Apr 16

2010

Ask Our Relationship Experts: My boyfriend abuses me, but I have nowhere to go.

Written by    Category: Ask Our Experts, Dating, Dating Disasters, For Your Consideration, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Women's Dating Tips    Tags: , , , , , , , ,    

advice.lovedetour.com Ask Our Relationship Experts: My boyfriend abuses me, but I have nowhere to go. askourexperts2 imageUnknown Asked:

“i have a 9 month old son with my boyfriend that i currently live with. i’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. he never says i’m pretty like he used to. he’s always sneeking into myspace. he say i’m a whore, cunt, bitch fat, ugly. he’s really jealous. he treats me really bad. he hits me at times, he grabs objects and throws them at me… he often says he wants to kill me.. but this is the thing. i have no family nor friends to turn to or live with.. so i’m stuck with him.. i go to school full time but don’t work.. i want to leave but dont know the first move… how do i get out of my situation?”

- Unknown (20)


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Gina Landeau Said,
April 20th, 2010 @8:59 am  

Hi Unknown

There are alot of choices out there for you, but you must be strong enough for you and the baby to seek them out. You bf sound s like a jerk and I’m afraid this situation can only get worse! Please talk to a counsler at school, seek out help…you are never stuck in relationship…find the courage to make the changes and Do It Now!

Women always feel like they are powerless never imaginging that they have the strength to change their world at any moment and it begins by taking the first step…Find safety for you and the baby and get away from an abusive bf, before this esclates any further!

Good Luck
Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

HelloMsHeartbreak@yahoo.com

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Anthony Hernandez Said,
April 19th, 2010 @2:07 am  

I point out her responsibility for this mess to show her that she has the power to get herself out (since she did get herself in, after all) and someone else says she is such a “victim” that she should not get into a new relationship without a therapist’s permission.

And I’m the harsh one?

Anthony Hernandez
http://www.theenlightenedsavage.com

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C. J. Frost Said,
April 18th, 2010 @11:42 am  

Dear Unknown,
I’m sorry for your pain and what you are going through, but there is always a way out. Nomatter where you are at there are safe houses that you could call that could help you and your son. The main thing is that you stay single untill you change the way you see and feel about yourself. The only reason you are in this relationship then and now is probably because you do not believe that you deserve better for what ever reason. You dont think you could find better, you dont think you are pretty enough, or smart enough or what ever else you would like to fill in. It’s a lot to say and you should be proud that you are strong enough to even stay in school with all that you are going through. You need to learn to be on your own with your son and nobody else and concentrait on your school and career and a safehouse would allow you just that. Then you need to start changing your thought process on why you feel you need to be with that kind of person. We normally get what we are willing to settle for in relationships. If you want a healthy loving relationship then resolve yourself to haveing one. But start with you. Get your life in order for you and your son finish school and get a career the relationships part will take care of itself when you decide that you and your son desreve the best that God has to offer and are not willing to settle for less. Good luck and God speed

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Suzanne White Montiel Said,
April 18th, 2010 @11:07 am  

Dear Unknown,

If you are in the US there are abuse hot lines and battered women’s shelters. They are available to anyone, and are meant especially for those who don’t feel like they have options.

You have options. Please be strong and get away from your abuser. You should not have to put up with that behavior.

Sincerely,

Suzanne White Montiel
SF Sex and Relationships Examiner
http://www.examiner.com/x-14163-SF-Sex-and-Relationships-Examiner

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mygif
lauratyndall Said,
April 17th, 2010 @11:11 pm  

I feel like Anthony Hernandez was quite harsh in his statements. As for my opinion: I would like to say that you are NOT alone. There have been and most likely still are people in the same situation as yourself. I would suggest you seek out some sort of care from a battered women’s shelter or social services. This could be done by taking a stroll to your local hospital or clinic and asking to speak with a social worker on duty for some advice. If that person isn’t able to help you, they will point you in the direction of someone who can. Once you are away from your boyfriend (and not making contact with him), I suggest that you invest in some counseling. As Anthony has stated above, you will have emotional baggage from this. But my opinion is that you do not get into another relationship until your therapist states that it is okay and not harmful at the time. This may take years. Please talk to someone. Anyone, for that matter. Heath care workers and social workers are demanded by state and federal laws to report abuse of any kind no matter if it’s suspicion or a confession. It must be reported and you WILL receive care or they will point you in the direction of someone who can care for you and your child. Good luck. Be strong! Get out NOW.

http://ltyndall.blogspot.com/

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Anthony Hernandez Said,
April 16th, 2010 @8:42 pm  

I have nothing to add in the way of resources that have not been mentioned above.

However, I can say that the simple fact is that YOU created this situation for yourself. YOU allowed yourself to get pregnant, YOU cast your lot with this guy, YOU made it so you think you have no place to turn. If you want to know who is responsible 100% for your situation, look in your mirror. Your boyfriend is responsible for his behavior but you and you alone are responsible for getting yourself into this situation.

I know this sounds like I am rubbing your nose in this and kicking you when you are down, and I am in a way. However, you MUST own your own responsibility and MUST see how YOU AND YOU ALONE got yourself into this mess. Why? Because that is the ONLY way for you to own the power to get yourself out.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances get into another relationship unless and until you have learned to accept and love yourself for who you are, unconditionally. This will take AT LEAST ten years of active searching and probably longer since you decided to have a child so young. The sad fact is that you can never get more love and respect from someone than you have for yourself. The fact that you are in an abusive relationship is proof positive that you have very little self love or self respect. People are amazingly consistent and I can all but guarantee you that the warning signs were there long before your situation got this bad. You chose not to see or heed them and here you are.

So… use the resources outlined above and take what I said to heart because that is the only way to avoid getting into a repeat of this mess. Own your responsibility and you will find the power. There is no other way.

Anthony Hernandez
http://www.theenlightenedsavage.com

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Melanie J. Davis, EdD, CSE Said,
April 16th, 2010 @6:14 pm  

Dear Friend,
You’re going to school fulltime while raising a child, maintaining a home and dealing with tremendous stress. You are very strong and capable, and you can manage without your partner, even though it may be difficult for you to recognize that at the moment.

In addition to the resources previously suggested, please consider finding a computer your boyfriend doesn’t use (so he can’t track your viewing history), and visit the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at http://www.ndvh.org/ Or call the hot line at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or, if you’re deaf, 1.800.787.3224 (TTY). You’ll find resources in your area.

If your town lacks resources, check your county’s resources. Hospitals and schools have social workers who can guide you, and ministers, rabbis and other clergy may be able to help as well. The police can help, too.

You are in a stressful, sad place now, but you and your son can have a safe, bright future. It’s not going to be easy getting there, but you will.

Melanie Davis, EdD, CSE

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Jason Love Said,
April 16th, 2010 @6:10 pm  

This is a hard one. One, because you have a child to consider, and two, because you don’t have any family or friends.

Are you sure you don’t have ANYBODY you can turn to, or are you just not CLOSE with your family? There has to be SOMEBODY that would help you out, or at LEAST take your SON in, while YOU try to make another plan (especially if they knew what was going ON over there).

Sure, they may say “We told you that guy was no good” etc. but I’m sure they wouldn’t just let your kid be stuck in such a horrible situation. Now, if they WON’T help, there are OTHER options:

You say you go to school full time, which means you DO get OUT. So why not try to make some friends with people at school? This gives you a better chance of being helped out later ON if you need it.

Also, calling the police is an option. I know YOU may think it’s a BAD option, but if it can get him put in jail (WITHOUT you dropping the CHARGES) it’s better than continuing to live in that hell hole with him. But BE CAREFUL. Because if he DOESN’T get locked up, or if they DO let him out, you don’t want him to take it out on you.

As for the name calling, it’s not true. If he REALLY thought you were fat and ugly, he wouldn’t even BE with you. He’s only SAYING that because he knows it’ll lower your self-esteem and prevent you from thinking other guys will want you. But the TRUTH is, you could probably get TONS of better guys than him. He just doesn’t WANT you to. So, he makes you think you’re too ugly to GET anybody else. Again, don’t believe it. Do NOT fall for it. It’s a manipulation tactic.

If you need ANYMORE help, AT all, EMAIL ME:

JayTheAdviceMan@aol.com

and I will get back to you ASAP. Good luck!

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John Wilder Said,
April 16th, 2010 @5:42 pm  

Dear Unknown:

There is much more help than you realize. There are battered women’s shelters that can house you until you get on welfare and Section 8 housing. You need to call the police the next time that he hits you and press charges. The police can hook you up with a social worker who can help you access resources for you and your child. You are also qualified for Food Stamps. Don’t stay with an abuser because it always gets worse. You have a child that you need to protect and care for. You can’t do that if he puts you in the hospital and then your child is left with the abuser.

Blessings on you and yours

marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

marriagecoach1.wordpress.com blog

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Robbie Lee Said,
April 16th, 2010 @8:44 am  

Hi…It is terrible that you are going through such physical and mental abuse. Your boyfriend definitely has issues that have nothing to do with you so don’t think it is your fault or that you are doing anything wrong and you do not deserve to be treated like that.

Although you don’t have family or friends to turn to, there are organizations that can help you. Your inquiry didn’t identify what area you live in, but here is an organization that may be able to help you find help in your area: http://www.supportnetwork.org/. Otherwise do an internet search for organizations or a woman’s shelter in your area.

Remove you and your child from the situation as soon as possible. In the meantime, maybe try to avoid being alone with him or avoid any confrontations.

Robbie Lee

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