Summary:
So you’re in the doghouse because you took her out to KFC for V-Day? If you want a chance at showing her you’re worthy, do as many of these five things as you can.
by Al Natanagara
What Were You Thinking?
Did you listen to your friend who annually proclaims “Valentines Day was made up by greeting card companies,” as a way to hide the pain of being single? Did you give her a Whitman’s Sampler instead of the Godivas? For God’s sake, man, did you take her out for a romantic dinner at the sports pub and not even sit near the screen that was showing pairs figure skating??!!??
Well, you blew it, and it’s going to take some hard work to get your sorry butt out of the doghouse. Roll up your sleeves, put on a pot of strong coffee, and let’s get cracking. This is a list of five suggestions–do not choose just one. In fact, the more you do, the better your chances of salvaging your relationship.
5. One-up the Smarter Guys
The dudes who did right by their women on V-Day got them good chocolates, a bouquet of flowers that they had arranged ahead of time, and they took them out to a restaurant whose Zagat’s review does not include the phrase “discount pitchers.” The ones who got the bonus points (redeemable for NC-17 late-night extras) arranged a romantic surprise. Find the best restaurant, the best roses, important French chocolates, and surprise her with something–like a pink Ferrari, because it’s going to take something of that magnitude to make up for your stupidity.
4. Make it About Her
Even though it was your mistake to get flowers from the Circle K, stop beating yourself up about it; that just puts all the attention on you, when it should be on the victim of your romantic ineptitude. Be attentive to what she wants. If that turns out to be space, give it to her, damn you. And pray.
3. Sexual Healing
Two words: Foreplay. Sorry, was that one? Here’s another one: foreplay. If she allows you back in the bedroom, you’d best bring your A game. If your best game is video golf, you might need a little help. How about some Levitra? The spokesman is Ditka. You trust Ditka.
2. Take Her Seriously
Her reaction to the Valentine’s card with Homer peeing with the seat up should be taken as a wakeup call. Women’s senses of humor are not always so different from ours, but context and timing are crucial; a peepee or poopoo joke might go over well with the ladies, but it is not appropriate on the holiday when she wants you to show you know her and love her. You didn’t take the holiday seriously enough, so make up for it by re-evaluating your relationship and making a greater effort at understanding how women–and yours in particular–think and feel. Once you’ve figured it out, show me up and write a blog post.
1. Be a Gentleman
There are things about you that she says are cute, and she may actually be serious about one or two of them, but Jimmy Kimmel should not be your relationship role model. Clean up your act, because a guy isn’t a man, he’s a grown-up boy. Shave that goatee, take off the baseball cap when you’re indoors (or ditch it altogether, if you can), realize that shorts are not formalwear, trade in the Old Spice for something she’s approved, put the seat down… Contrary to what you’ve learned in your post-pubescent life, a gentleman is not one who frequents strip clubs–he is a man who has the stones to put in the work it takes to make a woman happy.
Now go out there and make me proud, ya knucklehead!
Al Natanagara is an accomplished writer with 18 years of multimedia, editorial, and managerial experience in companies including ZDNet, CNet, and CBS TV. He is diligent, creative, and reliable with broad technical, investigative, and problem-solving skills. Currently, he is an Editorial Manager for Media Shower productions, writing, editing, and illustrating content for a variety of sites most currently for eDrugstore.md.
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