Eduardo Asked:

I am in love with a woman that says she is in love with me. We have been chatting on cam and without cam and also gave to each other our email and yahooIM username and password 3 weeks ago because she told me that she was insecure about me and I also about her but as I see it she was saying and acting in ways that seem she was having an interest on another man. Two days ago we talked about she feels that I do not trust and have confidence in her. I told her that when I ask her a specific question she answers with a question, she also jumps topics of what I am trying to talk to her about or when I notice what she says her actions do not agree, she avoids the question I have asked her, and say just enough by not being specific about questions I ask her. I also told her that her actions and avoiding specific questions when we are viewing each other on cam, that I notice her actions as if she is also viewing another male interest but she repeatedly tells me she is not. She ask me what do I want to happen with us by going on with our love and relationship and I told her that we should keep going and learn from the misunderstandings of what is happening with our views with each other and learn from it. She took a little while to answer the question and then said that she was confused and wish me happiness and health and could not tell me straight out that our relationship is at an end. I told her that if she wanted to delete her name from my yahoo IM then I left it up to her. We agree to break up, and when I signed out of the IM she signed in my IM and then I checked to see if she deleted name and she did not. Today she texts me telling me sorry that she is so guilty about what she said to me and ask for my forgiveness and it was ok if I could not then it is ok at least she already said sorry to me. I reply back to her text and told her that I have no reason to not forgive her, and she has the freedom to make the choices and find the answers she needs to know if she made the right decision for her and her daughter. I do not know what she wants from me, or even if she really loves me as she has told me before. I do not know what to expect or do next concerning how I feel and if I should give her as she told me just to love her. Can you help me understand what is going on with her, and give me some scenarios to help me?

- Eduardo (NY, USA)

Our Experts Responded:

Eduardo,

How old is this woman? I ask because, even though I ASSUME she’s OLDER, her ACTIONS are those of a CHILD. She’s avoiding certain questions, not answering fully, INDIRECTLY getting out of it, flipping shit around on you, etc. All that stuff tells me that she’s guilty of SOMETHING.

The thing IS, man, you’re no dummy. You SUSPECT it. And just because she DENIES it, DOESN’T mean you’re WRONG. It just means she doesn’t want you to KNOW. Just like female’s have their “woman’s intuition”, so do MEN. That’s not specifically related to one gender. EVERYBODY has a RADAR. It’s just that not everybody pays ATTENTION to that radar.

If you BOTH want things to work out, she’s gonna have to quit with the games and the BULLSHIT. She needs to be HONEST, upfront, straight-forward, and she needs to STOP turning shit AROUND on you, answering a question with a question. And YOU need to stop LETTING her do that. Be a man and TELL her it has to stop. The next time she answers your question with one of hers, you need to say “Don’t ignore MY question just to ask me your OWN. I asked you….” and then re-ask the QUESTION. If she STILL won’t answer you, say “Ok, this is going nowhere. Talk to me when you want to be honest and act your age. Later.” And then walk away (or hang up if you’re on the phone)

Also, if you have her PASSWORD, why don’t you go & check what she’s DOING? Check her EMAIL (specifically her OUTBOX to see her “sent mail.”) I WOULD say to check her YahooIM archives, but you can’t do that unless you’re on HER COMPUTER (it’s saved to the CPU, not the screen name) See what she’s UP to. If you don’t find anything, it doesn’t mean she’s not GUILTY, but it DOES mean you’re gonna have to start giving her the benefit of the DOUBT. Because at THAT point, you have no PROOF to back up your suspicions.

If you have anymore questions, just click my name and email me, man. Good luck.

- Jason Love

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Dear Eduardo,

I find it hard to believe that someone of your age and with the wisdom that normally comes with that age can possibly think of Internet chats and cam sessions as anything approaching a real relationship. Chatting is fine, cam sessions can be enjoyable, and having virtual sex with someone can be a lot of fun. It also lets someone fantasize about there being something “real” happening when there is nothing of the sort. Fantasy is all well and good… provided you never forget that a fantasy is only a fantasy. Problems start when you confuse fantasy with reality. Your “relationship” is pure fantasy. It’s an interactive fantasy because someone is responding to you (unlike a movie that is purely passive) but it is still a fantasy.

Change your IM password, break off all contact with this person, and go find some social activities where you can meet and mingle with people who share your interests and goals. Getting some new real friends will remove your need to have fantasy relationships and will eventually lead you to meet someone with whom you can have a real relationship.

- Anthony Hernandez

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Eduardo,

I’m sorry to hear about the confusion and stress that seemed to have put you through. Relationships are not easy, especially online relationships. Love is a very powerful word and is something that should not be thrown around. I have had my fair share of online relationships and they all ended in disaster. Typically when someone is easily on the defense of things, especially on the subject of cheating, then they really are guilty of something. When someone typically avoids a question then there is a reason why they don’t want to answer, perhaps the question has some truth in it. You deserve someone who is going to be honest with you and tell you what is going on and is real for you. Someone who is that quick to throw away something that could be potentially great, especially after they say they love you, really doesn’t. I know this is probably what you do not want to hear. I suggest going out and meeting people. Avoid any online romance with people you cannot meet face to face. Someone may seem like your Cinderella online, but would they be able to be your Cinderella at night when you both are cuddling in bed or on the couch watching tv? I hope this helped. Best wishes to you Eduardo!

Sincerely,
- Cole Harrell

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