Julie Asked:
“Should I just give up on him? My best friend and I have always been close. We always opened up to each other, and the way we act towards each other is, well, different. But there’s one catch– he’s gay. I decided to tell him I felt, anyways. And guess what! He loves me too, ‘so much’, and he couldn’t imagine never talking to me ever again. I’m his best friend.
So I realized he didn’t understand that much yet, so I decided to wait. But then one night came and something happened, he felt like no one loved or cared about him, so I opened up fully to him. I guess my friend talked to him, too, since he told me that she said we should both be together. I replied back telling him whatever he wants to do, it’s his choice. His answer was, “But I have a boyfriend.”
As long as he’s happy… I guess I’m happy too, right? I don’t want to be selfish. I always helped them whenever they had troubles, and not once did I ever tell his boyfriend what he did(he cheats).
Now… I don’t know anymore. Like I said, he was gay. But later on, he said he’s getting to the point where it seems like gender doesn’t matter anymore. Today, he told me about this girl. And how he felt like he caused her brain cancer, and that he loved her. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to help… But I was too depressed.
Lately I’ve been having no feelings whatsoever. If I smile, it only lasts for a couple of minutes. I barely laugh anymore. The only emotions I receive are depression and anger.
I just don’t really know what to do anymore. At times he would say the most sweetest stuff… Like how most guys would tell the girls they love most? But then later it’s as if that never happened.
I’m starting to believe he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t feel the same exact way. And me holding onto him is just hurting me even more.
I don’t know what to do anymore.”
- Julie (15, Denton, Texas)
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My answer is yes, my unrequited lovely. Give up. NOW. It seems you are deluding yourself. Unless you like the idea of spending your days feeling inadequate, insecure, apathetic, and trying to change someone into something they will never be—in this case, a straight guy. And you’re right; you are hurting both yourself and your friend. Teenage years are a particularly difficult and fragile time with regard to your developing identity and sexuality. That said, choices you make now often leave a strong, lasting impression and pave the way for future relationship behavior. I say, be strong, call a spade a spade and move on. Learn to love your friend for who and what he is, not who you want him to be, while at the same time recognizing this person cannot fulfill your needs and desires. Your grief will pass as it is a natural part of letting go. And you will love again. Except next time you will make certain that anyone you choose to love will be able to return it in kind—the essence and expression of loving yourself! In the meantime, pick up a copy of my book, Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers (or break your heart).
Blessings!
~Maryanne
http://maryannelive.com
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