Dear Ron,

Yeah, adults are allowed to disagree with each other. Disagreement does not mean love is lacking, it simply means not every person is the same. This seems pretty simple to me, to you, and to most other adults.

That your girlfriend doesn’t think you should ever disagree is really quite odd.

But it seems as though you are both pretty good at avoiding conflict – her by saying it shouldn’t exist, and you by giving in. When you’re keeping track of the percentage of occurrences in which you “get your way” it certainly seems like you’re resentful.

Try talking to her like you wrote to us. Tell her how you feel in a calm and respectful manner. Tell her that disagreeing with her does not equal not loving her, and that because you’re individuals you’re prone to individual opinions, experiences, etc.

You love her, but is it really you who she loves? You seem to be doing what is not your natural style to do. You seem to be giving in to her at the cost of your own feelings and inclinations. This is, perhaps, a good time to examine yourself and figure out what you want out of a relationship and a partner.

Sincerely,

Suzanne White Montiel
SF Sex and Relationships Examiner
http://www.examiner.com/x-14163-SF-Sex-and-Relationships-Examiner

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Fights are normal. They are also unhealthy because they are a clear sign that the parties are trying to love other people without having learned to accept and love each other first. The bottom line is that you only get as much and acceptance from someone else as you give yourself.

Some of this may be cultural. Israelis moved into land that was not theirs without so much as a by your leave and have proceeded to make royal boors of themselves ever since, all because of an ancient book full of vile fairy tales that they believe to be true. the entire story of Israel is a story of playground bullies run amok and every Israeli I have known in my life exhibits this tendency to a greater or lesser extent. I know how stereotypical this sounds but those are my observations and I have no love for Israel or its religion. BUT that does not detract from my argument, in fact it bolsters it.

The thing is, there is NOTHING intrinsically good or bad about anything in life unless and until one chooses to apply a label. We are always choosing, and most of us are doing so unconsciously… which leads to negative experiences and the inevitable “I don’t know why this is happening” excuses, fighting, etc. The remedy is to make CONSCIOUS choices about EVERYTHING, to have a little man on your shoulder who pokes you every time something happens and forces you to make a conscious choice. See http://www.naute.com/inspiration/luck.phtml for a perfect example of what I mean.

Choice also extends to your relationships. I have been with my partner for over three years and they have been the best years of my life. How? EVERY SINGLE MORNING as I wake up, I ask myself whether I want to be with her today. Just today, this is the only time I can control. I give myself the freedom to choose no because I know for a fact that I can do just fine without her and that there is nothing intrinsically good or bad about being with her.

Now, having made the choice to be with her, it becomes my responsibility to uphold my decision. Thus, every time I interact with her or think about her and have a choice about how to think or feel about that moment, I look at the range of possibilities and ask myself, “which one most upholds my decision?” I then make the choice and carry it out.

Doing all of this results in a CONSCIOUS relationship where we are together by choice as free people, not from any sense of duty or entitlement or entrapment. When both people make the decision and have the maturity to own that decision, then the way is clear for the love to shine through. Yes, there is conflict sometimes… and that conflict is about the issue and never about the PERSON. There is never any fighting or power struggle because those would contradict our decisions.

Is fighting normal? Yes. Is it healthy? No. Can you two get beyond it? Yes, if and only if you follow what I outlined above.

Anthony Hernandez
http://www.theenlightenedsavage.com

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Ron:
The Jewish culture is a very matriarchal one where the women almost always rule the roost. This is her culture. Jewish women rule by manipulation. You need to be able to compromise or leave her. It is not a life. If she can’t meet you half way, then you have effectivley handed over your manhood to her and you can share this with her. I have included an article on peaceful conflict resolution. I suggest that you use this article as an ultimatum. Tell her that this is the basis of a good relationship and if she can’t do it, you will go looking for a woman who will respect you. Respect is a man’s numer one need and she is clearly not giving it to you.
You seem like a nice and reasonable guy who does not deserve this emotional abuse. Please share my comments with her as well. I would be happy to work with the two of you if you like.

Blessings on you and yours.
marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

marriagecoach1.wordpress.com blog

RESOLVING CONFLICT PEACEFULLY
Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not. I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship. The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction. That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.
I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction. The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things. The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children. She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved; she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce. She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.
I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store: THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES. You can see art imitating life. Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies. Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well. Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting. Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay. They lived in an idyllic setting on an island. They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water. Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified. If you have not seen The Prince of Tides, it is also mandatory on my homework list.
To avoid those problems and dysfunction, I have listed some techniques that are guaranteed to work if you will use them. I tell my clients that they both need to agree to change their ways. They also need to forgive each other and enact the old familiar slogan from the playground: A DO OVER. Admit that you have both made mistakes and that as a couple you want a do over and agree to rules that I have listed for peacefully resolving the conflict. A great idea is to adopt the physician’s vow about dealing with your conflicts; “ First, do no harm.”

When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. I know that it is hard to do. You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments. Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem. Then ask: “In what way can we resolve this problem”? This goes a long way to resolving the problem. Calmly discuss solutions. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

AGREE TO DISAGREE

Too many times people are locked into winning. The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated.
Better to “agree to disagree”. In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.
FLIPPING A COIN
If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs
Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.
NEGOTIATING CONFLICT
When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative. You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement. You can do this by adopting a 10 scale. You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth. You have to give an honest evaluation. Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position. Suppose your
spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.
SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE
Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view. Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.
The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting
1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.
7. Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.
I have re-written an old nursery rhyme that is more appropriate: Sticks and stones can only break your bones but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.
Remember, your job as a spouse is to nurture your spouse. You can’t do that when you are being self centered. According to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, self centeredness is a leading cause of divorce. You also don’t nurture your spouse when you attempt to bully them in an argument instead of peacefully resolving the conflict while respecting them and their feelings.
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man (woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19
The big problem is that the vast majority of people don’t heed the above scriptural mandate. Most people are doing just the opposite: they are quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen. If you can follow the scriptural mandate, you will be amazed at how much better your marriage works.
SAVING FACE
You need to adopt the oriental philosophy of “saving face”. This is a philosophy of mutual respect. It is considered in very poor form to in any way deliberately disrespect another person. Their rules are very rigid in that you never ever would consider doing anything that would cause someone to feel humiliated or embarrassed. Our western culture clearly does not teach respect for other people’s feelings.
Finally, if you can’t resolve an argument, then seek out the services of a marriage coach. Avoid marriage counselors at all costs. The dirty little secret in the industry is that marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate according to some leading counselors turned Marriage Coaches like Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS and Michelle Weiner Davis, author of DIVORCE BUSTING. Marriage counselors have you come back for weeks and talk about feelings. Coaches concentrate on resolving problems in a short period of time. If
you need help, put into your search engine and look for marriage coaches, or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

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