HI Jane

If you know what it feels like to be cheated on? Do you really want to be involved when someone else, who wants to cheat on their mate? Being single today is hard…be creative and find new ways to meet new people. How to tell if they are really single? The old fashion way…ask and more importantly observe if their words match their stories?

good luck

Gina Landeau

HelloMsHeartbreak@yahoo.com

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Dear Jane,

Of course two wrongs don’t make a right. And why would you even consider settling for someone who is already in a relationship? Regardless of his reasons for being unhappy in his relationship (which are between him and his wife) and even if his wife is OK with him seeing you (which is doubtful), is it really enough for you?

What I wonder is whether your self-esteem is where it should be. I can’t speak to your previous relationship(s) or speculate on why you were cheated on but I suggest you take a long, hard look at the guys you’ve been involved with and ask yourself if you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. Until you believe that you deserve the kind of relationship you want, you won’t have it. So, my suggestion is that you (1) stay far away from this guy and any other guy who’s in a relationship, and (2) you work on your self-esteem.

Shela Dean
Relationship Coach, Speaker & Bestselling Author
http://www.ShelaDean.com
http://www.FrequentForeplayMiles.com

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ALL mammal species where the male is bigger than the female pursue serial monogamy at best, and most practice “mixed” strategies that involve a main partner with a little on the side. There are no exceptions and it’s therefore ludicrous and misguided to think that humans are somehow above all of this just because we have slightly larger neocortexes/frontal brain lobes. Thousands of years of religion, laws, and mores haven’t slowed us down a bit… in fact, the tighter the fist clenches around certain behaviors, the more they occur, as evidence by the dismal failure of abstinence programs. In fact, religions use our sex drives to our advantage by allowing rape, adultery, etc. in wartime. Want to get laid? fight for god!

So, the having sex “outside of the relationship” part is A-OK in my book. In fact, it’s the only way to preserve the primary relationship. Love and sex are separate things and it is perfectly possible to love someone totally while occasionally getting it on with someone else. I thus have no problem with the sex itself.

The “cheating” happens when people agree to A and do B. If the husband is not being truthful to the wife about seeing/sleeping with/etc. you, then that is the problem. Of course, can you really blame him when the first response of everyone from the other experts to most of society would rail against this?

You have a choice:

1) Stop seeing him. Online services like Match and eHarmony are GREAT places to meet new people.

2) See him and make sure the wife knows and is OK, and respect any limits the couple places on the relationship.

3) See him and feign ignorance.

Of the lot, my choices are #1 and #2. But that does not in any way alter our evolved instincts, which we are as powerless to change as a rock is to fly.

Anthony Hernandez
http://www.theenlightenedsavage.com

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