October is National Family Sexuality Education Month, so this column is devoted to parents and some-day parents.

I was once talking about sex education programs with a sixteen-year-old girl and her mother when the girl happily said, “My mom’s my best friend. We share everything.” But moments later, when her mom said she had sex for the first time “at a very young age” and the experience was “lovely and experimental,” her daughter’s face registered shock.

It was a classic example of Too Much Information.

Most parents have probably said a little too much at least a few times, and fortunately, little slips are likely to be forgotten among the many interactions we’ll have with our children over a lifetime.

If over-sharing becomes a habit, it’s a problem. I’m a strong believer in honesty coupled with self-censorship: tell the truth, but don’t provide information that is inappropriate for a child’s relationship to you or developmental stage. If you are tempted to over share, find an adult friend or therapist to talk to – kids should be kids, not confidants.

When you think a question or topic is appropriate for your child, keep in mind that the level of detail in your conversation should be different for a young child than for a teen. And even teens don’t need to know everything about their parents’ personal lives, as evidenced by the mother and daughter I mentioned earlier.

Five Steps to Answering Questions

When a child of any age asks a personal or sex-related question, consider going through this process:

1. Praise your child for asking the question.
2. Clarify what’s being asked, and why.
3. Ask your child to guess at the answer so you can gauge his or her level of knowledge.
4. Correct any errors in your child’s answer.
5. Ask if your child would like more information.

This process allows you to provide the specific information your child needs while opening the door to future conversations. That said, should you ever close the door on sexual conversation? Yes! Some topics may well be inappropriate for your child’s age and life stage. Here’s my Top Three list of things not to share with kids:

Three Sex-y Things Not to Share

• Details about your sex life. It can be hard enough for kids of any age to think of their parents having sex, let alone where, how, and how often they have sex. Acknowledge that sex is a great part of loving, mature relationships, and leave it at that.
• Details about the sex and/or love lives of your friends, family members or co-workers. Your child shouldn’t have to sit across from Aunt Sally at dinner knowing her intimate secrets. And Aunt Sally has a right to privacy.
• Gossip about break-ups, separations and divorces involving you, couples your child knows, or even celebrities. Children need faith that they can enjoy a lasting, loving relationship someday.

You can’t protect your children from all the inappropriate messages coming at them about sexuality and relationships, but you can stem the tide by monitoring what you say and share. In the process of protecting your children, you’ll be treating sex with the respect it deserves.

For much more information about how to talk with children about sexuality, read my Buzz on the Birds and Bees column and read my workbook, “Sexuality Talking Points: A Guide toward Thoughtful Conversation between Parents and Children,” .

Rate This Post:

Did you like this article? Submit it to your favorite social bookmarking sites:

About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Amateur Expert.