Brendan Asked:
“So there is this girl at my church and I’m not sure if she likes me.. I’ve tried to watch her body language but I’m horrible at that kind of stuff. But i do notice that when i make dumb remarks to stuff (not intending to be funny/ trying) she either smiles or laughs.. my parents even think she likes me.. but she could act like this around all her friends i only really see her at church..
but the real reason why I’m unsure is because a couple years ago i asked her out via online (dumb mistake on my part.. should have asked in person) and she said maybe later.. she said she didn’t want the drama but maybe we could date later.. well i’ve waited.. but now that i think of it, was she just trying to say NO politely? do girls word it that way if they really mean no?,, also when i casually asked if she wanted to go to a movie she said that she needed a friend to go along to make her mom feel better about her going then she added in “even though were just friends”..
i wish it weren’t so confusing.. if you have anything to say about it, it would be greatly appreciated.. sorry if i didn’t give enough detail about stuff.. i’m horrible at writing stuff down as it come to my mind.”
- Brendan
Our Experts Responded:
Brendan,
Since the situation is confusing for you, let’s try to simplify it a bit: The main thing is that you are unsure of her interest in you, and you are afraid that you will be rejected by her. That’s right, isn’t it? This fear of rejection is a common human ailment – males, females, straight, gays; join the club, son! The sooner you get a handle on this tendency to, the better, so let’s consider it briefly.
You won’t know if she is “interested” unless you go find out. Fretting behind the scenes is just painful, right? For all you know, she may be “on the fence”; she could go either way depending on her experience of your next move. Rationally speaking, the thing to do is give it your best shot. Approach her and let the cards fall where they may. If you do this 10 times, with 10 different prospects, surely a few will be interested, right?
Unfortunately, we are not always rational about this matters. The more we are attracted to someone, the more we tend to feel emotionally at risk, as if her rejection of you would be a statement of your worthiness, of your attractiveness. This is what makes it so scary. But over time we begin to learn that how someone else experiences us is at least as much about them as it is about us. NO ONE is attractive to EVERYBODY (except maybe a monster like Brad Pit….). If you are a skinny kid, then there will be girls who go for that and girls who want a big guy instead. If you are blonde, some will go for that and others will prefer dark hair. If you are outgoing, some will go for that and others will prefer a shy boy. And so on. There is no way for anyone to appeal to all “market segments”, so get used to the fact that every time you approach someone, there is some chance you will get “rejected.” We tend to experience such a “rejection” as confirmation (to our ego) that we are worthless characters, whereas it is just the way things are!
Maybe you will have a relationship with this girl and maybe you won’t. Right now it seems like she is the center of the universe, so you feel very much at risk to approach her. But all of us have felt that way at some time, and all discover with time that it wasn’t true; another prospect comes up and you forget about your previous “one and only.” Think about this, Brendan – I didn’t meet my wife until I was 42!! Think about how many times, from the time I was your age until 42, I looked at a woman, thought “she is the one for me”, and then had my ass handed to me!”
That endless parade of girls I longed for – in retrospect we can see that each was in fact not “the one”. Instead, each was just the girl onto whom I was projecting at that moment the hope of being accepted. At what point do we wake up and get that the only real solution is to accept and love ourselves?
(Let me clear: When I was your age, I felt the same way you do. Looking back, I see I missed the boat. Looking back, I can see that there were PLENTY of girls who were interested in me, but since I was so busy fretting like you, I missed the vast majority of them. They walked by me as I worried about whether they were interested!)
Society teaches us to feel inadequate, unattractive, vulnerable to rejection. Get over it as soon as possible. None of us is Brad Pitt, so when it comes to attractivenss, play the hand you are dealt. Some girls will go for you and others will not. The only way to find out is to step forward and talk to them. Make it your goal to speak up and get “rejected” 10 times and see what you learn. Then write to us again and we will continue our discussion!
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Dear Brendan:
You have good reason to be uncertain whether this girl is interested in you beyond friends. You did not mention the type of church you attend and some families with such religious backgrounds, such as Catholicism, are strict when it comes to allowing their daughter to go out on dates. You also did not mention how old this girl is. Perhaps she is too young to be permitted to date boys yet. Some parents restrict dating until 17 or 18. Perhaps when she said she “didn’t want the drama and maybe you could date later” she was referring to disapproval from her parents. Since you only see her in church, perhaps there is a church function that you can attend that she is attending. The key would be to spend time with her in some sort of group then you can have some interaction with her, allowing her to get to know you a bit. Or maybe there is a way that you can find out what other activities she participates in, either in school or extra-curricular and take part in that; i.e.maybe she volunteers somewhere or works somewhere or plays a sport. Since it is possible that her parents do not allow her to date, you can hang out as friends and down the road perhaps her parents would be more comfortable with you dating their daughter. For now, friends may be your only option.
Good Luck-Cheers,
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Dear Brendan,
Do women say what they mean? Well, we would say yes, yes we do. But the challenge is that we do sometimes have our own language. We can be complex, I know this. It can be all very tricky, I see why you are confused. But as a rule, our language is in our face and our body language. So I ask you, when you think of your interactions with this girl, does she smile a genuine smile? Does she tilt her body towards you rather than away? Are her arms open or crossed? Does her eye contact seem to linger just a bit longer than someone elses? These are all signals, and sometimes they are missed.
Go back and think about your encounters with her, and see where she falls. You may be very pleasantly surprised. And even if she likes you as a friend, that’s a good thing – she likes you.
And lastly, I counted 2 “horribles” and 1 “dumb in your email. Try to relax and just be yourself. None of us are perfect when we try too hard, but we are usually pretty perfect versions of ourselves. Don’t put yourself down. Confidence is very attractive to women!
Good Luck!
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Dear Brendan,
Beginning relationship is hard at any age so don’t feel that you are alone. As always with my answers I find that honesty is the best way to approach anything. If you want to ask her out go for it, just walk right up and be yourself. Men and women alike hate phoney people so instead of wondering if she is going to say yes just ask. Then if it turns out she doesn’t want to go out the wait is over and believe me you are better off finding out straight up.
Good luck, Love and Light
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Dear Brendan,
Hello, Thank you for asking. It Sounds Like you have your foot in the door with the young lady. You have to charm her at this point with kind words not too many at one time, but each time you have the opportunity, complement her. Bring the words from you heart. This way she will allways remember you and she will smile each time she sees you. Stay busy with your life. Ladies like a go-getter not a dreamer. this is like a game of chess. You have to make the right moves to get her. Show her through your action that way she wants to be with you. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. Focus on you an dmake sure that you are successful and you will have the girl of your dreams. Remember you cannot miss something you never had and pay no attention to what you can’t have. Just live your life. You can’t please all the people all the time and the people you cannot please it is ok because someone is looking for you. FOCUS!!!
- Stanley Wilson
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Dear Brendan,
The only way you’re going to know if this girl is interested is to ask her out. As a former teenage girl (I turn 34 next month), I can vouch for the fact that as much as we seem to enjoy the “Does he or doesn’t he? Will he or won’t he?” drama, we really prefer it when a guy comes right out and asks us out or expresses his interest in some other way.
Also if you asked her out online “a couple of years ago,” she was probably telling the truth about not being ready or needing a friend to go along. (I assume you are the same age or close to it.) She may have liked you then, but how many parents of 14-15 year-old girls will want their daughter going out with a guy one-on-one?
Just ask her. If she says “No,” at least you’ll know; if she says “Yes,” you could have a lot of fun together. Good luck and enjoy yourself!
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Dear Brendan,
Unfortunately, Brendan, I don’t think she’s interested, my friend. I know you like her, and were hoping for a different response, but I just don’t see it. Now, I’m sure some will tell you to just “man up” and ask her out. (And it MIGHT not be a bad IDEA) However, I don’t believe this will get you anywhere with her. If a woman isn’t interested in you “like that”, asking her out won’t change that. She might see you as a cool guy, but not THAT type of guy. Not the type of guy she can see herself dating or sexually attracted to. Now, I could be wrong. But I don’t think I am. If she liked you in that way, you guys would be dating already by now. The movie comment she made was just the icing on the cake. You might just wanna chalk this one up as a loss, man. Treat her just like she’s an average member of your church, but nothing more. Who knows, she might eventually come to YOU showing interest. But until then, you shouldn’t.
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Brendan,
Don’t overthink this situation too much. If you like the girl, ask her out. It has been two years, not two days since you last approached her. A lot can change in two years.
So, take the plunge and ask this girl out…in person this time!
- Kim Hess
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Brendan,
I’m going to help you out. But first I’m going to say why my advice will work. I’ve done this. And I’ve helped people in exactly your situation. You lack knowledge, knowledge that I have. I’ve studied women, people, psychology, pack theory, string theory, attraction, distraction, fame, Alpha Males, Beta Males, females, and liar’s tales. People might disagree with some of the things I have to say but what I have to say works. It doesn’t work sometimes, it doesn’t work when things come together, if you follow my advice it works every time. 99% The more desperate you are to find something that will work the better my advice will work. There are few people that are going to tell you that. Most will offer advice that is difficult to understand and more difficult to use. They will repeat things that you’ve heard before and things that sound just like you’ve heard before.
Enough of that. Let’s start with figuring out how this girl feels about you.
Indicators of Interest – these are things female humans (some of them extend to other mammals and animals) do to show interest in a male. These are things to keep a watch for. You only need to see 5 of them to know she’s interested. Yup, only 5! I’ve kissed girls after five of these, within 30 minutes of meeting them.
-She flicks her hair
-She faces her body to you completely
-She scratches her wrist, forearm, neck or palm (yes, this is science…increased blood flow causes slight irritation in these areas!)
-She touches you for any reason
-She maintains eye contact
-She moves her eyes from your eyes to your lips and back (I just kiss when I see this and yes there is more science on her part…she’s checking to see if your lips are slightly open, slightly fuller because of blood flow or if you’re licking them)
-She laughs at your jokes
-She giggles (different than laughing…this is a much stronger reaction and can be considered 2 indicators of interest)
-Licks her lips
-After a pause in the conversation she tries to start it back up with a “So…” and then whatever
-She repeats parts of your sentences to show you she is listening
-Nods her head in agreement (if her body is completely facing you)
Now you know for sure. Yes, this girl you’re thinking of is exactly the same as every other girl. No, this girl is not different, at least not in this sense. And yes if she is giving you these indicators then she is interested…I guarantee that!
Let’s assume she does like you because if she doesn’t it’s going to be quite a bit more work. (if she isn’t giving you indicators of interest then e-mail me if you’d like a plan to win her over) But I digress…
So she likes you…
Now you want to take her out. You’re wondering how you ask her out. “Want to go to the movies?” “Would you like to go to dinner with me?” “What do you think about miniature golf?”
False, false and false!
You don’t ask her out. Trust me. She doesn’t want to be asked out. She wants to be attracted to you. First, let her know how much fun you are by casually telling her how much fun you had wherever you were (preferably with other girls). You can make going to the corner store sound fun, without fibbing at all. Just point out all the add things that happened and all the funny things that happened and exaggerate everything with large hand movements and big smiles.
This is attractive – Trust me, telling a good story is attractive and I can explain why but there is no reason for it. After you’ve communicated how fun you are you can casually mention that next time you do something fun you let her know so she can tag along. Just those words. It’ll work. Without explaining the reasoning behind it I’m giving you things to do that will be incredibly attractive to her.
Always smile and always tease. And always choose.
She wants to go to McDonalds? Do to Sonic. She wants steak, get her a cheese sandwich. Don’t be rude, just smile and tease her about it. How’s that cheese sandwich taste? She’ll love it. I know you feel the need to check what she wants but please don’t. She doesn’t want you to check. If she doesn’t want to hang out with you she will let you know. (by not taking your calls) Otherwise she would like you to show her a good time.
There’s your start.
- Dan Hitt
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