Note: the following article was written by Kevin Ford (see his biography below) and has been included for your consideration. Please be aware that the author’s views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself, LoveDetour.com, or our other experts. We encourage our members and experts to express their sentiments regarding this article in the comments – Do you agree or disagree with his position and why?
Despite the fact that women frequently declare us (Men) to be dim and shall we say, “less than driven;” there are the times, however infrequent, that they give us MORE credit than we deserve.
One myth that I hear time and time again, refers to body image. It doesn’t take a genius to notice the drastic difference in demands that are put on women, versus those put upon men. It goes without saying – almost – that women have seemingly impossible standards to maintain, while men are seemingly allowed a “pass.” Women are faced with having to maintain their weight,…and even lose in some cases; keeping up with the current trend-which seems to never really deviate from “Thin Is In.” When has it ever been out? Their skin is not “allowed” to sag or sprout any unsightly hair, the ones on their head can’t get grey (unless it’s in that sexy Emmylou Harris way). Their breasts must remain perky, and their faces remain wrinkle free,…forever. At the same time, men are “allowed” to get paunchy, bald in some places/hairier in others, and if there is hair left on their head-it certainly isn’t a crime to allow the grey to show. Even as this process of greying starts, men are shored up by women who say, “Oh, that grey around your temples makes you look distinguished.” So there is rarely the urge to color one’s pate, unless they are an entertainer or just vain beyond the realm of typical “maleness.”
So if the scales are tipped in such a radically lopsided fashion, and it’s the men who benefit the most, so the obvious conclusion would be that men set it up that way, right? I’ve heard this theory, time and again. “Men have purposely set it up so they can be fat and lazy, and women have been convinced that it’s fine. But women have to look young forever.” First off, on behalf of all men, I’d like to thank you all for giving us so much credit. This is a gender that can barely muster the energy needed to shave every morning, so the assumption that we not only had the energy, but the foresight and the needed knowledge of the inner workings of the fashion/cosmetic/magazine industry to pull off such a cruel coup is not only far fetched, but borderline hysterical. Add in the ability to turn an otherwise strong and intelligent gender into our botox pumped puppets, while on a daily basis-we struggle to comprehend basic female psychological processes, while flattering, is I think way off base.
Am I saying that men aren’t overtly visual creatures and that we don’t look for and want “youth,” and “appeal,” in our mates? Pffft, that would be an emphatic NO. I’m not saying that men don’t encourage such ongoing maintenance, but what I’m saying is that we aren’t the “perps,” here. You can blame us for a lot of horrible things in history, but this is one conspiracy that we didn’t concoct, I can almost promise you that. If it happened, I wasn’t invited to any of the meetings.
So if men didn’t do it, who did? If men didn’t set out to create this double standard, then who did? If it wasn’t men,..then,..uh,…maybe women? GASP! “Could women do this to themselves, willingly?” you ask. Why would women put those sorts of requirements on themselves, and in turn give men the permission to simply get less and less attractive without any negative ramifications? Well, just as this was not an elaborate conspiracy contrived by men in some smoky boardroom, it wasn’t a “plan” laid out by women, either. I contend that it is at once a leftover from the days before the Women’s Movement, and a modern day byproduct, mixed into a psychotic showdown between nature and our will.
There was definitely a time, in our not too recent past, that women weren’t allowed to offer much outside of the home and if they were to be “allowed” outside, then they were to be a reflection of their husband and their husband’s success. The term “trophy wife,” still exists in our vocabulary today, and is still used, although in more whispered verbiage. Once the Feminist Movement shook up our ideas of what women were capable of, then that should have been the end of women feeling objectified and that the days of being judged solely on their looks was a thing of the past, right? Uh,..sadly, no. That lack of complete changeover shows not necessarily a weakness in the philosophy of the movement, but to me it shows other issues, most of which perpetuated by the female sex.
There is a competitive streak in women that exists far beyond anything that men can muster. I find it funny that because of sports and warfare, with their inherent and obvious competitive nature, that men are seen as the ones that live competitively. It is assumed that we are, because of our “simple” thought processes, along with a constant desire to find the Alpha Male of the pack, that fighting for everything we get, seeing each other as “the enemy,” and struggling to be the “big dog,” are just part of the everyday life of the male. At the same time, women are seen as being more rational, more intelligent, less childlike, more evolved, and therefore, less prone to competing over every little issue. Well, for all the bullshit that women have had to bear since the beginning of human existence, they seem to have hired a great P.R. person, at times like these.
As a man, I find it curious, if not just plain funny – that women are considered less competitive or even combative than men. Sure, over the course of history, men have fought most of the wars, we’re typically the ones to get into bar fights,..play the majority of sports,..and the women were either made to sit on the sidelines cheering. In a lot of cases, while the guys are waging war, women sit in smug knowledge that they were the ones that were either being “fought over” or “for.” For whatever reason, most altercations start over or because of women. (At this point, feel free to call me whatever names you wish. Just get it out of your system, so we can move forward here.)
The simplest example to show you is the “bar fight.” In recent years, women have been known to throw down with each other, but for the most part it’s the men are the ones that are seen rolling around on the floor, pummelling each other. So if we back up, and do a little snooping into the private conversations/thought processes of those involved,..let’s look at WHY these things escalate so often and so quickly.
It has been said that everything a man does that could in any way be thought of as extraordinary or outstanding, is done simply to impress women. They become doctors, they fight disease, they build bridges, they join rock bands, they become actors, use jackhammers,..anything that calls attention to them is done to call the attention of women,..for the hope of sex or sexual validation. It has also been noted that if there was a way that men could get women to have sex with them without all this show, that nothing would ever be accomplished by men. If you abide by that theory (and I think there IS a good deal of truth to it) everything has been done to impress women, on some level. While this was originally said in gest, as with all great humor- inside of it lies a nugget of truth. To a man, there are two factions/two tribes to please. We can either look good to our male friends, or look good in the eyes of our woman or women in general. The disconnect between expectations is sort of the crux of the reason I’m writing this. Why must a man be forced to choose? Shouldn’t a good quality just be a “good quality?” Why are things so gender specific, and can our minds be changed in accordance?
Despite what people think, most men don’t go out looking for bar fights. Sure, I know a few sociopaths and even psychopaths that lurk in this world. The “Instant A**hole: Just Add Alcohol,” types are definite exceptions to the rule. But that is true with anything regarding psychology, there are no absolutes, if my high school textbook wasn’t lying to me. Still, for the most part, men don’t go looking for conflict. If the competition for sex is taken out of the equation,..then very few times do things get ugly regarding our encounters with other men. Seems far too basic to be the truth, but it is just that.
I used to marvel at the difference between how my friends would act when it was just us guys hanging out, compared to when girls were around. I love women, and have loved most everything about them since I was old enough to have senses, basically. But there were times when I was hanging out with especially my redneck friends, that I would much rather it be a guy’s only poker night, than God forbid a party where there were more men than women. All it would take was for one girl to decide to play with a guy’s head, and it would be on. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a girl say to a guy, “You’re not a man!” for not defending her so called honor. It’s the classic case of “Are you gonna let that guy talk to you like that?” It doesn’t take long until they eventually force their man’s hand and in essence, make him feel like he HAS to fight in order to save face. I’ve seen it a hundred times, it seems.
See, contrary to what the world has been led to believe, men don’t seek out conflict. We are more likely to bend to outside pressures, than we are to look for trouble on our own. I don’t want to make it seem that women always try to make us fight or that we are completely innocent of all charges, but women are definitely a factor in most confrontations. Whether they shame us or threaten to lose respect for us, or just their existence makes men feel more competitive,…even just for that moment, it’s all part of this picture. Fighting “over” a girl is as old as the ages, and I don’t see that changing easily, if ever. But this will be discussed further and in more detail later on.
Right now let’s get back to competitive natures. Boys start out more competitive, while girls seem less so. Boys are always pitting themselves against other boys. Who can lift the most weight, who can run the fastest, who can jump the farthest,..etc. These are the hallmarks of childhood, on into early adulthood. Some of these desires hold on, but for the most part, competitiveness then becomes a personal thing, not an across the board generality. Some guys maintain competitive natures throughout, still holding on to that need to be better than the next guy. We all have that to a certain extent, I guess. Why do you think that high school reunions are so stressful? We continue to compare ourselves to others. This in itself should cause us to consider our competitive nature. If this comparison drives us to change our way of living, that is comparison turned into competitiveness. Most of us simply think,..”I have enough internal struggles to be the best that I can be for myself, my family, the ones that I love,..I don’t need anything else cluttering my life.” Through this rationale, we manage to sidestep that need to directly compare our lives, our lifestyles, etc. to everyone you meet, right? Well, as much as I’d like to think so, a lot of people only work to succeed so that they can compare themselves more favorably to others. Whether the victory lap is done while screaming, “In your face!” or in most cases, it’s a secret smile that you keep for yourself, it is still a competitive nature that drives this sort of success, rather than the simple feeling of accomplishment.
This more subtle than the days when you could race “from here to the 3rd light post and back,…GO!” Back then, we could immediately know who was crowned the victor. As men age, the occasions for direct competitiveness and sport, come up less and less. This explains the popularity of softball teams, and the propensity to live through your child’s sporting career. While the competitive nature declines in men,…sort of the way unused muscles tend to atrophy, women seem to grow into being more and more competitive. While I don’t mean that they tend to play more sports,…they do tend to play more games. It seems almost tragic that when girls are young, that they are free to be openly affectionate with their female friends,…they look as though they are building bonds that should last a lifetime. But in reality, they seem to grow more and more resentful of each other and the ongoing comparisons grow into full on competitive spirits and sometimes hurtful behavior.
This feeling manifests itself in the perpetuation of the original concept, the impossible standard. The sad thing is that women keep that going themselves. Women are more critical of each other than guys would ever dream of being. I remember when Britney Spears tried to make her “come back” on the VMAs, she performed an uninspired, lumbering dance along with a sad attempt at lipsyncing,..much to the dismay of those in the audience. BUT,… for every comment I heard about her poor performance, I heard 4 comments on how crappy she looked. “She’s too fat!” “She’s had two kids, she should never wear that!” “Who does she think she is?” “How old does she think she is.” “She’s gross. Just look at that stomach!!” blah, blah, blah. It’s interesting that I didn’t hear ONE straight male say ANY of those things. Not ONE heterosexual man, to my knowledge, criticized her weight, her wig/extensions, fashion choice, etc. What does that single incidence tell you? C’mon,..what does this tell you? This is a girl that had a body that was nearly perfect just a few years ago. This is a girl that has had two children since then. My question is that if women actually ARE part of this magical mutually supportive sisterhood, then why weren’t they rushing in to defend her? Why didn’t they constantly remind us that having kids reek havoc on women’s bodies and that she looked damned good, despite this? Why? Well, because quite frankly the only one’s that needed convinced of that fact were each other,…and the random gay man hosting his own Style show, maybe the one in his head. Every straight male I know said, “I thought she looked pretty damned good, myself.” Doesn’t sound to me like we are holding women up to higher standards,…higher than women feel is fair. For some reason, it seemed more important for women to call attention to this “fallen” goddess, than to defend her. Why was this, or is this the case more often than not?
So,..uh,…is this a vast male conceived conspiracy? Eh, probably not, I’m guessing.
About the Author–Kevin Ford is an actor living in New Orleans, although he is originally from the hills of West Virginia. Kevin finds great inspiration in the history laden streets of the French Quarter where he resides. He started writing essays about relationships a couple years ago, trying to piece together the many reasons for the seeming disconnect that exists between the sexes. Far from a lost cause, he feels that we just need to dispel some myths and accept responsibility…maybe cast aside political correctness and simply respect each other, instead. Then maybe we can finally bridge that gap.
“A lot of people find it funny that I am the ‘relationship advice guy’ for most of my friends, yet I’m usually the single one. But actually the fact that I don’t feel society’s push to make us jump into relationships gives me a better prospective than most, I feel.”
Visit: www.kevinfordsite.com
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