How do you define great sex?

Do you like it hot and sweaty? Slow and easy? Would you rather have a quickie or a lingering session? Or maybe some of everything, depending on your mood?

No “right measure” of sexual quality exists, although I’d argue that an essential element is that both partners freely consent to participate. Beyond that, the only thing that counts is whether you feel good about the experience during and after the encounter. No guilt, no regrets, no worries.

One way to ensure that both you and your partner enjoy the quality of your sexual activity is to agree on what you expect from it. If you enjoy anonymous sex with no strings attached and your partner hopes that a great sexual encounter implies the start of a relationship, you’re using very different yardsticks to measure quality.

Sex can have many benefits, one of which can be sweaty fun. Other benefits can include increased intimacy, relaxation, increased self-esteem or energy, connection between partners, exercise, and spiritual connection. I don’t list orgasm because in the scheme of what makes partnered sex great, a climax is akin to a cool drink at the end of an exhilarating run. It’s refreshing, but if a drink of water is all you need, there are more efficient ways to get it.

If you define great partnered sex by its overall pleasure potential, you will enjoy more creative, emotionally satisfying encounters than you would if you focus on orgasm. Think about what gives you sensuous pleasure, and share your insights with your partner. Some things to consider include:

· Before you get involved, discuss with your potential partner what your expectations are. If you’d like your partner to spend the night, say so; if you want to wake up by yourself, be honest about the limits of your connection.

· Define pleasure as behaviors that feel good and create intimacy rather than actions that result in orgasm. A romantic dinner can be an incredibly sensual experience, as can be reading an erotic novel aloud to your partner.

· Discuss your pleasure boundaries. While it can be exciting to explore new positions, activities and toys, neither partner should feel coerced at any time.

· Instead of your typical routine, focus intently on the sensual possibilities of stroking hands, feet and hair; kissing; massage; petting; body rubbing; or bathing together. How else might you enjoy giving or receiving pleasure?

· Protect yourself emotionally. Consider the positive aspects of sexuality such as feelings of attraction, love, confidence, and self-worth. Don’t hop in the sack with someone who won’t inspire those feelings.

· Protect yourself physically. If you’re with an opposite-gender partner, discuss contraception. With any partner, use condoms or dental dams to protect against sexually transmitted infections.

Next up: The Mysteries of Female Orgasm

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