Anne Asked:
“I met this wonderful man on Match.com and we really connected. He is 40. I am 32. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed alot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… (Although, I am getting much better… truly. I am making every effort to get healthy… for my sake, not his). I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. He seemed so sympathetic and understanding, though, and I really, REALLY like him. He has revealed alot of personal things about himself to me, too. I am finding myself caring very much about him. We even got very intimate physically very fast (though I haven’t slept with him yet… but we have come close). It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating. I fear that he was kind of freaked out by all my problems, as he has many issues of his own. He suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and is in between jobs at the moment. But I am very empathetic to his plight, I really am, but it doesn’t seem to help. He was married for 15 years and got divorced two years ago. I don’t think he is quite over that yet. He told me that he really has strong feelings for me and is very attracted to me, but he is afraid of hurting me because he thinks this will not work out in the end. But, I don’t agree. I think this could go somewhere (although, I know that there are no guarantees). We still talk (just chatting on facebook), and it seems that he is still interested (he tells me how much he likes me), but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”
- Anne (32, Los Angeles, CA)
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Dear Anne,
You can’t make him do anything. You have control only over your own actions.
Rather than try to convince him of anything, why not just continue to communicate with him as much as you can WITHOUT pushing? You needn’t convince him to “take a chance” on anything, only continue to chat with him casually, which will let him know that you’re looking to keep it relatively casual.
Whether he is “over” his ex-wife, the fact is that he was married for 15 years. My bet is that he wants to keep his life relatively uncomplicated while he figures out what the next chapter in his life will bring.
Finally, you may have over-shared, but so long as that is your inclination, it lets others know where you are emotionally, which may be a good thing.
Sincerely,
Suzanne White Montiel
SF Sex and Relationships Examiner
http://www.examiner.com/x-14163-SF-Sex-and-Relationships-Examiner
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