Nadin Asked:

“my boyfriend says he loves me, his actions show it too, he’s very caring and protective of me and he talks about me in his future alot and says that us married with a great family forever is what’s going to make him the happiest and most satisfied man alive .. but he had an X-gf who passed away.. she actually was my best friend, and i introduced them, they only met once and then she left town, they stayed together for only a month and then passed away .. tho a short relation, he loved her very much, i was there and i saw everything that happened with them and i helped them out alot.. he loved her very very much and she changed him alot.. now sometimes when he’s depressed, he just closes up on himself and doesnt talk to anyone even me and remembers her,, sometimes i just cant help think that he may still have feelings for her.. but if he does, how come he loves me like he says? i know he loves me, it’s proven in his every little action.. but sometimes i feel like he still has issues with her death and i dont know what to do, i just back away and give him his time at these times, but if he still has issues should i just leave him? we talked and he said that some things are over to him, especially that he found out a couple of things that hurt him about her.. i dont knw what shd i do? am not jealous of her she was my best friend and she’s dead, i just need to do what’s best for him and i need to know if it’s true that he loves me or not.. should we go on or should i just back away if it’s better for him,, i really wish i could do the best thing for him but i just can’t figure it out.. i need help with that .. please…
o and btw.. i never asked him for anything,. not for a relation or a date .. i didn’t even try to have any sort of relation with him, it was all his effort from the start, he was the one who asked me out a couple of times at the begging and he was the one who started with the word i love u, and he says it all the time, every single day, even when i dont reply it back, he tells me he loves me, does he really? he’s an amazing guy, i cant and dont want to lose him, but i would if it’s necessary for him ..”

- Natin (Cario, Egypt)

Our Experts Responded:

Dear Nadin,

It is tragic that your best friend passed away at such a young age and I’m sure that you are also grieving her death. As your intuition is telling you, your boyfriend’s love for you is not genuine at this point.  Many times when people pass away suddenly, the survivors look to common friends in order to stabilize themselves.  It is my belief that your boyfriend is definitely in mourning and needs time alone to work through his feelings of grief.  What he is experiencing is perfectly normal, but he is not in a good emotional place to start a committed relationship with you – or anyone else.  I suggest that you take a break from each other and allow him the time and space he needs to process those feelings.  If your relationship with each other is meant to be, then that door to real and lasting love will open. You want to base any potential relationship with this guy from an emotionally healthy place and right now, he’s not there.  You deserve to have genuine love in your life with a man in which you are sure  if his love, and do not have any lingering doubts of that love.  I also encourage you as hard as it may be to move forward with your life and not place yourself on hold, waiting for him to work through those feelings.  Mourning is different for everyone, and there is not a set time frame.  Right now, he is living in the past and allowing his thoughts to go to what could have been with this young woman. Although you see him as an amazing guy and understandably do not want to let the relationship go, at this point, it is the only way for him face the past and work through his sorrow.

- Nancy Pina

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Dear Nadin:

Your boyfriend has a real problem, and until he has the courage and will to resolve it, I’m afraid that your relationship with him will be a very rock and unstable one. Although the girl he loved is now deceased, he obviously hasn’t gotten over her death nor has she stopped obsessing him. I think the girl who was also your best friend is like a fantom hovering over your relationship with this man and even standing between the two of you. I think he is sincere when he says he loves you; but the frequency with which he repeats these words suggests to me that he is still trying to exorcize the influence his deceasesd girlfriend she exerts over him beyond the grave. He is still torn between the two of you, one dead, the other very much alive. Here is what you must do: have a heart-to-heart discussion with him, with no hold barred. Tell him that he MUST have the courage to move on. He can cherish the past, but absolutely has to live in the present and future. Tell him that you do not want a fantom standing between the two of you. If he is incapable of getting over his loss, inform him that you do not want to be part of a bizarre “ménage à trois” as the French would call it. The expression means an intimate relationship involving three, rather than two people, and as you probably know very well yourself, three into two doesn’t work out very well.

The best of luck to you

- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel, Getting Enough

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Dear Natin,

I am reasonably sure that he does love you, as he says. I am also sure that he is still heartbroken over your friend’s death.

The best thing you can do is give him time to heal without adding any more pressure on him or on yourself. Trying to have a relationship now would only end up hurting both of you. As the saying goes, “if you love someone, set them free.” This means you need to give him total freedom to do whatever he is going to do. You also need to give yourself freedom. Remember that if you do truly love him then it won’t matter one bit if he is “with” you or not. The secret is to love purely and to let go of desires and expectations. If you EXPECT or WANT something, then the best you can do is meet your expectations… and the worst you can do is suffer the “loss” of not having those “needs” met. If you are totally free of desire and want for him or anything, then the worst that can happen is nothing… and the best that can happen may be to finally get together with this man… or not. Let go of him completely and accept whatever comes, and you will be happy no matter what.

- Anthony Hernandez

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Dear Nadin,

He probably is missing her, and so he is retreating within. Sometimes, to help process the feeling of loss, it helps to express it in some way, perhaps by writing something, painting something or making something. When there is that feeling of loss, we have to give ourselves time to mourn our loss. Can you try him on journalling or perhaps there may even be music that he connects with?

- Jennifer Hope

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Hi Nadin,

Your question leads to many other important questons.  For example, how long ago did your boyfriend’s ex pass away? You said they only dated for a month? Were they really dating or just developing good friendship?

Regardless, it seems to me your boyfriend is still mourning the loss of your mutual friend.  I do not want to sound callous, however, it is impossible to compete with anyone once they have passed away. Death has a way of making us remember all the wonder qualities about our loved one while forgetting the less than favorable ones. This is especially true when death comes prematurely, as it did for this young woman.

My suggestion is to allow your boyfriend some space to mourn this loss. Perhaps remain his friends but allow both him and yourself some time to sort out the emotional confusion related to this woman’s passing. At a later time, you might be able to re-engage in a much healthier relationship where this “ghost” is not in the middle of your relationship.

Please check out my free relationship advice e-zine @ www.relationshiptoolbox.com for more information on

Building Together a Relationship

- Dr. Patty Ann

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Dear Nadin,

You have a very delicate situation at hand! Though he lost his GF to death, there will always be some type of tie to her! He may carry this around for days, months, years. It all depends how strong of character he is. Does he love you is your question? I believe that the 2 of you share a love but can it become more? That I can’t answer…I am sorry…he loved his GF very deeply and her death has affected him in ways, one cannot imagine. It could also be that every time he sees you, he remembers her. Since you introduced them and had a close friendship with them both.

I would give him some space and let him know that you are there for him…let him clear his mind a little before trying to persue a relationship with him. Otherwise I am afraid you will get burned on a rebound. He will always love his GF, even in death that love remains. If he tells you he loves you? Then it is possible that he has feelings for you, but does he love you or is he in love with you?

The love that the 2 of you will build, if you move forward toward a relationship. Will certainly be different then what he shared with his GF. But that does not mean that he is not capable of loving as much or as deeply! We all have experienced different levels or intensity of love in our lives. Sometimes it is what we hold on to that stops us for living a life that could be full of love, hope and dreams! The question remains and can only be answered by him as time passes…be there as a friend and be cautious about your feelings and his…this is a painful time and you might be turning to each other for comfort. But it may not be enough to build a relationship on. Communication, time and space will reveal what fate holds for the 2 of you.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the patience and clarity of heart and mind as you deal with this difficult issue! I am not saying give up! But I am telling only time will tell!

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms. Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

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Nadin,

Giving him space is definitely a great idea but you also need to be there for him when he’s ready. Even if you want to break it off, being there for him would be the most selfless thing you can do. You may have known her but neither one of you knew her the way the other person has. Don’t worry about your own confusion or needs right now. What’s important is that he gets the time he needs to get past all the disillusionment that he may be feeling right now. I know it may be a little frustrating but this is a loving person who has a lot to give. You may not be used to knowing someone who’s loved more then one person but it happens. If you’re willing to accept his love for all that it is and move past your own needs you might be able to love him as much as he loves you. A common saying here in the states is “the person who loves you and the person you love are never the same”. That may be why 1 out of 4 marriages fail. Maybe they’re just so self consumed that they don’t really take the time to get to know the other person and enjoy them for who they really are. Ask a lot of questions when he’s ready to talk and be ready to listen. Let him talk and try to get him out of the house as much as you can. Some Woman are the type to not put forth effort unless they see a positive outcome that benefits them. It’s in their nature to find a partner and to have kids but Its unfortunately a way of thinking that has had a real negative affect on history and on both genders. If you’re asking this question because you have someone else in mind and you’re just going to leave him anyway, don’t try to wait for a clean break or a way to place the blame on him. If that’s the case you should break up with him the next time you speak to him. He’s better off without you.

Take care,
- Bill Wilburn

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Dear Nadin,

Honestly, just because he has feelings for his ex who passed away, DOESN’T mean he can’t still love YOU.

It sounds to me like, whatever he found out about his ex girlfriend is hurting him for 2 reasons:

#1: It’s something negative. Think about it. If he truly loved her like you say, AND he thought she loved HIM, then a NEGATIVE secret (such as her cheating, lying, using him, etc.) would DEVASTATE him.

#2: She’s dead. So he can’t ASK her about it. Imagine finding out a deep dark secret about somebody you love, but they died right before it came to light. You’d want to TALK to them about it or ASK them about it just in case it wasn’t TRUE. But with HER, he CAN’T. So, it probably GETS to him sometimes. That’s heavy STUFF.

All in all, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means that these are issues that HE has to deal with, on his own, that you can’t HELP him with.

Then AGAIN, since she was YOUR BEST FRIEND, maybe you COULD help him. If he ever TALKS to you about the issues he’s having or the THINGS that he’s learned about her, maybe YOU can tell him which things were and were not TRUE. That way, you can EASE HIS MIND up some, and hopefully solve a little bit of the PROBLEM.

If NONE of that works, then give it still another few months. If you STILL feel left out in the cold, or shut out, or insecure about the way he’s feeling about her and her death, THEN consider breaking up. Or ASK him if whether or not he believes these issues for him are too deep-rooted to let GO of. If they ARE, THEN you can figure out your next move.

Good luck.

Anymore questions, feel free to message me.
(That goes for anyone. I love to help!)

- Jason Love

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Dear Nadin,

It’s possible that he loves you very much but is still hurting from your best friend/his girlfriend’s death. Some men get involved in relationships right after losing a partner in order to delay or deny their grief. Usually it doesn’t work, and he has to face the grief compounded with all the emotions that the new relationship stirs up. Give him space, be his friend if you can, but please take care of yourself first. Remember, she was your friend too, and you also need to grieve.

Be well,
- Meghan Donovan

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Dear Nadin,

I completely understand how you would doubt his feelings for you. You have made it clear that he was inloved with his ex. That kind of love does take a lot of time to get over, especially in a heartbreaking situation like a death. It seems he is slowly opening himself up more to you. Just keep giving him his space when he needs it and reassure him that you are here for him. Never leave his side. It may hurt a little that he shuts you out, but one day he will need that shoulder to lean on and he will need it to be your shoulder. Stay with him. Everything is going to work out. You have both lost someone very close to you. Everything takes time to heal.

- Cole Harrell

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