Upon further review of your question, Terry, I must say that MAYBE I was a little bit harsh in my response/advice. I STILL say it’s SUSPECT, but I won’t say it’s QUITE as cut & dry as I initially THOUGHT it was. So, forgive me.

HOWEVER, he STILL isn’t ANSWERING you about the text messages which is a RED FLAG, and shows NO RESPECT TO YOU. So DO keep that in MIND.

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Dear Terry,

Whether he’s actually having sex with this woman is not something I can speculate about BUT there’s at least a flirtation and he may be playing with fire. What you don’t say is whether the behavior continues to this day. If it has stopped, then unless you have any other evidence to the contrary, you have to accept his explanation. If you and he have an agreement of exclusiveness and fidelity, then what’s more troubling is his playing around the edges of that agreement. Before you walk down the aisle, be sure that you and he both understand what your agreement is and that you are both willing to keep that agreement is deed and in spirit.

Shela Dean
Relationship Coach, Speaker & Bestselling Author
http://www.ShelaDean.com

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Terry,

It is impossible to say for sure but it’s a reasonable guess that chicken wings aren’t the only thing he’s eating at that Hooters. My worldview is based entirely on evolution. ALL mammals where the male outsizes the female are serially monogamous at best, period. That means every single species. Humans share 98.5%of our DNA with chimpanzees and bonobos, and both species are philanderers par excellence. Thus, it is simply ludicrous to think that any amount of religion, laws, morality, etc. will keep people (either men or women) faithful “until death do us part.” That is just wishful thinking that is responsible for a good deal of the misery in this world. This is why I exhort people to set all that aside and come up with a mutually agreeable system where both can have their fun within mutually acceptable limits. It is both possible and likely that he is having sex with the waitress while also genuinely loving you because sex and love are two entirely different things.

This point of view may be hard to accept and many experts will disagree… however if you look at the experts who disagree, they are looking at the human animal as a species unto itself in isolation and applying norms based on ideals of morality that ultimately trace their back to religion. In other words, any opinion that humans are monogamous by nature or that we can and should set aside our animal nature are not based on any science that looks at the bigger picture to see humans as just another species of primate.

Thus, my problem IS NOT with the sex itself. My problem is with the apparent dishonesty and evasion (probably caused by trying to both satisfy his animal urges while also giving the appearance of conforming to ridiculous socioreligious mores). THAT is where the cheating comes in and THAT is what’s wrong with this picture. But, when you think about it objectively, can you blame him?

So, you have a choice:

A) Do nothing. This is unacceptable because you posted for help.

B) End the relationship. If he is really a good guy in ALL other respects then you’re throwing out the baby with the bathwater. If there are other serious issues, then best to cut it off now.

C) Confront him and find a way to satisfy BOTH of your animal urges within the context of a mutually loving relationship where nothing has to be hidden. This is a very difficult thing to pull off… but if you can do it, then you will have the relationship you want with a great partner and the ability to honor millions of years of evolution at the same time.

Up to you.

Anthony Hernandez
http://www.theenlightenedsavage.com

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