Brian Asked:
“My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 19 month old little girl who we both adore. We have had very little time away from our little girl since she was born and my wife refuses to take some alone time and let the little one stay the night with either of our parents who she trusts. We have had several speed bumps since Christmas. I thought things were getting better “slowly” but last week all of a sudden she told me she felt numb and felt like we were 2 people living under the same roof. This came after a week that i thought was pretty good. Last week i also thought was really good then this weekend she totally put up a wall. I have told her several times that i need her to be more affectionate like she was when we first got married. She will not hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle, ect… anymore and that was what i missed. She tells me she wants things to get back to the way they were but will not tell me what she thinks we need to do to get there. I have been trying everything i know to do but nothing seems to work. We have not had sex in a month and only 3 times in the last 3 months none of which i felt like she was into. Her family has a long history of divorce and i am afraid she has that on her mind where no one in my family has divorced. The thought of that kills me because we have been happy until recently and also because i can not imagine living away from my little girl. I have asked several times that she go to counseling with me but she refuses. I have been 1 time by myself but she will not go with me. I am out of ideas and really need some advise on how to get her to open up and try to get better. She is a very pessimistic person and i am an optimist. I feel like we would quickly get better if she would try but do not know how to get her to knock that wall down. I have sent cards, flowers, gifts, taken her stuff to eat and drink at work but nothing seems to work. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.”
- Brian (35, Elk City, Ok)
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Brian,
I know this has to be hard specially with a new baby (Congrats by the way). I would first stop with all the gifts you do not want her to think that you can buy her affection or that a stuffed animal lunch and some flowers are just gonna magically make everything better. I would sit down by myself and I would write down why I loved my wife and where I want my marrige to be and then I would write what it would take to get there. Then I would take it to her and share with her what you were feeling. I would maybe seek a marraige coach instead of therapy. you need to ask her with all sincerity what “the way it was before means” ask her to show you or talk to you about it because you cannot find your way there on your own. A new baby can be very overwhelming she might be facing depression without even realizing it. Good luck my friend remember when it comes to a good relationship the book “Finding Your True North” has a line that say’s “show her comfort without judgment, compassion without expectation, and love without measure” dont give up and God speed my friend
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