Damian Asked:
“OK, let me start off by saying that we have been friends for only a few months. She is a good friend but would like to pursue this even further if its possible. Just kinda confused is all. We ended up going out for drinks last night, went and picked her up and went to the bar. We had a great time. Two weeks ago, she asked me to go to a concert with her in July since we are both fans. I said yes and bought the tickets yesterday when they went on sale. I paid for them since she is struggling a bit financially, she said “I will pay you back for the ticket and 1/2 the hotel when I start making more money and get caught up on bills”. That’s when i said, she wouldn’t have to pay me back if this was gonna be a “date”. All she said was maybe, for the second time, I brought it up two weeks ago as well…. Now I’m not gonna jump and think this is a no or a yes, just confused I guess. I spent the night at her place last night so I didn’t have to drive home after drinking, on the couch though. Even got a kiss before going to sleep. That could have been a “I’m buzzed kiss” though. That’s why I don’t get the whole maybe bit. Yeah, it’s confusing to say the least. I was actually surprised by the invite to the concert, more out of the blue than anything. It was just something that grabbed my attention the other night when we were out. I was paying attention to any signals she might have been giving out. For example; when we were talking, I had her undivided attention, there was no glancing around the room. Maintained a strong level of eye contact throughout the night as well as the playful hitting that was involved when I teased her on occasion. If it’s just friends, so be it. However, I would certainly hope for more along with way if that is even a possibility. Any ideas would be helpful.” Thanks,
- Damian
Our Experts Responded:
Dear Damian,
Well it certainly sounds like you have the right ingredients for love to happen? But it also seems like there is something wrong in the mix! Though the signs from time to time seem very clear there is something more to this then meets the eye! As always the best advice anyone can give is to stress good communication. At this point you are assuming she is really into you, because of one thing or another? Why not just have a conversation about the possibilities? Now a days we are all scared of getting heartbroken…not realizing that the chance at love is worth risk the of heartbreak!
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve Been Expecting You!
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Damian,
Sounds like you are getting mixed messages from this woman. Some times people give us mixed messages because they in fact have mixed feelings about us. Haven’t you ever experienced that yourself? You are sort of interested in someone, and sort of not (for whatever reasons.) I can recall many times in my life where that was going on for me, and looking back, I am sure that it was confusing for the woman, just as you may be confused now.
So what do we do when we get such mixed messages? The standard advice is to ASK, to openly inquire what is up with the other person. This makes such sense, and yet often times it feels implausible to the person in your shoes: The more you are emotionally attached to the notion that you could have a relationship with this person, the more you feel emotionally at risk to “lay your cards on the table”. What if she rejects me? So what are we to do if the standard advise of openness doesn’t seem to work for you?
The other way to go is to engage in friendship, doing your best to LET GO of your attachment to it “being something more.” Here is why: If she in fact has mixed feelings toward the prospect of you as a boyfriend (for whatever reasons), SHE WILL BE LESS ATTRACTED TO YOU IF YOU SHOW UP AS NEEDY. Life is tough, but the more you appear unattached to her wanting you, the more likely her ambiguous feelings will resolve in her favor. Otherwise, you set up a dynamic in which she can feel that you want her, and your unstated wanting freezes her in her ambiguity.
Now how do you let go of your attachment? There is no easy answer to that question, at least none that I have found. Remind yourself that you hardly know this woman; you have no idea if she is “the one” for you (and she probably is not.) Try to see other women – that is the quickest way to break such an emotional attachment that is more likely to create suffering for you than to manifest a suitable partner. Stop making her “the one” in your mind, and then the chances that she might be will go up.
We tend to think “if I had the person as my partner, THEN I would feel good about myself.” Actually, nearly the opposite is more the truth: When you feel reasonably good about yourself, REGARDLESS of whether a prospect is attracted to you, then you are more likely to be attractive, to that prospect or to others…..
Good luck!
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Dear Damian,
Uncertainty is one of the most unsettling emotions one can feel because it stems from our core needs for control and acceptance. As long as you don’t know your status with this woman, you are feeling a certain lack of control combined with the desire to be romantically accepted by her. The sooner you let go of these needs, the better you’ll feel. The simple fact is that you have zero control over how she feels and anyone who says otherwise is deluding you. You can influence her feelings and my guess is that your uncertainty and resulting insecurity is actually making her doubt whatever romantic feelings she may have for you. Women like confidence and you are anything but confident, my friend!
Mature love says ”I need you because I love you” while immature love says “I love you because I need you”. It seems that you are basing a fair amount of your happiness on whether she accepts you romantically or not, a classic sign of immature love that is based more on your need for some semblance of safety and security than on anything else. If you were truly secure in yourself by yourself then you would feel free to love her as you see fit without worrying once about whether she feels the same way toward you or not… for her friendship would be enough. And the fact is that she accepts you as a friend. Flames come and go but I’ve had friends for over 30 of my almost 41 years on this planet. The woman I am with is my friend first and foremost because friendship built on respect is the foundation for any romance built on mature love.
What can you do? Two things: First, lose your attachment to whether she is into you romantically or not. Put it out of your mind. If she isn’t then you have lost nothing because you’re not with her now and you still have the friendship, which should be the most important thing. After all, if it’s not then how can you possibly have a decent romantic relationship with her? The mere fact that you feel that way about her is a wonderful thing because it means that you are truly alive and capable of the most sublime and mysterious emotions known to humanity. So you’re already ahead.
Second, accept the fact that you can’t control her feelings and choose to end your uncertainty by telling her point-blank how you feel. No hints, no games, no “if this is a date”, nothing. Just tell her straight up, face to face. I did that once with a woman friend I was hopelessly in love with. Turns out she didn’t feel the same way but she respected me for being honest and remains a good friend to this day. I lost nothing and in fact gained the freedom to find a partner who is much better for me romantically than my friend would have been.
The worst case scenario is that she will not feel the same way and will even feel uncomfortable about remaining friends with you. This is a good thing because that will be proof positive that she was never a true friend to you. You will be able to save your time and energy for someone else. If she does not feel romantically inclined toward you but is a true friend then she will admire your honesty and will remain your friend no matter what (provided you are mature about it and never pester her about it again). This is a good thing because you will have a friend for life who you can trust with pretty much anything… and that is worth its weight in gold. If she does feel romantically toward you then you will finally be free to fully develop the relationship on that level. This is a good thing for obvious reasons.
In short, Damian, this is a no-lose proposition provided you are honest, up-front and mature. The only way you can lose out is by letting this situation drag on.
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Dear Damian,
I have found that many people in your situation tend to avoid communicating exactly what their intentions are with each other. Clearly you desire to have a relationship with this woman as opposed to a friendship only arrangement. It is important to get your feelings out in the open, which requires you to be vulnerable. It certainly can be a little intimidating to open your heart to another person but it is necessary. If you are going to experience the love you seek, you need to be bold and make that move. You are not doing yourself and favors – or her for that matter, by not revealing what you want in a clear manner and then allowing the chips fall where they may. You both deserve lasting love and a friendship arrangement will not work for you if she is not open to pursuing a romantic relationship.
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Dear Damian,
From your description of the relationship you are having with this lady, it seems to me that you are in the midst of an enjoyable friendship which could deepen into something more comprehensive (I think you know what I mean). At present, the lady appears uncertain herself as to where the relationship is going. Her “maybe” implies that your friendship might develop into a genuine love and commitment or that it might simply remain the way it is. She is not yet sure whether she wants the “status quo” or wants something more profound which will signify a real responsibility towards you. If you would like your friendship to transform itself into love, you have two options. Option no. 1: Act towards her as though you sincerely want your relationship to blossom into a real commitment. Make her feel that she can be the most important person in your life if she really wants it. You obviously have a warm friendship now; perhaps it can indeed move in the direction of love. Option no. 2: Force the issue by asking her point blank in which direction she sees your relationship heading. If she gives you a non-committal answer, you can decide whether you want to continue being her friend and having good times together, or whether you would prefer looking elsewhere for a more significant relationship. If she does prefer just to remain friends, don’t be angry with her. Be grateful that she is being honest. If she does want to make a commitment, then act accordingly.
Best of luck
Author of the novel Getting Enough
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Damian,
Let’s clear this up quick. She was OPEN to being attracted to you but you have not done the things that will create that attraction. Just from your email I can tell that you’re doing a lot of things wrong.
Let me be clear… you are relieving anxiety in her when you hang out. And you think you might get rewarded for it. Women do not reward (in that way) for a relief in anxiety. They are just NOT programmed that way. You’re on a dead end course with “Let’s just be friends.” waiting for you and nothing more.
Can you recover? Yes. Will you be willing to? Maybe – maybe not.
Let me give you the number one ingredient to attraction and you’ll see, immediately, what you’ve been doing wrong. Then you can decide what you want to do.
Tension.
You must cause some tension but never too much. It takes a little practice but let me give you some broad strokes so you understand what you have not been doing and some little things you can do to change that.
How do people feel when they can’t pay for something? Embarrassed, guilty, inadequate, ashamed, etc. Then you tell her something along the lines of… “Don’t worry about it.” And maybe you add, “Pay me back when you can.” She feels a relief of tension. You have made her feel good. Congrats, bro. But you have also killed the number one ingredient in attraction… tension.
You’re in the habit of relieving people’s tension. It makes you feel good. It’s complicated why this is… but you don’t need to understand it to change. Here’s what you should do instead…
Her: I’ll pay you back for the ticket and 1/2 the hotel costs when I’m on my feet.
You: You’re damn right you will and don’t take all year about it.
Her: [laughs] No, I will.
You: Didn’t I just say that? Are you hard of hearing? [smile]
Her: I know but I want you to know… I don’t usually do this.
You: Why do you keep talking about it? It’s just money. Are you hung up on money? [laugh at her]
Her: No, but i don’t want it to look like I’m using you.
You: You are. If I was as boring as you I’d want to hang out with someone as exciting as me too.
See the difference? Now a lot of (nice) guys will think I’m acting like a jerk. But she will enjoy this conversation 10x more than any conversation with any nice guy on the planet. Why? I didn’t get rid of the tension… I made sure it was always a slow boil.
This tension is uncomfortable to her. She wants to get rid of it. How? Well, normally guys do it for her. But you don’t seem to be doing that. The only other way a woman knows how to get rid of tension is to leave or comply. When she laughs… she has complied. When she hits you she has complied. I must keep up a low level of tension so she has to keep complying to me. Every time she complies and lowers the tension she feels ‘enjoyment’. When she relieves tension in a situation she instinctively reevaluates you. She understands that reevaluation as “ATTRACTION”.
If you don’t think I’m right… I challenge you to do as I have suggested and see if her face doesn’t light up with pleasure. Your job is not to ease tension in her… Your job is to create attraction. Act before you lose your chance. Read more Tips for Flirting.
Also read my articles here at Love Detour.
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Damien,
It sounds like she likes you but is a little nervous about screwing up your friendship (yes, women really do think that way). Enjoy spending time with her and see where it goes. Good luck! Oh, and watch your alcohol consumption around her — you don’t want to say anything at the wrong time.
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Damian,
It sounds like she’s in another relationship and is just looking for companionship. You can either talk to her about her past or distract her from it…I suggest the ladder of the two. Girls just wanna have fun but the thing that’s keeping her on a string is the maturity of her past. Maybe she saw a future with him. If she’s really attracted to you, you’ll know. It’ll happen even quicker if it seems as though her chances with you are limited…
- Bill
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