Jessica Asked:
“This guy that I like just recently agreed to be my boyfriend. The only problem is, we don’t live in the same state, neither of us have a car, and he seems to have lost his sex drive. I believe it may be because before we got together, whenever he wanted to engage in phone sex, I didn’t really give him the impression that I wanted it, though I did it anyway. So my question is, what are some things I can do to help him get his sex drive back, or what can I do to make him desire me again?”
- Jessica
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Jessica:
It seems to me that there is something very flawed about your relationship with this young man. You live apart and can’t see one another often. He wanted sex over the phone which you were reluctant to give, yet accepted nevertheless. This may be the problem. He may be sexually dysfunctional, and incapable of being aroused unless he can fantasize about a person at a distance. The only way to ascertain whether this is true, you must spend a weekend together. Try to convince him that you care for him very much and that you want to show your feelings in a very physical way. Encourage him any way you can. If he responds, you’ll know the relationship is real. If not, it would be best to look elsewhere.
Best of luck,
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough
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Dear Jessica,
OK let me get this straight: You live hundreds of miles away from each other, you can’t easily see each other, and you’re worried about his lost sex drive that you helped him lose by not being as into it as he is? You created a situation where you two can rarely be together and you just weren’t that into engaging in about the only form of anything resembling physical intimacy available to you… and you think that you have something worth saving? A 21 year old man needs about as much help “getting his sex drive back” as a forest fire needs gasoline. Face it, he’s just not that into you… which is fine because you’re just not that into him either. So what’s stopping you from finding someone a little more local? That’s the real issue here, in my never-humble opinion.
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Dear Jessica,
Sounds like you have quite a problem on your hands. Has this guy lost his sex drive COMPLETELY or just his interest in YOU? Because you mentioned phone sex, and how he used to always WANT it, but you kind of DIDN’T. If I were him, I would’ve lost interest, TOO. I’d suggest doing whatever it was that turned him on to you in the FIRST place. Try initiating phone sex, or the subjects he used to get off by. Trade nude pics, make videos, etc. Light a fire under him. If THAT ^^ doesn’t work, chances are, you missed the BOAT on THIS one, sweetie. Probably should have shown more interest before he went away. But the good news is, you said all this happened BEFORE you got together. So, if you hooked up even AFTER his disappointment, he obviously still liked something ELSE about you, DESPITE your lack of sexual energy.
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Dear Jessica,
Save yourself the heartache…long distance realtionship can work if you both want it to succeed. But it seems to me you are already at a loss and life as well as love is too precious to waste! This has nothing to do with sex drive…there is more to this story then meets the eye?
- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!
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Dear Jessica,
Long distance relationships are a challenge to keep alive at best and you give the impression that this guy really is not ready emotionally, physically or spiritually to engage in this type of commitment. I do encourage you to take a look at what you want out of a relationship and make definite goals about the type of person you want to attract into your life. Physical intimacy is something that should be shared within a marriage and it is through dating that you find a person who brings the qualities and characteristics that are appealing to you. There is nothing wrong about saving yourself for the right person and being committed to high standards for what you have to offer in a future committed relationship. Showing yourself respect is the only way to have other people treat you with respect. I know this may seem like a relationship to you, but it is not and you are too young to devote a lot of time, energy and effort into trying to make yourself into a fantasy image for this guy and engaging in activities you do not want to do. There is a wonderful guy who will love you as much as you love him and will not ask you to do things that are degrading and inappropriate.
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