1. Thou shalt never bail on thy girls to hang out with a guy, unless he is a biological or adopted relative (son, nephew, grandson) and preferably under 18.

2. Thou shalt remember that thy friends’ exes/parents/siblings are OFF-LIMITS.

3. If thou hast an affair with thy friend’s spouse or child, thou shouldst enter the Witness Protection Program or thy country’s equivalent ASAP. 4. Thou shalt never tell thy girlfriend that she looks terrible, but thou mayst suggest an alternative, even to lending clothes from thy own closet.

5. Thou shalt fix necklace clasps, tags sticking out, and loose threads with impunity.

6. Thou shalt make thyself available on the phone or in person for an appropriate duration of time after thy friend has a crisis (fired from job, breakup, loss of loved one). Thou mayst set boundaries/suggest professional help after said appropriate duration hath passed.

7. Thou shalt bring any or all of the following medications to thy friend during said crisis: takeaway food, chocolate in any form, ice cream (the best flavor available in thy area), any salty snack food that crunches (bonus points for dip), alcohol (Caveat: If thy friend is a recovering alcoholic or otherwise a teetotaler, thou must substitute energy drinks), soda (diet is preferred as it cancels the calories from the snacks, sweets and takeaway).

8. Thou mayst dissect any of the following topics to exhaustion: the cute antics or bad behavior of thy pets or children, thy spouse or significant other’s bad behavior, thy friend’s spouse or significant other’s bad behavior, thy boss’s lack of appreciation for you, thy latest conversation with thy mother or therapist, thy latest diet or workout program.

9. Thou must trash-talk thy friends’ (parasitical, dishonest, selfish, rude) exes, even if the ex is thy classmate/next-door neighbor/sibling. If the ex is thy parent/boss, thou must listen but thou hast the option of not participating in the trash-talking.

10. Thou must trash-talk thy friends’ exes’ new significant others. (That was a mouthful!)

11. Thou shalt listen to thy girlfriends kvetch about their problems, but thou shalt not take umbrage when they do not takest thy (wise, profound, brilliant) advice.

12. Thou shalt say, “I told you so,” to thy friend only if thy friendship is solid and long-standing. This applies seventy times seven times for thy BFF.

13. Thou shalt pretend an interest in celebrity news/reality TV/chick lit even if thou lackst it. If thou canst not pretend, thou shalt at least refrain from rolling thy eyes.

14. Thou shalt never turn down an invitation to go shopping, even if thou hatest shopping!

15. Though any setting is acceptable, the following environs are best for interacting with thy girls: lunch or dinner out, coffee (preferably at a bookstore with soft chairs), yoga or Pilates class, Stitch and Bitch, takeaway and chick flicks at home.

16. When out dancing with thy girls, thou must be prepared to act as wingwoman or mother hen if necessary.

17. Thou must adopt at least one gay male. If thou hast none, thou must find one. Volunteering at arts festivals or going to Gay Pride marches are excellent ways to find these beautiful creatures.

About the Author – Meghan K. Donovan is a creative spirit moonlighting as an office manager and freelance writer. She lives in Cleveland, Ohio with her two almost-human cats. She believes in God and in the power of chocolate to heal most ills. She digs guys as committed to peace, social justice, and spirituality as she is.

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