What does it take to have an extraordinary relationship? Consider the following. For those of you currently single, right now, you may be single and have been for quite awhile, or you may be relatively newly single (i.e. on the rebound), or you may be single and have no desire to be in a long term committed relationship. For those of you currently in a relationship, you may already have what you consider to be an extraordinary relationship, or you may be in a “good” relationship, or while you may be in a relationship you may be planning your escape. Regardless of which of these categories you fall into, the answer to the question posed to open this article is the same… basics.

Basics? That’s probably getting a few good laughs right now as you consider the person you are currently with or some of those you have been with in the past. For those of you laughing and for those of you that may be confused, you are about to learn something… it’s all B.S. It’s all about Belief Systems. Simply put, these are all those wonderful things you believe about the topic of relationships… also known as your rules. Here’s some cliché “rules” – Men can’t be trusted. Women can’t be trusted. Men are such slobs. Women are so picky. Men only have one thing on their minds. Women are so needy. Can you imagine what kind of relationships one might be having if they had beliefs like these? Here’s the amazing part though. The same people have great achievements and accomplishments they have celebrated in their lives. Here’s what we know about people who achieve. They go after what they want and they do it regardless of the rules. Can you remember a time in your life when you loved breaking the rules? Wouldn’t now be a great time to do that again? Do you have any idea what this B.S. may be costing you or someone you care about (emotionally, physically, even financially)?

Back to basics… the first rule to creating an extraordinary relationship is to let go of all the rules. Everyone reading this article has developed their own B.S. based on their previous experiences or the experiences of others, in particular the experiences they don’t want to have going forward. Do you know what that is? It’s F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). More than 90% of the population is driven by their fears and will do anything to avoid the perceived pain associated with those fears… including developing some great B.S. that keeps them from having an extraordinary relationship. Think of it this way. A plant either grows or… dies. Your car when moving either goes forward or… backwards. So, when you are so focused on your fears, you are not focusing on… what you really want.

Are you familiar with a movie that came out a few years ago on DVD called “The Secret”? The premise of the movie was the “Law of Attraction” and its role in our lives. While much of the movie explored financial and materialistic elements, the same holds even more true on an emotional level. If you focus on the pain in a relationship, you will see and experience what? That’s right. Pain. Focus on a wonderful relationship and what are you likely to experience? That’s right. Joy. Passion. Love. Test this with your own life experiences. Maybe you had a heart-throb in your teens or 20’s. During the first month, it was amazing, outrageous, fun, playful, exciting, sexy, loving, sensual and simply awesome. Then maybe 6 months or a year past and everything was anything but all those amazing thoughts. What really changed? There is little doubt that your focus changed from what you really loved to what you really did not love. That said, if you are not quite getting what you want, when now would be a great time to change your focus?

Another powerful basic is what we communicate. Consider the words that come out of your mouth (or words that you type on a keyboard or write on paper)? Think back to the example above. What words did you commonly use during that first month? He’s so… She’s so… Fast forward 6 or 12 months. What words did you find more common? He’s so… She’s so… This is simply another derivation of what you focus on. Ever have a friend say, “careful what you wish for?” These are all things we communicate. So, if you know your words (verbal, in print or in thought) would benefit from a more positive shift, when now would be a great time to change?

One more element under basics is you physically. Once again, let’s revisit the example above. During the first month, how did you carry yourself? Did you sway or have a swagger? Did you put a little extra effort into your appearance and make a great first impression when you walked into a room? Did you walk upright and with confidence? Did you eat healthier? Did you feel more alive and well rested after a night’s sleep? Now, let’s move to 6 or 12 months later. Did all of these things magically shift? Instead of a swagger, did it seem more like a schlep? Was getting ready to go out now 5 minutes of whatever, with mirror optional? Was your gait now more slumped over and did you seem to lack confidence? As for eating, does anything go? And as for sleeping, what sleeping? A good night’s rest was rare. These are all example that our physical being mirrors our outcomes. Knowing this, if physically everything is not where you believe they should be, again, when now would be a great time to change?

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose the words (and the tonality) of what we communicate. And we choose how to physically present ourselves. At the same time, many would contest the word “choose.” The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things that drive you and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

This article is the first in a series by the author that maps the creation of an extraordinary relationship. Again, you may be in one of a number of situations regarding relationships. For those who have a pretty clear view of what isn’t working, these basics will address your concerns as well. You are invited back to continue this journey towards the relationship you truly desire.

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Andrew Fink.