This article is the third in a series of Relationship Basics and addresses what it takes to have an extraordinary relationship. Once again, this is great information to know whether you are single or already in a relationship. For those of you currently single, you may have been for quite awhile, or you may be newly single (i.e. on the rebound). For those of you currently in a relationship, you may already have what you consider to be wonderful or you may have anything but. Regardless of which of these categories you fall into, what it takes to have an extraordinary relationship can be summarized in one word… basics.

In my first two articles (What Drives Us and Authenticity), I alluded to the choices we make and behaviors and emotions that we actually choose. Right about now, a common response might be, “Emotions that I choose?” I can even see the squinting eyes and cringing face. Yes. Allow me to share with you the Relationship Basic of Cause and Effect. The really simple explanation here is that being “at cause” is a place where you are creating, you own, you are an amazing man or woman… men, you are amazing men and women you are the amazing women. Don’t laugh too hard. The Relationship basic in that last sentence is my next article on Balance. When you are at the effect, you are not creating. As a matter of fact, you are simply living at the will of your environment. You are waiting for things to happen and in doing so you don’t own one bit of your actions. As a matter of fact, you are cheating yourself, maybe your friends and family and the rest of the world of enjoying that amazing man or woman that you truly are at your core.

Here’s an interesting statistic… less than 3% of the population lives their lives at cause. WOW! So, here’s my question to you. Which group do you choose to be in? (There’s that word choose again.) The interesting fact is that such a large section of the population chooses in-action rather than action, and the result ends up being exactly what they don’t want. Let’s discuss a scenario that you may recognize. You may even intimately recognize this scenario. Here’s what I know about people in relationships that were amazing at the start (so they said) and somewhere as the calendar pages turned, something happened. Somewhere early in the relationship, one person was likely completely smitten with the other (or at minimum they really, really, really liked the other.) As a matter of fact, if you think back to that time… see things that used to be seen, hear things that used to be said and feel some of those feelings that used to be felt… I bet we would see that both parties used to do some things that were very much “at cause.” I bet they spent a little more time and attention to making themselves more attractive, they used to walk a little more upright and with a little more strut. One would even say they used to have an essence about them that some would say that they were lit up like a Christmas tree. Now, when they used to be “at cause” in those little things, I bet that both parties used to see much better response from the other. Here’s what I am willing to bet… little or none of that is the case now… nor has been for awhile. Go a step further. If they continue their current patterns (behaviors), knowing what I just shared about being at cause, what kind of results do you think they will see from the other? That’s right. Exactly what they are focusing on (also in my first article), exactly what they don’t want. So, while it would be real easy to point fingers at the other party, I’d rather challenge everyone to create (and in some cases re-create) the magic that we all deserve… and when now would be a great time to do that?

This having been said, here’s a simple fact. Those who choose to remain at the effect end up stuck. I would bet that both people in the example above are 2 pretty good people. At this point, I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with another great author and speaker, Emerson Eggerichs. From his work, you would, as clear as day, see that couples today easily get stuck on the “Crazy Cycle.” And until one person is “at cause” and is committed to stepping off the crazy cycle, BOTH stay right there. Note that I said until ONE is committed. This is what I mean by being at cause to create what it is that one truly desires. Sometimes, the behaviors of the other person can seem really egregious or inappropriate. However, it is during such times that we are reminded that we too must be part of the solution as it takes two to tango. Now, let’s fast forward. Imagine the great relationship you can create in your life by living your life at cause.

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose how we behave and how we show up. And we choose how we present ourselves. The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things about living your life at cause and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

In this article, we will address “authenticity.” One of the most common factors that challenge relationships is facades. In this case, I refer to the masks people wear (figuratively) and the walls they put up while in a relationship. Please note that these descriptions (facades, masks, walls) are all plural. For those of you that remember the great analogy from Shrek, think of an onion. It’s like peeling back the layers. Imagine how many layers you might have to peel back to get to the core. Do you know someone who does or has done this? Do you know someone VERY intimately that does this or has done this? Would you like to know why? Once again, it’s F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). More than 90% of the population is driven by their fears and will do anything to avoid the perceived pain associated with those fears… and in this case, will build walls and put on masks that ultimately hide who they are at their core. Let’s take this a step further. We build these walls and put on masks to protect ourselves from what we don’t want… and guess what. By its inherent nature, we end up with exactly that… what we don’t want.

Once again, I can reference “The Secret” (Law of Attraction) as there is clearly proof related to this in these situations. However, I would challenge you to consider the reference above on what it takes to get to the core (of the onion). For purpose of example and to move you to create the relationship you desire, let’s make this about something we can control… ourselves. Consider your core. Consider who you are. Consider your truth. Get clear on what this looks like, what it sounds like and what feels like. This is your authenticity… who you are at your core when all the layers are peeled back.

Let’s take our authenticity a step further. This is your greatness. At your core, when you are most authentic, when you honor your truth, imagine what you can attract, what you have attracted and what you can create. I do realize that there are many that don’t necessarily have a great view of themselves. That said, I am going to recommend a fun show on TLC called “What Not To Wear”. While the show commonly highlights the ladies, its underlying message is also great for the men. On this show, you will see the layers peeled back… layers that have been comfortable yet no longer serve them. After all the giggles and all the challenges, an authentic amazing individual surfaces. So set your DVR’s to record each episode for a month and you will get the gist. Use this as an opportunity to embrace your greatness… your truth.

Throughout this article, I have eluded to “the truth.” Without going on a rant about integrity, again, I would challenge you to see how honoring your truth will serve you. The truth will set you free. How many of you have heard that it takes multiple lies to cover up each lie? Allow me to introduce you to Gary King. Gary’s mantra is, “There is no such thing as an inconsequential lie.” To bring this full circle, imagine living your truth. Imagine acknowledging and embracing your greatness. And imagine the great relationship you can create in your life by living in your authenticity.

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose how we behave and how we show up. And we choose how we present ourselves. At the same time, many would contest the word “choose.” The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things about living in your authenticity and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

This article is the second in a series by the author that maps the creation of an extraordinary relationship. Again, you may be in one of a number of situations regarding relationships. For those who have a pretty clear view of what isn’t working, these basics will address your concerns as well. You are invited back to continue this journey towards the relationship you truly desire.

What does it take to have an extraordinary relationship? Consider the following. For those of you currently single, right now, you may be single and have been for quite awhile, or you may be relatively newly single (i.e. on the rebound), or you may be single and have no desire to be in a long term committed relationship. For those of you currently in a relationship, you may already have what you consider to be an extraordinary relationship, or you may be in a “good” relationship, or while you may be in a relationship you may be planning your escape. Regardless of which of these categories you fall into, the answer to the question posed to open this article is the same… basics.

Basics? That’s probably getting a few good laughs right now as you consider the person you are currently with or some of those you have been with in the past. For those of you laughing and for those of you that may be confused, you are about to learn something… it’s all B.S. It’s all about Belief Systems. Simply put, these are all those wonderful things you believe about the topic of relationships… also known as your rules. Here’s some cliché “rules” – Men can’t be trusted. Women can’t be trusted. Men are such slobs. Women are so picky. Men only have one thing on their minds. Women are so needy. Can you imagine what kind of relationships one might be having if they had beliefs like these? Here’s the amazing part though. The same people have great achievements and accomplishments they have celebrated in their lives. Here’s what we know about people who achieve. They go after what they want and they do it regardless of the rules. Can you remember a time in your life when you loved breaking the rules? Wouldn’t now be a great time to do that again? Do you have any idea what this B.S. may be costing you or someone you care about (emotionally, physically, even financially)?

Back to basics… the first rule to creating an extraordinary relationship is to let go of all the rules. Everyone reading this article has developed their own B.S. based on their previous experiences or the experiences of others, in particular the experiences they don’t want to have going forward. Do you know what that is? It’s F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). More than 90% of the population is driven by their fears and will do anything to avoid the perceived pain associated with those fears… including developing some great B.S. that keeps them from having an extraordinary relationship. Think of it this way. A plant either grows or… dies. Your car when moving either goes forward or… backwards. So, when you are so focused on your fears, you are not focusing on… what you really want.

Are you familiar with a movie that came out a few years ago on DVD called “The Secret”? The premise of the movie was the “Law of Attraction” and its role in our lives. While much of the movie explored financial and materialistic elements, the same holds even more true on an emotional level. If you focus on the pain in a relationship, you will see and experience what? That’s right. Pain. Focus on a wonderful relationship and what are you likely to experience? That’s right. Joy. Passion. Love. Test this with your own life experiences. Maybe you had a heart-throb in your teens or 20’s. During the first month, it was amazing, outrageous, fun, playful, exciting, sexy, loving, sensual and simply awesome. Then maybe 6 months or a year past and everything was anything but all those amazing thoughts. What really changed? There is little doubt that your focus changed from what you really loved to what you really did not love. That said, if you are not quite getting what you want, when now would be a great time to change your focus?

Another powerful basic is what we communicate. Consider the words that come out of your mouth (or words that you type on a keyboard or write on paper)? Think back to the example above. What words did you commonly use during that first month? He’s so… She’s so… Fast forward 6 or 12 months. What words did you find more common? He’s so… She’s so… This is simply another derivation of what you focus on. Ever have a friend say, “careful what you wish for?” These are all things we communicate. So, if you know your words (verbal, in print or in thought) would benefit from a more positive shift, when now would be a great time to change?

One more element under basics is you physically. Once again, let’s revisit the example above. During the first month, how did you carry yourself? Did you sway or have a swagger? Did you put a little extra effort into your appearance and make a great first impression when you walked into a room? Did you walk upright and with confidence? Did you eat healthier? Did you feel more alive and well rested after a night’s sleep? Now, let’s move to 6 or 12 months later. Did all of these things magically shift? Instead of a swagger, did it seem more like a schlep? Was getting ready to go out now 5 minutes of whatever, with mirror optional? Was your gait now more slumped over and did you seem to lack confidence? As for eating, does anything go? And as for sleeping, what sleeping? A good night’s rest was rare. These are all example that our physical being mirrors our outcomes. Knowing this, if physically everything is not where you believe they should be, again, when now would be a great time to change?

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose the words (and the tonality) of what we communicate. And we choose how to physically present ourselves. At the same time, many would contest the word “choose.” The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things that drive you and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

This article is the first in a series by the author that maps the creation of an extraordinary relationship. Again, you may be in one of a number of situations regarding relationships. For those who have a pretty clear view of what isn’t working, these basics will address your concerns as well. You are invited back to continue this journey towards the relationship you truly desire.