Sad Asked:
“I met this guy 4 years ago and it was love at first sight, we were really close friends who talk about each and everything with one another, However after a year and a half due to work we lost touch with one another. I found someone who was really insecure and did not want me talking to any other guy besides him, so whenever my 1st friend called me my boyfriend would get really upset and angry so I decided to cut all communication period. About a 1yr and a 1/2 after we got back in contact and to my surprise my friend informed me he had a baby. I was in total shock and disbelieve, and since then we kept in touch. We even took our past friendship to a whole new level. But the thing is he is telling me we can’t have a full pledge relationship with me because of his girlfriend and the only reason they are still together it’s because of his daughter. But we sneak out and spend the night together and talk on the phone most of the day. He pledges his love to me and i happen to do the same. The situation is soooo messed up, however my boyfriend started abusing me so i called it quits with him. My friend is still with his baby mama and me, but i can’t understand why???”
- Sad(Trinidad)
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Sad,
Let it go my dear! I am thankful that you had the sense to get away from an abusive relationship! Don’t set yourself up for another heartbreak…live your life and know that you have the control and power to realize your dream just as you wish them to be! People love drama and will always tell you what you want to hear but at some point? You have to be strong enough to take control and decide what is best for you and not someone else! Words and wishes are easy enough but the truth lies in the power and action of the intent!
- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!
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Dear Sad,
You showed admirable courage in leaving your abusive, controlling boy friend. Now you must show equal if not more courage in dealing with this on again, off again relationship with the man who is also a father and living with another woman. You must ask yourself some hard questions, and be courageous enough to answer them as objectively as possible. You know the situation better than anyone else. Is the guy really still in love with you, or are you getting him back on the rebound because he is fed up with the mother of his child? You are probably feeling now the excitement of a live drama, because you think you want him and there seem to be barriers preventing both of you from living happily ever after. But ask yourself this: Will the excitement continue once you settle down with him–if you decide to settle down with him–and you have to face the daily grind of living together? And final question you must answer: If you get back together with him for good, will you be able to accept his daughter?
Best of luck
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough
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Dear Sad,
If this guy really was such a good friend then why would you ever consider giving that friendship up for some abusive asshole? If you were ‘just friends” then why would his having a baby with someone else be any kind of a problem for you? So now this “friend” is stuck in a bad relationship with the “baby mama” out of some misguided sense of duty without the balls to tell her that he’s unhappy? And now you are lying to him, your boyfriend and yourself by being the “other woman”?
Everyone in this situation is lying to everyone else and everyone in this situation is hurting everyone else. This is not love. It’s a bunch of people who are too afraid to be fully honest with the people they claim to care about the most. This is not about who is having sex with who because that just doesn’t matter. It’s about honesty. Without honesty, there is no respect. Without respect, there is no friendship. Without friendship, there is no real love. It’s that simple.
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Dear Sad,
YOUR situation is a CRAZY one. You have a possessive, obsessive boyfriend who abuses you (or DID, before you ended it) You have a male FRIEND who you are thinking you’re in LOVE with. This friend of yours HAS A GIRLFRIEND, and cheats on her with you, but won’t break up with her FOR you.
Now, I don’t know how things are in Trinidad, but when this happens in AMERICA, it’s a simple case of a man who wants to HAVE his cake, and EAT it, TOO. Which means he wants to have YOU on the SIDE (to have SEX with) AND have his FAMILY (his girlfriend and his DAUGHTER) as his main course. In America, this happens ALL THE TIME. And HERE, the woman would need to smarten up, REALIZE this, and END it. But where YOU live, I’m not sure how much women are allowed to “stand up” to the men. So I don’t wanna tell you anything that could get you hurt.
All I WILL say, is that this situation will NOT end WELL for you.
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Dear Sad,
The key to relationships is treating yourself with love and respect and expecting that same treatment in return. You appear to have a core belief that you do not deserve an emotionally healthy relationship and are attracted to the highs and lows of high chemistry relationships. I know right now because it is happening to you, this appears to be a very complicated matter. If you take a step back, you will see the common denominator is you. We like to believe that it is the other person who needs to conform their way of thinking, but in fact it is always about us – who we are attracting, the feelings associated with that attraction and those circumstances we are trying to recreate in our romantic relationships from childhood. You did make a decision to move forward with your life with someone else and then find it shocking that this man did the same. My advice is to stop seeing this man right now because he is clearly not available to you for a relationship. If you stay, all you will receive is the breadcrumbs – little moments here and there. I encourage you to examine why you believe this is acceptable behavior in your eyes. You are more than worthy of a relationship with a man who is happy to be with you full time in a committed relationship. Someone who loves only you. But first you need to do some emotional and spiritual work and figure out how you arrived at this place and start visualizing where you want to be in the future with the right person.
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