I agree it is important for a woman to show appreciation to her husband. Being happy and authentic with your partner is a great way to show love. However, science has it’s own role that overrides logical thinking when it comes to sex. Husband and wife team of behavioral scientist David P. Barash and psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton, authors of “The Myth of Monogamy,” believe it is human nature to want to have a variety of lovers and that men choose to discipline themselves by being monogamous to minimize the risk of other sperm fertilizing their wife. In other words, the reason men stay faithful has less to do with feeling loved or appreciated but more about their possessiveness of their wives or financial responsibility for other men’s children.

Based on my experience with my clients, it’s seldom about the wife. One client compared it to breaking his diet. “It’s like fast food, sometimes you are stuck in traffic, your stomach is growling, and you go through the drive-through. The tastes good at the time, and you get a stomachache later. Other times, you go on a binge; eventually you have to get back on track or it affects your health and well being.” Another client said, “My wife is great, our sex is great, there is no reason for me to do this, it’s about me and my own mortality, a mid life crises”. For these men it was a “slip” in personal accountability and commitment to the relationship with their wife. It had nothing to do with love and appreciation.

Even if polygamy is innately natural, where does discipline come in? We are not born potty trained, knowing how to read, write, or drive. We learn to be civilized in order to live comfortably amongst the standards of society or ourselves. I personally like to think we have the gift of compassion. When committed, we consider the feelings of your partner, and choose not to “give in” to being a victim of being unloved, unappreciated, or an animal without self-discipline. Instead, we communicate and use reason to work through the issues to avoid a possible “slip” in character.

Here are a few basic reminders that can help you stay in love, or fall back in love with your partner. Love is a two way street, and communication is key. By following these 7 simple steps, keeping things happy will be much easier.

1. Greetings: in order to keep the love going, it’s important to remember the sweet gesture of a hello, good-bye, goodnight, or just because hug and/or kiss.

2. Compliment each other: it’s important to share positive feelings about each other. Although you may think them, it’s also nice to verbally let the person on the other side hear it.

3. Give thanks: it’s easy to take kind gestures for granted. Remembering to show appreciation as well as simply say “thank you” is important.

4. Gestures of kindness: we do sweet things for birthdays, holidays, or after an argument. However, remembering a “thinking of you”, “good luck with your presentation”, or “enjoy your workout” email, voicemail, or note is a thoughtful way to let the other person know they are on your mind.

5. Rituals: It’s important to create non-sexual rituals. This ritual can be a date night, watching your favorite show together, an evening walk, reading the funnies, whatever it is you share and make a point to do together at least once a week.

6. Daily check in: In the hustle and bustle of our day, it’s important that couples share uninterrupted time with each other, with the purpose being to focus on each other.

7. Calendar: I’ve spoken to so many couples who haven’t had a date in months. They get busy with work, family, kids, travel, etc. If you have a designated weekly calendar appointment, you can schedule time to have date night. I suggest midweek that way you can discuss any potential weekend plans.

I recently saw the film Elegy. Basically, a professor and his student fall in love. He let his fears get in the way of telling her or taking the relationship to the next level. Her love was sweet, innocent, and pure. She enjoyed his company, was excited about the relationship, shared her feelings, and invited him to group gatherings. He was not comfortable with being “public” to their friends and family. She was beautiful, young, and exciting. He was older, divorced, and emotionally not available. When he canceled attending her graduation party, the relationship ended. She was mortified at her party, a time of celebration. He was sick in bed with a broken heart.

In speaking to people about relationships, this scenario is quite common regardless of age differences or profession. It’s all about self worth and why “this great catch” would want this “imperfect human being”. Not only is this self-sabotaging behavior destructive to the relationship, it’s hurtful to both parties and gets in the way of allowing the relationship to flourish. It’s especially unfair to the innocent person on the other side, which has made an emotional investment of their time and energy getting to know someone they believe is available. This warrants thanks and appreciation, not heartache. We’ve all had our hearts broken because the relationship didn’t work. However, having things not work because someone sabotaged it is more disappointing than it ending over irreconcilable differences, non-negotiable goals, or you’ve outgrown each other. I see it as a form of self inflicted infidelity. You subconsciously decide to cheat yourself out of love and happiness.

Instead of blemishing a relationship you ENJOY with someone you connect with, give it a chance. Stop judging yourself, your past, your future, and start embracing the connection you share. Pay attention to your actions; make sure they are consistent with your words and feelings. Communicate what you are thinking with your partner. Let them in on your thought process and get their feedback. Remember, you don’t have to be the general manager of your relationship. It is about building a team. Your partner may have valuable insight to help you understand things from a different perspective.

Dr. Pat Allen, the author of Getting To I Do, often says, “normal people go for the better deal, and neurotic people go for the bigger lesson”. In the case of this film, the better deal was enjoying the moment and embracing the love they shared. He chose the bigger lesson, sabotaging the relationship and hurting himself and the woman he loved.

You are single, and curious to meet someone new. You browse through the personals online or profiles on a dating website. You like what they have to say and want to respond. What do you do now? What is the best way to respond? How is your response going to differ from the other people responding?

I know this seems like a fairly easy thing to do, you hit the reply button and write a note. For some reason, the Internet “comfort zone” has gotten so relaxed that people are often responding without any thought to the person on the receiving end. A positive attitude, compliments, manners, grammar, salutations, effort, and a little thought go a long way.

Please do not simply write one line, only ask for a picture, send a risky photo, mention your ex-wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or negative online experience. For example, ”I hope you are as cute as your profile, and the age you posted. I’ve had bad experiences and am not interested in women who are overweight or over the age of x.” Hello! Your previous experiences have nothing to do with this person. What about that is supposed to entice anyone to be interested in dating you?

There are obvious risks and some misrepresentation. However, for the most part, people are honest, look like their photos, and have their profiles posted because they want to make a connection off line.

Please do put your best foot forward, read the profile a second time, and pick a few things that make this person interesting to you. Actually responding to what someone has written makes a much better impression than “I like your profile” and then posting a form letter about yourself. The less you say in your profile, the more you need to say in your note. So if you don’t state your profession, mention it. If you don’t have a photo posted, mention it…remember a profile paints a picture for the person reading it. If your canvas is blank, fill it in. The same is true for responding to personal ad. If the person doesn’t have a picture posted, please don’t simply ask for a photo and nothing else. Send a thoughtful response and then THE LAST LINE say “When you are comfortable, I’d love to see your photo.” I know that a picture tells a story, and we do get a feel for people based on their photos. However, not posting a photo doesn’t mean someone will not be a good partner or that they are not attractive. There are plenty of people who are simply “shy” or private. Taking a few minutes to really read their profile, and respond to the written content separates you from the people who are just sending form notes, one liners, or asking for photographs. “Hi (screen name) I really enjoyed reading your profile, and you are very attractive. I like the photo of you at the beach. Where was that taken? I appreciate that are an animal lover. I grew up with a German Sheppard until I was in college. I look forward to having another dog once my remodeling project ends. I see you recently moved to town, I’d love to show you some of my favorite spots. We both share a love for Italian food, the outdoors, and foreign films. I am a corporate attorney and prefer to keep my personal life private, and chosen not to post a photo. I hope you can be patient with me until we speak and have determined mutual interest in meeting. I am 5’10”, 165 pounds, with blonde hair, and blue eyes. I look forward to learning more about you and hopefully meeting. Sincerely, Bob”

I hope that helps and wish you all the best of luck in love!

You are single and have decided to take the plunge and post an online profile or personal ad. In order to get the best representation of you, I highly recommend getting organized and making lists.

What is it that makes you happy? What makes you laugh? What ignites the glow in you? Your surface life is like the skin of an onion. It’s thin, and once you meet someone you like and are comfortable with, hopefully, it starts to peel away. So, let’s peel the onion ahead of time to attract people to the truest form of you. Most people like walks on the beach. So, let’s take it to the next level. What about walking on the beach do you like? Is it the sound of the waves? …Sand between your toes? …Being away from the city? …The opportunity that an infinite body of water represents? Does the distance from the city allow you to clear your head? You get my point! Then most people like movies. Do you prefer the big screen or enjoying the DVD in the comfort of your own home? Do you prefer comedy? Drama? Foreign films? The more you list, the more onion peeling you can do.

Think about the compliments your friends have told you multiple times in your life. Think about the character traits you adore in your friends. Again, make lists! Once you have lists upon lists, go through and pick out the ones that really “get” you.

Now, the doozy…think about your past relationships. What about your x-partners initially attracted you, what kept you in the relationship, and what eventually was the real reason for the end. Once you have it all down on paper, you can see, what really matters.

This exercise is extremely therapeutic. It also helps you to organize our priorities, and heal some of the wounds. This “work” allows you the space to come across as centered and actually feel clearer about your intentions to manifest what you truly desire.

Now that you are clear, you can let it flow into sentences. Once you have it all written out, read it out loud. Does it paint a picture of your truest self and desires? If not, then take a break and come back to it tomorrow. Once it’s a good representation of you and your desires…. share it with a friend or two. Get their feedback. Don’t take what they say personally. Simply, hear them out. You have every right to not follow any of their suggestions. Simply, listen.

Now that you’ve worked this out, place it on the Internet site of your choice and see what happens…. My next article will continue with the online dating journey… responding to ads and getting from email to in person dates!

Cheers to your romance!

NOT meeting for dinner may be the very reason they are not establishing a strong enough connection to having second dates.

There’s something romantic and special about the dance. People who are serious enjoy putting energy and excitement into getting ready for the “hopefully” last first date. Within my group of friends, all of the happily dating or married had their first date over dinner. Personally, I’ve never had a coffee date or a drink date turn into a relationship. I think the “just a drink” changes the level of enthusiasm, anticipation, or romance. This “safety net” defuses the affirmation that this is going to be great. Our minds are very powerful. However, it’s very hard to convince yourself that coffee will lead to happily ever after. Others believe that it’s a screen, and if drinks go well there’s flexibility in it moving into dinner. If you think this, there is already an escape clause (negative energy!) to the upcoming opportunity to be excited to meet a new person. It’s unfortunate that many people don’t value courtship the way many happily dating/engaged/married men and women do.

As far as the financial investment in doing dinner, over drinks…well, everyone knows “there’s no such thing as a free meal”. For me, this comes down to chivalry verses dollars and cents.

Women appreciate men who are smart, funny, carry conversations, and take action in life and do nice things to make us feel special. It’s not easy to feel special about stopping by Starbucks on your way home from the gym.

If you want to break it down to dollars and cents, women actually spend more. Being a “together” woman a lot more expensive then picking up the dinner tab. Getting our hair done, facials, make-up, bra’s, lingerie, wardrobe, manicures, pedicures, variety of shoes, jewelry, etc, are not cheap. We do this for ourselves. However, the men in our presence benefit from it. Women are more emotional then visual and need to feel comfortable and often it takes time for us to warm up to someone. Just offering drinks is like showing up not “completely” ready.

Men are more visual. Therefore, it might be unsettling if a woman showed up in gym clothes, with chipped nails, wet hair, and slippers. We all have those moments. However, most women make the effort to finish getting ready and truly enjoy going the extra mile to look good for the date. The breaking bread is typically when the nerves have settled and things get more comfortable. For the women who think drinks are safer, they may be missing the time it takes to get comfortable with a new person.

For many people drink dates are cold, uncomfortable, and not conducive to any real connecting. Breaking bread has always been a form of intimacy and celebration. Hence, we gather with loved ones for the holidays over meals not drinks. Airports are not swamped with students traveling home in November to spend Thanksgiving “drinks” with loved ones. If you are serious about finding a potential partner/loved one, invest the time in breaking the bread. Everything happens for reason, and you never know how a blind date will turn out. It’s a risk for both parties. However, you can’t succeed if you don’t take a chance.

The reality is that we all, men and women, eat regardless of with a date or without. The man who is blessed with a woman, who appreciates his chivalry and respects his method of courtship, are much happier than the ones eating alone complaining about the price of dinner dates or the ones too scared to risk sharing a meal with a new person.

PS: If people misrepresent themselves significantly, politely excuse yourself!