There is a new book out “The Truth About Cheating”. The author, M. Gary Neuman, was a guest on the Oprah show. In his book, based on his research he concludes that the main reason men cheat is because they feel unappreciated and unloved by their wives. If a man isn’t feeling appreciated or loved by his partner before he cheats, I have a feeling he won’t feel more loved after she finds out. It’s contradictory to creating the necessary results.
I agree it is important for a woman to show appreciation to her husband. Being happy and authentic with your partner is a great way to show love. However, science has it’s own role that overrides logical thinking when it comes to sex. Husband and wife team of behavioral scientist David P. Barash and psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton, authors of “The Myth of Monogamy,” believe it is human nature to want to have a variety of lovers and that men choose to discipline themselves by being monogamous to minimize the risk of other sperm fertilizing their wife. In other words, the reason men stay faithful has less to do with feeling loved or appreciated but more about their possessiveness of their wives or financial responsibility for other men’s children.
Based on my experience with my clients, it’s seldom about the wife. One client compared it to breaking his diet. “It’s like fast food, sometimes you are stuck in traffic, your stomach is growling, and you go through the drive-through. The tastes good at the time, and you get a stomachache later. Other times, you go on a binge; eventually you have to get back on track or it affects your health and well being.” Another client said, “My wife is great, our sex is great, there is no reason for me to do this, it’s about me and my own mortality, a mid life crises”. For these men it was a “slip” in personal accountability and commitment to the relationship with their wife. It had nothing to do with love and appreciation.
Even if polygamy is innately natural, where does discipline come in? We are not born potty trained, knowing how to read, write, or drive. We learn to be civilized in order to live comfortably amongst the standards of society or ourselves. I personally like to think we have the gift of compassion. When committed, we consider the feelings of your partner, and choose not to “give in” to being a victim of being unloved, unappreciated, or an animal without self-discipline. Instead, we communicate and use reason to work through the issues to avoid a possible “slip” in character.
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I love the fast food analogy. It’s ridiculous to blame the woman for the man’s indiscretion….and the flip side is equally wrong.
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