Oscar Asked:
“My wife is cheating with her co-worker and she told me it’s over and i talk her into giving us a second chance. She said she is confused and that she needs to find her self (be more independent, and weather she loves me or not) i’m very desperate and need guidance plz advice”
- Oscar
Our Experts Responded:
Oscar,
Sometimes when people need to gain perspective a helpful thing to do is to step back from the situation by going away on a journey or a retreat. Perhaps she needs time away. Her first step is to end things with the other man that she is involved with. Then she will have time to heal and think about the possibility of you and her. If she does not take time to end the affair, then you do not have a chance with her. This is going to take time for both you and her to heal and repair. She must take the first step of ending it.
- Jennifer Hope
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Dear Oscar,
It is very difficult for me to advise you because you have given so few details about your relationship. From what you have said, however, I don’t think your future with your wife looks very promising. She has already two-timed you with another man. You are the one who seems to want her back; you don’t say anything about her wanting to try to rebuild your marriage. You tell me she is confused and wants to have more time to herself, that is a very strong warning signal. It means she is not sure of her feelings for you. She may not love you anymore at all; she may still feel some attachment to you, but not enough to want to continue being your wife. I would suggest, then that you give her the time and the space to sort herself out. If, after a three-month period she is still confused and distant, then it would probably be wise to consider a divorce.
Best of luck
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough
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Dear Oscar,
You don’t say how long you and your wife have been together. Women just need attention and it is too easy for someone else to slip in the back door by telling them what they want to hear! Not realizing that everything comes full circle and what seems golden wears through and what lies underneath is not as golden as it seems! Remind her of what you have and the love you share. If you love her then fight for her!
- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!
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Dear Oscar,
Your desperation stems from your need to be in control of the situation and to have your wife accept you and the gut-wrenching fear that comes from knowing that you have neither. This makes a lot of sense that a person not in control is like a bit of driftwood in the open ocean at the mercy of wind and waves. People are social beings and any rejection or ostracism by any other person—no matter how richly deserved or how bad the current situation may be—is the most traumatic thing that can occur to anyone. The fact that you are facing both fears head on must be awful and I really feel for you. What’s worse is that these same fears are probably what got you into this mess to begin with.
The simple truth is that you are the only person you have control over in this or any situation. You must therefore take full responsibility (“response ability”) for yourself. You cannot control your wife, so don’t even bother trying. As the saying goes, if you love someone then set them free. As for acceptance, nobody can ever fully accept you unless and until you fully accept yourself. You need to let go of your fears and go with the flow. Begin by letting go of the idea that saving the relationship equals good and losing the relationship equals bad. This means losing your attachment to your sense of stability which is where the need for control comes in. Think of it this way: Even the best relationship imaginable could end at any moment. Every time the love of your life walks out the door could literally be the last time you see her because none of us knows how much time we have left on this planet. Stability is an illusion, control is an illusion, and you have neither. Nobody possesses stability and/or control. So stop trying to fool yourself into thinking you have some to lose. You have nothing to lose.
This is a lot less depressing than it sounds. Every day brings with it new blessings and new opportunities. The problem is that so many of us are so caught up in our needs for control and acceptance that we are unable to accept these miracles for what they are, if at all. Choose to accept your blessing in whatever form and be thankful for it, and your fears will vanish. If she stays with you then you will have the opportunity to build a new way of being with each other. If she leaves you then you will have the opportunity to find someone who will make your heart flutter every time you think about her, and here is a little secret for you: The more you truly love someone, the more OK you will be living in the moment and the more you will be OK with the idea of never seeing this person again. If my fiancée were to leave me today or if something terrible were to happen to either of us, then she and I will have shared over two years of absolute bliss and nothing—NOTHING—can ever take that away from either of us.
Reaching that point of total acceptance is a lifelong journey of surrendering yourself to whatever comes your way. Try this: Whenever something happens in your life, good or bad, big or small, say “I surrender” and be thankful for whatever it is. Whenever you feel down, say “I surrender” and remind yourself that things will work out as they are supposed to. Whenever you are happy, say “I surrender” and let yourself fully experience the joy of the moment. Keep doing this and the results will amaze you, whether or not you and your wife stay together.
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Oscar,
Men often misunderstand the relationship between a man and woman. A woman is a beautiful creature but what many guys never find out is that they often go their entire life without ever discovering the 1 thing that women want. The amazing thing is that the one thing women want is so easy to produce, if you understand it.
Women want attraction. Guys make the mistake of giving them security, giving them comfort and giving them compliments. I understand why guys do this, almost everyone on the planet is telling them it is correct. It might be correct for something…but that something is not making women happy in relationships.
I meet with people all the time who have their relationship in a mess. What these people very often refuse to do is admit their part in the situation. Every person, if they are to go on to amazing, exciting things must take responsibility for everything that happens in your life. If you can’t say that you, and you alone, are driving the boat then you’ll never drive toward your dreams.
You’re not creating attraction which is the ONLY ingredient any woman wants. It’s what they were made for. Creating attraction takes desire and know how, but if you have both it’s fairly easy. You can begin here, Tips for Flirting with Women.
Good luck.
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Dear Oscar,
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times: You cannot make somebody love you again (or even for the FIRST time). However, that doesn’t mean that you’re out of luck. At least not yet.
Your woman was cheating on you, why? Examine everything and figure out (or ask her) what it was, that made her cheat. Could it have been prevented? Was it just her being attracted to another male and not caring about her marriage vows? Was she lacking something at home? Is your sex life bad? Are you a bad husband? Do you show her enough attention? Ask yourself these questions.
Once you’ve answered those questions (and determined that you did not cause her to cheat) then think about how your wife could do something like that to you and why you would want a woman who could do that to you without ever knowing if she loves you or not. I know you love her. So, of course, I know why you want to make it work, but the question is, does she want to make it work? If not, then all it’s gonna do is hurt you in the long run, Oscar, because you’ll try and try, only for her to say she wants out and that will kill you a second time.
So, will all your effort be for nothing? Will she still wanna leave you anyway? If so, why put yourself through that? I’d say, if she doesn’t make up her mind soon, it is best for you to just let her go. Tell her that it takes two people to make a marriage work and that if she’s not going to try, it’s pointless to keep doing this same old song & dance. If anything, she should be the one asking you to try again after cheating but I know you love her, so I understand why you’re trying. Tell her you’ve realized that you’re the only one trying here and that you can’t make the relationship work alone.
After that see if she stops you or begs you for another chance. See if she even cares that you’re fed up. If she doesn’t seem to care, then it’s best that you find out now instead of waiting to learn this hard truth.
Let me know how it turns out in the next few weeks, man. Good luck.
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Dear Oscar,
It is always very difficult to go through this type of crisis in a marriage and I understand how painful it must be to find out your wife has been unfaithful. Because she is willing to give your relationship a chance, I encourage you to start fighting for your marriage and get to the heart of why she felt she was not getting the love, support and attention she desires within your relationship.
There is a void in her life and I believe that through marriage counseling you can work through these issues and build a stronger bond. Please take the initiative and do not delay – even if you begin working with a counselor alone at first. You need to be very proactive during this time so you can reach the goal of not only restoring your marriage, but building a solid and lasting foundation of mutual trust, love, respect and faith.
I believe that it is during these times that when you call out to God and sincerely ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance, you will receive the strength and direction you need in order to heal your marriage.
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