I recently saw the film Elegy. Basically, a professor and his student fall in love. He let his fears get in the way of telling her or taking the relationship to the next level. Her love was sweet, innocent, and pure. She enjoyed his company, was excited about the relationship, shared her feelings, and invited him to group gatherings. He was not comfortable with being “public” to their friends and family. She was beautiful, young, and exciting. He was older, divorced, and emotionally not available. When he canceled attending her graduation party, the relationship ended. She was mortified at her party, a time of celebration. He was sick in bed with a broken heart.
In speaking to people about relationships, this scenario is quite common regardless of age differences or profession. It’s all about self worth and why “this great catch” would want this “imperfect human being”. Not only is this self-sabotaging behavior destructive to the relationship, it’s hurtful to both parties and gets in the way of allowing the relationship to flourish. It’s especially unfair to the innocent person on the other side, which has made an emotional investment of their time and energy getting to know someone they believe is available. This warrants thanks and appreciation, not heartache. We’ve all had our hearts broken because the relationship didn’t work. However, having things not work because someone sabotaged it is more disappointing than it ending over irreconcilable differences, non-negotiable goals, or you’ve outgrown each other. I see it as a form of self inflicted infidelity. You subconsciously decide to cheat yourself out of love and happiness.
Instead of blemishing a relationship you ENJOY with someone you connect with, give it a chance. Stop judging yourself, your past, your future, and start embracing the connection you share. Pay attention to your actions; make sure they are consistent with your words and feelings. Communicate what you are thinking with your partner. Let them in on your thought process and get their feedback. Remember, you don’t have to be the general manager of your relationship. It is about building a team. Your partner may have valuable insight to help you understand things from a different perspective.
Dr. Pat Allen, the author of Getting To I Do, often says, “normal people go for the better deal, and neurotic people go for the bigger lesson”. In the case of this film, the better deal was enjoying the moment and embracing the love they shared. He chose the bigger lesson, sabotaging the relationship and hurting himself and the woman he loved.
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It’s hard to believe that the majority of people in society can manage a relationship at some time in their life, knowing how much inner turmoil most people face. The past is the past, and today is a new day, and you can create a new person and a new world for yourself each and every day. You cannot love another until you love yourself!
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