I recently had a conversation with a gentleman who refuses to meet for dinner for a first date. He believes that based on the number of first dates he has; it’s too expensive. I have also spoken with women who will only go on coffee dates, out of fear of being stuck with people they don’t like or who misrepresent themselves.

NOT meeting for dinner may be the very reason they are not establishing a strong enough connection to having second dates.

There’s something romantic and special about the dance. People who are serious enjoy putting energy and excitement into getting ready for the “hopefully” last first date. Within my group of friends, all of the happily dating or married had their first date over dinner. Personally, I’ve never had a coffee date or a drink date turn into a relationship. I think the “just a drink” changes the level of enthusiasm, anticipation, or romance. This “safety net” defuses the affirmation that this is going to be great. Our minds are very powerful. However, it’s very hard to convince yourself that coffee will lead to happily ever after. Others believe that it’s a screen, and if drinks go well there’s flexibility in it moving into dinner. If you think this, there is already an escape clause (negative energy!) to the upcoming opportunity to be excited to meet a new person. It’s unfortunate that many people don’t value courtship the way many happily dating/engaged/married men and women do.

As far as the financial investment in doing dinner, over drinks…well, everyone knows “there’s no such thing as a free meal”. For me, this comes down to chivalry verses dollars and cents.

Women appreciate men who are smart, funny, carry conversations, and take action in life and do nice things to make us feel special. It’s not easy to feel special about stopping by Starbucks on your way home from the gym.

If you want to break it down to dollars and cents, women actually spend more. Being a “together” woman a lot more expensive then picking up the dinner tab. Getting our hair done, facials, make-up, bra’s, lingerie, wardrobe, manicures, pedicures, variety of shoes, jewelry, etc, are not cheap. We do this for ourselves. However, the men in our presence benefit from it. Women are more emotional then visual and need to feel comfortable and often it takes time for us to warm up to someone. Just offering drinks is like showing up not “completely” ready.

Men are more visual. Therefore, it might be unsettling if a woman showed up in gym clothes, with chipped nails, wet hair, and slippers. We all have those moments. However, most women make the effort to finish getting ready and truly enjoy going the extra mile to look good for the date. The breaking bread is typically when the nerves have settled and things get more comfortable. For the women who think drinks are safer, they may be missing the time it takes to get comfortable with a new person.

For many people drink dates are cold, uncomfortable, and not conducive to any real connecting. Breaking bread has always been a form of intimacy and celebration. Hence, we gather with loved ones for the holidays over meals not drinks. Airports are not swamped with students traveling home in November to spend Thanksgiving “drinks” with loved ones. If you are serious about finding a potential partner/loved one, invest the time in breaking the bread. Everything happens for reason, and you never know how a blind date will turn out. It’s a risk for both parties. However, you can’t succeed if you don’t take a chance.

The reality is that we all, men and women, eat regardless of with a date or without. The man who is blessed with a woman, who appreciates his chivalry and respects his method of courtship, are much happier than the ones eating alone complaining about the price of dinner dates or the ones too scared to risk sharing a meal with a new person.

PS: If people misrepresent themselves significantly, politely excuse yourself!

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