Tell me you don’t change when you start a relationship.  Not you right? Then why do you sound like Tiny Tim combined with Mr. Rogers when she calls you?  Maybe you always sound that way especially talking to the guys about the malicious hits the Bears were putting on quarterbacks…back in 1985 that is.  Don’t worry we all went through it and it’s okay.  In the beginning of relationships we really think the girls love socks with holes in them, the Foghat t-shirts we got from a carnival, and the Flobee haircut.  On the positive side, her changing you is a sign that she really likes you, but dislikes your style.

So, how do you know when she’s starting your transformation?  You’ll find her going through your closet.  There’s three phases you’ll typically go through and each one has the possibility, chance, who am I kidding, the guarantee that some sort of discussion (aka, argument) will occur.

The first phase is shopping. She’ll take you to stores you never been and buy you clothes you never dreamed of touching your skin. You’ll be flustered, scared, intimidated, but again it’s okay as long as the employees aren’t laughing at you.  Then you spend all this money on stuff you hate?  Tell her you’re willing to try something different and these new clothes are something you’re not used to and tell her not to take any criticism of the clothes personal.  Saying that will spare you some ringing ears compared to telling her she’s trying to change you from a sports fan to a clubbing metro sexual yuppie.

The second phase is wearing it.  At the store you may be thinking it’ll be awhile before you have to wear it so no big deal.  Time flies and you’re girlfriend’s annual clubbing night will fly up and those clothes will be hanging on the bathroom door handle with a sign saying “Wear this tonight honey bunny.”  Once it’s on and you’re looking in the mirror, hopefully you like it, but if you don’t, just tell her that you’re still not used to it, but will give it a shot (along with a dozen shots of whiskey at the club).  You can avoid the second argument by keeping your mouth closed.  More than likely you will say something along the lines that the shirt makes you look like a douchebag beer muscle guy that you despise.  Don’t say that because she’ll make sure to tell all her friends that you hate that shirt.  Her friends will tell you that it makes you look hot.  Yeah, just as hot as Howdy Doody wearing a Ed Hardy shirt, but they tell you that so you don’t burn the shirt right then on the dance floor.

The third phase is being in trouble for not wearing the clothes. After awhile you’ll be hiding the clothes in the closet. You can’t get rid of them because she’ll know you threw them out so hiding them is the only option.  Phase three is a reiteration that you’re not “in” and why can’t you wear Spanx like every other guy?

The bottom line is we all have to go through it and it is acceptable. If any guys give you crap just remember those are the guys going home and masturbating late night to any skin he can find on the Benny Hill show.  Oh right, since my days of doing that cable and internet have greatly helped out, but you know what I mean.

In conclusion, deal with her picking out the clothes at store.  Over time that’ll fade away and she’ll give up.  However this does not relieve you from her choosing your clothes. In fact she will choose your clothes up too your funeral.  I recommend paying attention to how she dresses you for different occasions.  Then you can impress her like you did with your mother when you were able to dress yourself in Garanimals.  Good luck!

Keith Makenas, writer

“The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes is not a flute. A donut with no hole is Danish.’ He was a funny guy.” Ty Webb

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