Rachel Asked:
“This might be long, so i’ll attempt to keep it as short as i can. I come from a very small town where unfortunately there is not much left in the “available” dept. in my theory that so far that has not been proven wrong there are only 3 types of guys left here in this town: 1. gay, 2. something mentally/psychologically wrong with them 3. they are single bc they want to be.
anways, bearing that in mind, i joined a dating site to try to meet someone different. a guy that i seemed-quazi interested in contacted me and we chatted quite a bit. i let him be the “one to persue” and we then talked on the phone several times before meeting. we seemed to get along well and i continued to let him be the one to contact me first and whatnot. i don’t want to seem needy/annoying/desperate. anyways, after telling me how interested he was and how he was wanting something “serious” with me, he then decides that maybe im not right for him bc of our “lack of common interests” but still wanted to be friends. i kind of thought it was a cop-out response and was surprised but i really liked talking to him (what guy talks to a girl for an hour or two every day? ) so i accepted the friends offer obviously knowing that i wanted more. he continues to give me mixed signals, letting me in one minute and then pushing me away the next. i know he is older with a “checkered player past” (hes 39 and divorced and im 25) but he says “hes different now” and admits hes afraid of letting someone in and states that i “get him like no one else ever has” and then 5 minutes later covers it up with a joke, a deflection, so forth. i guess my issue is whether i should believe those moments where he opens up and try to continue to talk to him and give it time without pressuring him to make a decision (its been about 2 months of this), or just chalk it up to once a player always a player and just accept that hes playing games with me just to get me to bed ( the guy has admitted that the worst thing a guy can do is give in easily and not be a “challenge” to a girl). if i didn’t enjoy his company so much i would say to heck with him, but like i said, small town, not much of a selection and darn it i am attracted and interested in the guy…anyways, just wondering which type of guy this seems to be and what whether i should stick with it or throw in the towel. thanks.”
- Rachel (WV, USA)
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Rachel,
Perhaps you should TALK to him and TELL him how you feel. It seems to me that BOTH of you are playing too many games. You’re so busy making him do all the work, contacting you all the time to “prove he’s interested”, when relationships don’t WORK like that. You BOTH need to put in effort. HE’S busy pushing and pulling, not letting you IN right away, which is causing problems.
You have two choices:
#1: You can tell the guy, “Look, Fred. Let’s stop playing games ok? We’re both too old for that. I like you, and you seem to like me, but sometimes I wonder. So why don’t we set all the garbage aside, and just be HONEST with one another. I’d like to take this further. Do YOU want to, or do you just want to be friends? Tell me once and for all, WITHOUT the mixed signals, and WITHOUT being scared, ok? If this is gonna work, you’re gonna have to let your GUARD down a little.”
After that ^^, see what he says.
If you like what you hear, give it a try. If not, you have to decide whether or not you can HANDLE just having a friendship with him. Unless of course, you secretly LIKE these games he’s playing with you. The fact that he’s mysterious, a challenge, and not totally predictable. If you LIKE that stuff, then keep doing what you’re DOING. If you’re NOT attracted to that, you have a SECOND option:
#2: Tell him that you’re looking for someone serious, NOT a GAMEPLAYER. And as much as you enjoy his company, maybe it SHOULD be only as a friend (and in small doses) because you two are OBVIOUSLY looking for two different things. And when he decides he wants to get serious, he can let you know. But you’re tired of the back and forth.
THIS way, YOU’RE the one in control. YOU’RE the one who decides where things go from here. It’s all a matter of how much his behavior is bothering you. If it bothers you a lot, and you don’t wanna deal with it any longer, then cut your losses. If you think he’s just AFRAID, and he has the POTENTIAL to be a good man, then you go with option #1. You know him better than me, so only you would know now which option to choose.
If you need anymore assistance, feel free to email me.
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Dear Rachel,
Put a straight man and a straight woman together on a deserted island long enough and they will eventually become a couple. This may even be true of bi and gay people but is certainly true of a straight pair. This has nothing to do with feelings or romance and everything to do with fundamental biological urges that have been evolving for almost 4 billion years. Similarly, your living in an area with very little selection makes you more apt to be attracted to guys that you would not even consider in a more populated area.
Human beings are very consistent creatures and patterns that begin in childhood will persist until death unless the person takes conscious action to change those patterns. Thus, the patterns you are seeing in this guy are probably the same patterns he’s exhibited in all of his past relationships… and all of those relationships seem to have ended badly. Simple statistics says that getting together with him will make you the next spin of the same old wheel.
Your attraction to him is chemical. People tend to be attracted to others whose genotypes are most unlike their own, because this offers the greatest chance of creating offspring with good genetic material. That “click” you felt when you first met him was your nose and most primitive parts of your brain detecting strong genetic differences and engaging your pleasure circuits. Opposites do attract in this manner… however, it is only those people whose genotypes are opposite but who share common interests, ethics, personalities, etc. that will have the most successful relationships. “Successful” in this case being defined by our cultural norm of happy, long-lasting relationships.
If that is how you define success and if that is the type of relationship you want, then I daresay that you’re best option is to let this fish go and move to a bigger pond. On the other hand, if you’re up for a good roll in the hay with absolutely no expectations of anything long-term or serious, then go ahead and enjoy!
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Dear Rachel,
I completely understand how you feel. I too have been down that same road. Feeling like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride full of flips, ups, downs and turns. My best advice I can give is to let him know how you feel. Tell him that you enjoy spending time with him but he clearly is not ready for a relationship. Tell him that you want to continue being his friend and if something grows from that down the road then great! In the mean time you shouldn’t put your life on hold for someone, even if the pickings in your town is very small. I do give you props, however, on letting him contact you and start the conversations first. I always felt that someone should just enjoy life and take it for what it is. If Mr. Right comes to you then great! There is nothing wrong with meeting new people, going out and chatting it up on a social network. Everything has a way of working out. Also; if you found this man in a town of small pickings, then there are more than likely more men out there. There is nothing wrong with going in and striking up a conversation with someone and taking things from there. I hope this helped and I look forward to hearing about how everything turns out. Have sunny days and starry nights!
Sincerely,
- Cole Harrell
Dear Rachel:
I feel real sympathy for you because the man you are dealing with has problems. There is a French expression that says “A scalded cat is afraid of cold water.” I have the impression this friend of yours is the proverbial scalded cat. He is hung up. On the one hand, he obviously enjoys his relationship with you and considers you quite special, since he speaks with you for an hour or so every day and maintains that no one has ever affected him as much as you do. On the other hand, he is afraid of opening up too much because he is very vulnerable to being hurt again. Perhaps his ex-wife debased him and so now he has to play hard-to-get for fear that you won’t respect him if he opens up too quickly. I would suggest you have a long discussion with him about where your relationship is headed. Don’t be afraid to put all your cards down on the table, and urge him to do the same. With a man as vacillating as he seems to be, the all-or-nothing approach might be the electric shock he needs. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you want a clear answer, otherwise you will consider your relationship terminated. Now I realize that in a small town where the pickings are very lean, this man may appear to you as manna from heaven. But there may be too high a price to pay for the pleasure of his company. Ultimately you will have to decide whether the game is worth the candle.
Best of luck to you
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel, Getting Enough
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