Devastated Asked:
“My wife is cheating on me with her coworker and I found out about it 8 days ago. I am devastated and don”t know what to do. We have a 6 year old boy and a 4 year old girl, and her coworker is also supposed to be our friend. My wife has allowed this to go on since summer and has brought him to our family. My wife is under a lot of stress at work. Her father is terminally ill, and her mother is in detox for Alcohol. She truly is a great woman, and I am in shock as to how my life got to this point. I am lost?”
- Devastated
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Devastated,
There’s no question that what you are going through is an incredibly upsetting and challenging experience. When something of this magnitude occurs, it is critical to take some time to breathe and to resist the urge to react impulsively. Healing the wound that infidelity causes requires long-term work. Whether you want to stay ion your relationship is a decision that only you can make when you are hurt in this way. You and your partner must ultimately have a conversation in which you decide together whether you want to try to do the work and repair the relationship. If you choose to do so, I encourage you to seek out a couples counselor and/or find a good book on coping with infidelity. You can find such a book online, at outlets such as Amazon.com, or perhaps at your local bookstore.
- Dr. Seth
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Dear Devastated,
I recommend patience. Until her world has settled down, your wife is unable to think clearly and feel authentically; she’s in a chaotic state psychically. Your best course is to 1) maintain your own mental health by finding a regular source of counseling; 2) support and reassure the children, who are no doubt suffering from growing anxiety; 3) support your wife in all her suffering and confusion, making it clear that you are committed to the marriage and to her happiness. She needs you now for stability despite her apparent dependency on someone else for intimacy. Whether her affair will grow into a new commitment, replacing her bond with you, remains to be seen. Give her all the help you can, as she defines it, despite your jealousy, which is real, brutal and painful. Don’t deny the jealousy you feel, but don’t act on it either. Endure it. This is a test of your love for your spouse, and you are bound to her until she has absolutely severed the tie.
- Wise Old man
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Devastated,
you’ve given me what is actually a completely useless list of information. Mother in detox, father terminal, wife under stress, blah, blah, blah. Let me reword this as is should be and then I’ll get on to what you can do. Ready? “My wife is cheating on me.” Finished! None of the rest of it matters except to you. You want all the rest of it to matter, after all you’ve spent years thinking it does, but, sadly, it does NOT. To imply that you owe her anything or that she owes you anything is simply not true. You must learn to live in the moment and leave the past behind!
I’m going to put this simply to you and you’re not going to like it but I’m going to do it anyway. This is completely your fault. And like I always say, the good news is that it’s completely your fault…so you can fix it! It’s no fault of yours (or hers) that you’re lost, but it will be your fault if, after I tell you how to fix it, you ignore what will work and instead do what makes YOU feel better about yourself.
She is no longer attracted to you. But you can fix that. But you have to be willing to give up a lot of the things that you’ve believed in. If you can’t, if you find that rather than winning this woman back you only want to console yourself as you decide that it’s not your fault (it is) then just stop reading.
If you want to go on then start with the idea that you’re no fun. Women are not attracted to looks…I know that might sound crazy to you but it’s true. Women are attracted to safety, evolution has taught them that they need the protection of a male and they will attempt to choose the best possible choice. How do they go about choosing? Well, their primary gage is fun. Think about it…when do you have fun? Only when you’re safe. They go hand in hand so women have learned to judge one by judging the other.
If she’s not constantly thinking about you then, to her, you are NOT fun. But you can get back to that. And we’ll go into some of that here. I want you to begin by saying this to her, “You know what? I’ve forgotten how much fun I used to be. I’m going to get back to being that fun guy again.”
Boom! Now you can begin to break a lot of rules and if she questions it, remind her that you’re getting back to that fun guy you used to be! With a big smile on, of course. Now come to terms with the idea that what I’m about to tell you may cause you to lose her. This is integral to the solution. You don’t have any value to her, people only value things when they can lose them. You’re certainly valuing her right now, but that doesn’t help you at all, what you need is for her to value you again!
How can you do that? First, you’re going to want her to quit or promise not to see him or something along those lines. Stop! It will NOT help! I don’t care what you think…it will NOT help! Do not attempt to control women…ever! It destroys their attraction for you. Instead create enough attraction that they WANT to please you! We’ll get back to what you want to do here but first we need to create a lot more attraction. Learn to talk to her like an Alpha Male by reading my article: Power Words. Becoming more Alpha Male-like is the goal you’re after and if you don’t understand quite why read the article The Secret Power of the Alpha Male to Create Uncontrollable Reactions in Women.
Smile! Do everything with a smile. I don’t care if it feels fake, phony, or shoddy to you…do it and do it a lot. Trust me, she won’t be able to tell the difference. The smile is the first sign of fun!
If you can, buy some new clothes, but don’t buy what you always buy, she’s seen that look before. Instead learn to dress like an Alpha Male. That means flashy. Get the sales person to help you out, explain that you want to get a little risky and look a little younger. She’ll understand. Flashy isn’t you? You’re not being true to yourself? Blah, blah, blah. If you’re not man enough to do what gets results then you’re just wasting everyone’s time.
“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten!”
Kino! That means touching. Start with very small things. But there’s a way to do it right. While telling a story or a joke, reach out and lightly touch a forearm or shoulder. Then bring it back. Do this every few minutes (remembering to smile!) until you’ve built up enough connection to take hold of a hand or arm…again hold for just a second…never try to control a woman, that only destroys attraction. Do this all the time. The touch will trigger attraction. The more things you do to trigger attraction the more she will be attracted to you!
Push/Pull! If she likes thing A, then you automatically like thing B. Then lightly tease her about thing A. If you speak like you know what you’re talking about then she will want to agree with you (even if she knows you’re wrong!) just to please you. If you give her something, immediately take it away. Hand her a napkin and then snatch it away, “Give me that!” (smile!) This demonstrates that you are in control of your surroundings and can ignore social rules whenever you please. This includes compliments…”I love your hair!…but I liked it when it was shorter even better.” (smile!)
When she complains about the treatment do NOT give in! She will begin to ask you questions…”Do you love me?”, “Do you think this will work?”, “Why should we go on?” and so on. Your natural response is to answer them in some way. Don’t do it! It’s not how you answer…it’s if you answer! A true Alpha Male has no need to answer her questions and not answering will frustrate her (keep smiling) but it will also build her attraction for you. It will also terrify you! You’ll want nothing more than to give her the answers she’s looking for…you must decide what you want: a friend or… a lover and a friend.
Remember, if you want to build a house correctly you get someone to do it that knows how to build houses. This is the same. You want to think it’s different, but it’s not. You must build attraction, you must throw the fun word around…a lot!
superselective@gmail.com
- Dan Hitt
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Dear Devastated-
People cheat for different reasons, but ultimately they step outside of the relationship to fulfill needs that are missing with you. Based on your story, I’m guessing that she is closer with her father than her mother. That said, she has very masculine emotional qualities, and they likely cause a lot of conflict with you because she is such a strong woman.
When she’s with her father, she can be daddy’s little girl, but with you, she feels the need to be dominate. I’m also guessing that you are very caring, and loving, and are in touch with feminine emotions.
You need to stand up and be strong, be the man. Let her be the little girl she needs to be. The reason she isn’t the little girl is because she feels she has to be strong for you.
There is no doubt she is a great woman, and you, I’m sure, are a great husband. But you both have to take your natural roles in the relationship. You can only work on you first, and when she see’s the change into the man you are, she will change as well.
Focus on making her number one in your life, being the rock she can depend on. This will satisfy her need for certainty, that you will always be there. Also focus on making her feel significance. She needs to feel important to you. That is why she is stepping out of the relationship. She is not sure if you will be there for her, and she doesn’t feel important and significant to you.
Don’t run when fights happen. Be a man. Listen to her. Stick around. Show her you will be there no matter what, and that you can take criticism. For more help on human needs, view my article on LoveDetour.com. You can also learn more tips by joining my free newsletter at www.CheatingSpousesRevealed.com
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Devastated,
I understand your pain. This is truly an eye opening experience, but not one that is without resolve. Conflict in most relationships often makes the relationship stronger as long as both parties agree to work past differences and solve the problems. Cheating in itself is not normally a relationship ender if you don’t want it to be. The first question you should address is whether or not you still love her and wish to continue your relationship with her. If the answer to your question is no, then what you should do should be obvious, (a PEACEFUL dissolution). I say peaceful because your children are involved and the more immaturity you can shield them and yourself from, the better.
Here is a revised excerpt that I feel may be helpful, it is from my book: “Cipher of Life - revised”
You can believe me or not but most women will not cheat on their spouses if they are being satisfied at home. Bold statement I know, but true. Most animals will not stray far from where it is getting all of its needs met, so keep that in mind. If your woman has cheated on you then you need to take a look at what you aren’t giving her that she feels she needs to get somewhere else. Not taking any responsibility off of women because cheating is wrong all together, but it is my belief that if satisfied most times a woman will not wonder. And if your woman has cheated she is in misery because she really didn’t want to; she had a need that wasn’t being met and sought help to meet that need. Forgive her, find out what her needs are, supply those needs, and move on; it’s that simple. “Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings” (Euripides).
On the flip side of your situation though, I sense that you are still in love with her but you’re having trouble understanding what you have done to prompt these actions or why she would violate your sacred bond, your relationship, and disrespect you and your children. There are many reasons we can entertain as to why, but only you can get the answers to those questions by asking her what it is that you aren’t giving her that she feels she needs to get from somewhere else. At some juncture in your relationship something has changed and has driven her away. She is starving for something that she isn’t getting from you, so you must figure out what this is and start giving it to her immediately. Once you find out what it is and give it to her, the relationship should get even better than it was before this all started.
Let me also say that it is not all your fault, but it isn’t all her fault either. Both of you have a hand in this, and it will take both of you to work through it. The key here is to be calm, collect, and use discretion when addressing this issue. Any negative comments or hostility may drive her away permanently. Only during this calm will she tell you what the root problem is. This is your ultimate goal; to figure out what need she has that he is filling for her that you are not. Once you find out what it is, you must come to an agreement to correct it. Then you try your hardest to correct it. Do not hold a grudge, forgive her and let it go. Don’t hold it over her head because it’ll only drive her away. Let her hold her own guilt on the inside, it’ll be an excellent internal check and balance for her. You cannot condemn her any better than she can condemn herself in this instance. Her family issues and work related stress could possibly be contributing to her problems but we all have those types of problems and have to deal with them without cheating and she can too.
Just guessing here but it could be that during all this stress and family problems, she could want to talk about it and be consoled, but she may feel like she cannot depend on your sympathetic ear. So she finds this sympathetic ear elsewhere. Think about it. Hang in there, problems will arise in relationships but your relationship will be defined by how you handle those problems, will you fight for your spouse or give up on them. Keep at it, be persistent, and don’t give up on your relationship before you have had the time to really enjoy it. Relationships are give and take, trial and error, failure and triumph. Many people quit on their relationships before they have had time to grow past the problems which will make them stronger. People do not realize that it is precisely those problems you work through, which eventually strengthens the bond. Look at it like a real estate transaction for example. If you saw the house of your dreams up for sale but the walls were painted a hideous color, would that be a deal breaker or would you find a way to work past that and maybe paint those walls at a later date? Well, this is similar to your relationship, this should not be a deal breaker but it should be an opportunity to find a way to compromise or paint the walls so to speak. Don’t lose or destroy your dream house. This is my advice, and I hope it helps. Keep your head up, trouble doesn’t last always; the sun also shines tomorrow. Keep me posted.
For more advice on this subject and other issues you can find in my book, “Cipher of Life”
- Cinique’
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