Sara Asked:
“I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. At the start of our relationship everything was fine, we were great for a year really but within that first year I found out he wacthed porn I told him my feelings about this, It’s so disrespectful to women, and we had our first rough pacth and he said he wouldn’t watch it again. About a year and a half in I find out again that he has been watching it, this time it’s a bigger issue, we had a really big talk about it and the fact that he’d been keeping it from me. He also told me that he liked other girls and imagined getting together with someone although he was with me =O We had a rough patch for about 2 months then everything was fine again and great still apart from this.
Now here comes the BIG one. We’re 2 years and 3 months in, he’s just had his birthday, I asked him how he was getting on with not watching it anymore, and he blurted out again that he still was, more so than ever, even though we had sex nearly all the time we saw each other. I was mad, upset, and I couldn’t trust him, I don’t think I do today, after 2 months after this we decided to move in together, and we were quite bad shouting at each other all the time and me not trusting him and hating him, but knowing that deep down I loved him.
Now, I know he’s been faithful and hasn’t wacthed porn etc.. but I feel hate towards him, And everytime I say ‘i love you’ I’m not sure whether i mean it or not anymore, for the past 6 months I’ve been feeling like this. I don’t know what to do. We’re working throgh a relationship’s in conflict book, but nothing so far seems to have come from it except that his anger has got worse, and my shouting has too.
What should I do? I’m confused and need advice, I think I love him, but because of being so hurt in the past I don’t know how much longer this will last..”
- Sara (20, Birmingham, USA)
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To all the people that have left me comments. Thank you for anwering me.
We moved in too fast we both agree with that, and we both no that if we didn’t we would not be together now. But we have been living together for 1 year now, and it is better than at the beginning but still rough patches (arguing like i started earlier).
Your right there is more beyond this, but the fact he does porn is very degrading, I don’t know why women do that to themsleves and simple that is my arguement. I’ve seen too much porn of what porn is to acknoledge it is any good. I don’t think men realise how much it can hurt women =/ I know my christian and atheist friends were all shocked at the fact. There possible is porn out there that isn’t degrading but it’s not what he used to watch.
I feel that I am very insecure, but this was only brought on when I asked and he told me, and maybe your right about me asking a question to start an arguement, I read in our book the other day how when everything goes right soemtimes it’s too good to be true, and sometimes people do silly things to start an arguement, I don’t know whether this makes any sense, but I feel I did exactly that.
But the thing is the porn is a big issue for me, in my past when I was 14 I was sexually abused and messed around with, I was stuck in this relationship because I couldn’t get out, I was scared and weak, and think the things he did made things like the issue of porn and looking at women even worse than it needs to be.
But I’m staying firm I hate it porn and my boyfriend watching it, and I asked him the questions because I didn’t want to be with a guy like that. He relieves himself over me and pictures, and videos we’ve made of ourselves I don’t think he needs the porn. This is why it’s so upsetting.
I will continue to work on our book, and we do talk openily to one another about all this now, and he knows I feel this way about all the things I have told you. I an going to take some of your advice not all, the porn thing is not neccessary; even for men who are visual creatures, I don’t believe that they have to look at others and watch porn to relieve themselves sexually, I’m no sex therapist or anything like that but I have the right to disagree.
Thank you for your time, I will get some professional help.
Sara
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