This article is the third in a series of Relationship Basics and addresses what it takes to have an extraordinary relationship. Once again, this is great information to know whether you are single or already in a relationship. For those of you currently single, you may have been for quite awhile, or you may be newly single (i.e. on the rebound). For those of you currently in a relationship, you may already have what you consider to be wonderful or you may have anything but. Regardless of which of these categories you fall into, what it takes to have an extraordinary relationship can be summarized in one word… basics.

In my first two articles (What Drives Us and Authenticity), I alluded to the choices we make and behaviors and emotions that we actually choose. Right about now, a common response might be, “Emotions that I choose?” I can even see the squinting eyes and cringing face. Yes. Allow me to share with you the Relationship Basic of Cause and Effect. The really simple explanation here is that being “at cause” is a place where you are creating, you own, you are an amazing man or woman… men, you are amazing men and women you are the amazing women. Don’t laugh too hard. The Relationship basic in that last sentence is my next article on Balance. When you are at the effect, you are not creating. As a matter of fact, you are simply living at the will of your environment. You are waiting for things to happen and in doing so you don’t own one bit of your actions. As a matter of fact, you are cheating yourself, maybe your friends and family and the rest of the world of enjoying that amazing man or woman that you truly are at your core.

Here’s an interesting statistic… less than 3% of the population lives their lives at cause. WOW! So, here’s my question to you. Which group do you choose to be in? (There’s that word choose again.) The interesting fact is that such a large section of the population chooses in-action rather than action, and the result ends up being exactly what they don’t want. Let’s discuss a scenario that you may recognize. You may even intimately recognize this scenario. Here’s what I know about people in relationships that were amazing at the start (so they said) and somewhere as the calendar pages turned, something happened. Somewhere early in the relationship, one person was likely completely smitten with the other (or at minimum they really, really, really liked the other.) As a matter of fact, if you think back to that time… see things that used to be seen, hear things that used to be said and feel some of those feelings that used to be felt… I bet we would see that both parties used to do some things that were very much “at cause.” I bet they spent a little more time and attention to making themselves more attractive, they used to walk a little more upright and with a little more strut. One would even say they used to have an essence about them that some would say that they were lit up like a Christmas tree. Now, when they used to be “at cause” in those little things, I bet that both parties used to see much better response from the other. Here’s what I am willing to bet… little or none of that is the case now… nor has been for awhile. Go a step further. If they continue their current patterns (behaviors), knowing what I just shared about being at cause, what kind of results do you think they will see from the other? That’s right. Exactly what they are focusing on (also in my first article), exactly what they don’t want. So, while it would be real easy to point fingers at the other party, I’d rather challenge everyone to create (and in some cases re-create) the magic that we all deserve… and when now would be a great time to do that?

This having been said, here’s a simple fact. Those who choose to remain at the effect end up stuck. I would bet that both people in the example above are 2 pretty good people. At this point, I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with another great author and speaker, Emerson Eggerichs. From his work, you would, as clear as day, see that couples today easily get stuck on the “Crazy Cycle.” And until one person is “at cause” and is committed to stepping off the crazy cycle, BOTH stay right there. Note that I said until ONE is committed. This is what I mean by being at cause to create what it is that one truly desires. Sometimes, the behaviors of the other person can seem really egregious or inappropriate. However, it is during such times that we are reminded that we too must be part of the solution as it takes two to tango. Now, let’s fast forward. Imagine the great relationship you can create in your life by living your life at cause.

These basics that I suggest above are all things we have absolute control over. We choose what we focus on. We choose how we behave and how we show up. And we choose how we present ourselves. The facts are quite simple, these are decisions we make every day at an unconscious level. Here’s the beauty for you though. Simply, while reading this article, if you connected with any of what was written, you moved these things from your unconscious to your conscious awareness. Congratulations! You now have conscious awareness of some of the things about living your life at cause and an extraordinary relationship is well within reach, regardless of your situation today.

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About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Andrew Fink.