Terry Asked:
“My wife of 9 years and 3 children announced she is gay. In addition, shortly thereafter she had a meltdown and we found out she is severly bipolar. When she says she doesn’t want sex anymore but she still loves me, I’m her best friend and she still wants to remain married but no sex. she still want to kiss, snuggle, sleep in same bed, etc…. I feel we are disconnected now, no intimacy, a wedge between us. ‘we had issues in our marriage but nothing I thought we couldn’t work on for improvement. What does it mean to be gay. I’m having trouble with this. I’m not blaming her but she is setting conditions wihtout my input. Don’t I matter too? I don’t know how much is bipolar how much is gay. I’m very confused by all of this. If she isn’t wanting me sexually, does she really care about me and love me? I feel it means our relations has taken several steps back and we are not connected as we should be-we’re not giving ourselves fully and completely physically and emotionally. Any thoughts or suggestions?”
- Terry (43, Vienna)
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Dear Terry,
Intimacy isn’t created when people have sex, it happens with people choose to share their lives. You and your wife can be intimate without being sexual. Even without sex you can care for each other and your children, and choose to be in each others’ lives and the lives of your children.
If the two of you want to continue to be married, to live together, and to co-parent your children, but to not have sex with each other then it is imperative that you are both open to pursue sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people. People need sex.
Being gay means – for your wife at least – that she does not have any interest having sexual relations with men, including you. It’s not you, it’s her. While it’s true that she has taken sex between the two of you off the table without your input, it would be unfair to force her to have sex with you because only you want to. Would you want to be forced into having sex with a man just because he wanted to have sex with you?
There are different kinds of love, and most of them do not include sexual relations. You love your children and (hopefully) don’t have sexual feelings for them. Ditto for your parents and siblings. You may even have a close friend whom you love and trust but with whom you do not desire sex. While you still think of your wife in a sexual way, she does not think of you in that way and that is something you’ll have to get used to.
Your wife can’t make herself be attracted to you or any man any more than you can make yourself be attracted to a man (assuming you’re straight).
I would suggest finding a sex-positive therapist who has experience with non-traditional relationships and families so you and your wife can get some input from a neutral third party.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Suzanne White Montiel
sewmontiel@yahoo.com
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