like to feel on top of the world, and when you lose that feeling, you assume your partner is sharing it with someone else. Sharing cloud nine is nothing anyone wants to do. But how do you stop these feelings you’re having?

The doubt fills your mind, your muscles ache, your head pounds and your chest tightens. Where is your spouse? Who are they with? What is my spouse doing?

It doesn’t have to be this way. I’m asked all the time, “How can I prevent an affair?” The answer lies in the question. It’s the power of the law of attraction…the secret. If you ask the question in such a negative way, you’ve already lost confidence in your relationship. You’ve already given up on stoking the fire.

The answer is to identify threats in your relationship, and to ask yourself what you can do to stop the threats from taking over. There can be endless threats to any relationship, but I think some are more important than others.

Manage Selfishness

Some selfishness can be good. But it can become a problem when you force your spouse to do something for you and threaten punishment if they refuse. This can cause a great deal of unhappiness and create animosity between the two of you.

Evaluate whether or not you have caused mental pain to your spouse by being demanding. What kinds of things have you done, and how do you do it?

Respect Your Spouse’s Opinion

Your spouse is entitled to make judgments of his or her own. Your opinion is not superior to anyone’s and should not be communicated as such. Showing a sincere interest in your spouse’s value’s can greatly enhance your relationship.

By listening to your spouse, you can actually learn from each other and enjoy stimulating conversation amongst one another.

Respond verse React

Often times, we find ourselves reacting to situations. Reacting is a negative behavior, which we learn from a young age. We need to train ourselves to respond to behaviors and actions. Responding is a more sensitive and calming way to deal with problems. It harbors healing.

If you come home and disagree with your partner by yelling and screaming, you are reacting to a situation irrationally. If you are able to talk out your problems and communicate your feelings, you are responding, and your partner will value that about you.

Honesty

Being honest is important in every relationship. Dishonesty provides false information, but more importantly, represents false impressions about what you truly feel, think, like and dislike. If you are dishonest, you are not allowing yourself to connect emotionally with your spouse.

There is nothing to be afraid of. You should be able to be honest with your spouse. It’s better to be honest and have a disagreement than to lie about who you are as a person. When your spouse finds out you are lying, it will also create insecurity on their part, and they may never be able to trust you again.

Spousal Bonding

Whenever possible, you should be sharing yourself with your spouse. Whether it’s a trip to the grocery store or a night on the town, you should be spending time with your spouse. Acting independently without consulting your spouse is a sign of disrespect.

It’s not that you need permission or you can’t be trusted, but sharing activities with your spouse shows that you care, and lets them know you would rather be with them than anyone else.

Now there are plenty of more ways to prevent an affair, but as you’ve just read, most have to do with core values in your relationship. You need to trust your spouse, communicate with them, spend time with them, and be honest with them in order to achieve marital bliss. Work on these five habits and your flame will burn eternally.

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Brandon Grittini is the founder of Relationship Solutions, LLC and the author of the popular eBook “Cheating Spouses Revealed”.

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You’ve always had it in you.  You’ve had the vision and the dream, and you’ve even had the tingly feelings and shaky knees that love can bring about.  You’ve had expectations of this thing called ‘love’, but over time, reality doesn’t seem to cooperate.

What brings about this distance between us, this emptiness that wasn’t a part of my plan?  The myriad of questions begin to fill your head.  What happened?  What did I do?  Am I not attractive to you anymore?  Don’t you love me?

Your quest to impress your ‘love’ drives you to change who you are.  Before you know it, your hair is different, your style has morphed, and you push harder and harder to feel accepted by your partner.  You soon find that you haven’t really changed anything but yourself.

Now you really think your partner is cheating.  How could they not pay attention to you?  You may have even found out that they have cheated.  It becomes your mission to find out ‘why’ your partner betrayed you in the most hurtful and humiliating way.

Affairs are painful and humiliating, but you have to understand that if you have been a victim, you are not alone.  Some 50% of marriages have been victimized by affairs.  And if you have a suspicion, you may want to dig deeper.  Of people who think that their partner is cheating, 85% of women and 50% of men are correct!

But is it your fault?  You should never feel like it is, as hard as it may be.  You didn’t do this.  Your partner is the one who committed this awful act.  To help prevent affairs or to recover from them, it’s important to understand why someone would do this.

Remember that people will cheat for different specific reasons, but most of the time, they all cheat for the same general reasons.  These are not ‘excuses’ for cheating; this is the root of the cause.

In my opinion, the number one reason men and women become unfaithful to their partner is because their specific needs aren’t being met with that partner.  In order to prevent affairs or recover from them, you really have to understand what your partner’s needs are.  The only way to do this is through communication.

I know you’ve heard this word, this creature, this belief: communication.  That’s the answer to everything.  You just wish that someone would help you communicate.  It’s easier said than done.  What is positive and meaningful?  Communication is not just talking.  Communication, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is a “technique for expressing ideas effectively”.

Ahh, the effective expression of ideas.  That’s it!  The trick is doing it.  I suggest that you and your partner spend some quality time together discussing what it is each of you expect from yourselves, your relationship, and each other.  You will be amazed at how much conversation this will stimulate, and how much you learn about your partner.

You want to understand what each of your basic needs are.  Start out with your top five needs from your partner.  I’m sure you will find two completely different lists, and that’s okay.  In fact, I would be shocked if you found two similar lists.

In his book, “His Needs Her Needs”, Dr. Wilard Harly studied this very task.  What he found confirmed that men and women expect and need very different things.  Dr. Harly’s common lists looked like this.

Man’s Needs

1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

Woman’s Needs

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty And Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment

These lists actually have nothing in common!  But that’s not a bad thing.  You may be thinking, “if we have nothing in common, how will we ever get along?”  Well, you’ve already taken the necessary step, and that is identifying and understanding what your partner’s needs are.  Many couples never take the time to do this, and it goes unsaid.

When one partner feels his needs aren’t being met, they will seek alternatives to meet these needs.  Men and women are built differently, and we cheat for different reasons.

Reasons Men Cheat

The easiest answer is simply that men cheat for sex.  It is the driving factor for men.  Refer back to the list above and note that men rank sex as their number one need.  The underlying reason men cheat is to escape intimacy in a relationship.  Intimacy relinquishes power and control, neither of which men want to give up.

When a man doesn’t fully commit to his partner, he maintains a sense of power and control in the relationship, and they need to have this in order to feel better about their relationship.  It is their way of protecting themselves from being hurt by not connecting on an emotional level.  You will often hear this referred to as “putting a wall up”.

Now, when a man has an affair, he is able to maintain power and control in both relationships.  He distances himself from his partner by cheating on her, and he can’t get involved emotionally with his lover because he doesn’t have the time to dedicate to her.  It’s a win-win for the male brain.

Reasons Women Cheat

Refer to the list of needs for women.  Note that sex isn’t on that list, so typically women won’t cheat just for sex.  Women tend to start their affairs on an emotional level, which over time can lead to sex.  They want someone who makes them feel important, wanted, appreciated, and secure.  They want someone who cares about them, their values, what they have to say, and and someone with a strong commitment to family.  Notice the parallels of the the list.

When the man, who is struggling to maintain control by putting up that emotional wall, fails to connect with his wife on an intimate level, she begins to fantasize and romanticize about other men.  After tolerating anger and disappointment for so long, a woman finds someone to make them feel secure and important.

As women strive for this connection, they will fantasize about a man who has more money, a better job, and someone they see as very close with their children.  Again, it goes back to that list.  Women want their needs filled, and if their man isn’t doing it, they want someone who will, so they dream about the guy with the high paying job and the dad that coaches the soccer team and plays catch in the yard.

The Quick List

Men: Tend to have more one night stand type of affairs.  This is what allows them to leave the intimacy out and fulfill the need of sexual desire.

Women: Tend to know the person they have an affair with.  This is because they first need to connect on an emotional level with the person.

Men: It tends to not matter if their lover is single or not.  Again, they are typically looking for instant satisfaction.

Women:  Tend to have affairs with other married men!  This is less risky and it maintains secrecy.  If he is also married, he doesn’t want it to get out.  It also lowers the chance of STD’s and bringing something home to the husband.

Men: Don’t have to know their lover prior to having sex with them.

Women: Tend to cheat with someone they know, typically a neighbor or co-worker.

Cheaters cheat for simple reasons, but you have to know what to look for.  If you know what to look for and what causes relationship meltdowns, you can have a long and happy relationship.  Make sure you really understand what it is you hope to get out of your relationship and understand what your partner’s expectations are.  Once you are completely open and understanding with your partner, the two of you can live happily ever after!

Brandon Grittini is the founder of Relationship Solutions and the author of the hit e-book “Cheating Spouses Revealed”. At Relationship Solutions, we strive to discover the root of your relationship struggles and provide solutions and support by helping to develop yourself, your partner, and your relationship.