Raynur Asked:
“I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years. She was my high school sweetheart. Then, our relationship turned into a long-distance love since 4 years ago, in 2005.
However, recently she told me that she went for a date with a doctor (she is a nurse trainee) and it was unplanned. She even went out for a dinner with him. She told me she had fallen in love with the doctor and apparently the doctor had feelings for her. The catch is, on the way back to her dorm, she told the doctor, she got me. Meaning that, she is not available. The doctor accepted that and told her the best of luck with his boyfriend (that’s me). However, that encounter changed my GF’s heart. She was in dilemma, whether to keep me or to pursue the doctor’s love (the doctor does not want to have anything with her anymore since she told him she wasn’t available). Then, she felt very guilty for cheating on me, that’s why she told me quickly about the encounter. I refused to let her go but in the end, I learned that she was lonely. I ignored her and took her for granted. She is right. Being together for almost 6 years made me complacent. She said she loved me but the passion is not there. Her heart was divided now. She’s in love with two men but I feels that I’m going to be left out. I told her I want to change and I did. I showed her care, attention, etc. But in the end, she couldn’t make up her mind. She couldn’t rid of that doctor from her head, yet knowing the fact the doctor doesn’t love her. At the same time, she doesn’t want to lose me. I love her and I don’t want to lose this relationship too. Being together helps but it acts as a temporary solution. We went out together and even had sex last week but this week, she became confused again. She saw the doctor and she was hurt. Guilty for being unfaithful to me but in love with the doctor. I told her I’m willing to change to win her heart back but she just couldn’t let go of her guilt and starts over again. This week we will meet again and I try to mend our broken relationship again. Do I have to repair my relationship because at the same time, I know I’m no match for this doctor. He is closer to her than I do because by the end of this month, I’m going back to my university. The closest man wins, that’s what people say. Is the relationship worth saving? She told me she loves me but when I asked her whether she’s going to work together with me to repair the relationship, she told me, “I will try.” One more thing: she told me she wants me back but was unsure whether she could stay faithful to me again. The affair was devastating for me and her.
I want to repair this relationship but is it worth it? I can’t control her because she will see the doctor at the hospital. It’s painful…please help…
1. Do I have to ask her to forget the doctor?
2. I can change for the good but is it worth it?
3. What if she is still unwilling to let go of her feelings for the doctor?
4. She said she wants me but her heart is divided. How am I going to heal that heart?
5. How to make her love me back as before?”
- Raynur(Malaysia)
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Raynur,
It really hurts to love someone who doesn’t love you in return. Despite what your girlfriend says about being in love with you, she’s obsessed with the doctor, and she will not be able to commit fully to you until she is relieved from that obsession. You can’t “make her love you back”; break off the relationship for good and all and spend time taking care of and getting to know yourself. I know it hurts, but you will find a woman who can love you with her whole heart, mind and soul. That’s what you deserve — don’t settle for less!
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Raynur,
Just going to answer your 5 questions.
1. Do I have to ask her to forget the doctor?
No. This will only push her into his arms. You have to pretend not to care. But that alone won’t do anything to help you either. But this way at least it won’t hurt your chances.
2. I can change for the good but is it worth it?
Changing for the good as you call it is not worth it. It will not work, will drive her away and will cause the speedy death of your relationship. Which you are already experiencing right now, having changed already. Doing the things she wants you to do will cause her to feel LESS attraction toward you. (Read: The Secret Power of the Alpha Male to Create Uncontrollable Reactions in Women)
3. What if she is still unwilling to let go of her feelings for the doctor?
She will not be. Everything you are doing is bolstering that in her. You see he has acted like he is willing to let it all go, while you have acted needy. One is extremely attractive to a woman and the other is poison. I’m sure you can work out which is which.
4. She said she wants me but her heart is divided. How am I going to heal that heart?
Her heart isn’t divided. Her body is COMMANDING her to be with the Doctor. Her mind feels like it OWES something to you. Do I need to tell you which one always wins? Do you really want a girl to be with you because she feels like she “owes” it to you? You are no longer creating attraction. The Doctor is. Guess what you need to do to start doing?
That’s right….
5. How to make her love me back as before?”
- Dan Hitt
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Dear Raynur,
The short answers to your questions are:
1: No.
2: Always.
3 through 5: You have zero control over any of this and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you will move on with your life.
OK, you’ve been together since you were 16 and have been apart for 2/3 of this entire time. All of this has happened during the time in your lives when you are dealing with your lives as you know them changing forever while also experiencing the most powerful hormonal urges you will ever experience in this lifetime. All of this leads to the tendency to make things seem far bigger than they actually are and to create soap operas out of nothing.
At your age, you should be out meeting people you can be with in person and experiencing the great game of life. The sooner you two let go of each other and get back to living your lives with people who are actually available, the happier you will be!
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Dear Raynur,
A long distance relationship definitely takes the commitment of both individuals in order to survive the separations. On one hand you naturally want to fight for your relationship because of the time you both have already invested in each other. Reading through your email, it appears that you need to ask yourself if you desire this relationship to continue because you truly love this woman or because it is familiar and comfortable. I encourage you not to base your decision on whether or not this doctor will ask her out again because that is really not the issue. Even if she decided she never wanted to go out with him again, she will find someone else like him eventually. She cannot tell you that she will be faithful and it appears her heart is not into making your relationship work. In my experience, it takes effort from both individuals to build a solid foundation for love. In essence, you need her cooperation so you could find a way to fall in love again.
In my opinion, there has been too much time apart for the relationship to survive and prosper. And no one can make someone return love that they do not feel anymore. Many times relationships offer lessons that you can take to future relationships, which is what I see here. I encourage you to take that desire to change for the good and incorporate that behavior in the way you treat women and into a future commitment. Being complacent and taking the one you love for granted is a sure way to bring any relationship to an end as you have experienced. Sometimes in love we end up learning the hard way and allow someone to fall out of love with us because of our treatment towards them. I know that this experience will allow you to grow emotionally and become sensitive to the needs and desire for connection that women want from the men they love.
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Dear Raynur,
You are clearly aware of your history of falling in love with people who are emotionally unavailable to you. This type of pattern often has its roots in low self-esteem. In other words, although you may not consciously be aware of it, your relationship patterns suggest you do not believe you are deserving and/or worthy of mature love. So even though you think you are desperately seeking love in all the wrong places, the heart of the matter is you do not believe you deserve anything better. Therefore, constantly trying to get love from all the wrong people, ends up giving you what you unconsciously believe you are deserving of – no love at all. Please try to improve your self-esteem and view your relationship issues not from the perspective of attracting the wrong people as much as believing in your own emotional attractiveness.
Building Together A Relationship Filled With Love, Heatlh & Wealth,
- Dr. Patty Ann
Dear Raynur,
Two old sayings came to mind upon reading your letter:
A: “You can’t FORCE someone to LOVE you (again).” If she is confused, unsure, and wondering about her feelings, and ultimately, her next decision, there’s nothing YOU can do to CHANGE it. You know WHY? Because the more YOU TRY, sure, it MAY make her do right by you, and give the relationship another try, BUT, she will ALWAYS LUST after the OTHER guy. The doctor will always be on her MIND, he will consume her THOUGHTS, and he will be in her HEART the whole time she is trying to make it work with you. WHY? Because YOU are more of an OBLIGATION, and a COMFORT ZONE to her. You’re FAMILIAR and she LOVES you, but she does NOT see you the same way she sees that DOCTOR guy. She WANTS HIM. Which brings me to the SECOND “old saying” I thought of…
B: “If you love someone, let them go, and SEE if they come BACK to you.” Now, as HARD as it is to DO, this MAY be your only OPTION. Because YOU’RE gonna be DEVASTATED, if you try, try, & TRY, only to be DUMPED for the DOCTOR guy. RIGHT? So maybe YOUR solution is to end things BEFORE she does. Make her chase YOU if she’s interested. If she TRULY LOVES you, she will NOT let you go without a FIGHT. (Not for LONG anyway) BUT, if you’re NOT her main priority, and the DOCTOR is, then she’s probably gonna focus her attention on HIM, UNTIL she finds out whether HE WANTS her or not. If he DOES, she’ll be with HIM. If he DOESN’T, she’ll be running back to YOU. Trust me. I know.
If she chases you down with calls & letters & visits, etc. saying “Oh Raynur, I need you. I’m sorry. I miss & love you so MUCH”, it’ll ONLY BE, because THAT guy (the doctor) either TURNED her down, HURT her, or ISN’T AVAILABLE. That’s when she’ll chase you. But, do you really wanna play the second fiddle anyway? If you DO, you might as well let her have her cake and eat it TOO, if you’re THAT desperate. Meaning, let her have you AND the doctor. But I DON’T think your dignity will ALLOW it (which I UNDERSTAND)
So YOU have to decide, whether or not you want her to choose you out of LOVE, or by DEFAULT (because her other option is GONE) Instead of fighting like you HAVE been, and NOT GETTING anywhere, it’s time to let HER make the decision. Focus on school, and “do you” as we like to call it. Focus on yourself, open yourself up to the possibility of dating other females, etc. Then, if she COMES back to you, it’s on HER to prove herself. Let HER be the one to show you that she deserves another chance.
Now, DID you do wrong, by getting complacent? Yeah, you did. But that’s water under the bridge now. Follow my advice, and hope for the best. You’ve tried. Now it’s up to her. Good luck.
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You know, the sooner you stop this drama, the happier you will feel.
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