Sara Asked:

“I dated a guy briefly in August of last year. I REALLY liked him, and he never made me doubt how he felt about me. He was constantly telling me how much he cared. One evening he came over to spend some time with me after work. I had a bad day and instead of talking to him about it, I just picked on him all night, and made him feel horrible about himself. The next day he was needless to say very upset with me, I tried to apoligize but by that point the damage had been done and by the following week, he broke up with me. Since he broke up with me, it seems though that he can’t stay away. He’ll text and occasionally call me on the phone just to see how i’m doing. He always leaves the future open ended with comments like ” well you don’t know what’s going to happen down the road” I know he’s been burned before in past relationships, and he’s made it clear to me that his trust in me is gone but do you think that we have a shot at a second chance??? I would love to gain his trust back, and see where our relationship might lead if giving another go.”

- Sara

Our Experts Responded:

Sara,

Normally I don’t answer women’s questions because men are responsible for 90% of any great relationship. But since you aren’t in a relationship yet…

(you’re making a mistake by the way… his insecurity will cause the both of you A LOT of grief…but whatever)

Trust?

You think that’s the issue here?  There’s only ever ONE thing… Attraction.  If you build it he will come…

People make relationship decisions based on INSTINCT.  You’re attacking a relationship problem with logic.  There is logic involved but you don’t have all the information.  A good example would be trying to play basketball using football’s rules.  You’re not going to do much right.  You can apply as much logic to the football rules as you would like… it still won’t help you play basketball.

You’re encountering the same thing.  Your silly football rules are preventing you from creating any attraction between the two of you.  You’re going to win him over doing the same thing I do with girls… (yeah, it works)

Sara’s-get-the-insecure-guy-back-game-plan!

Rule #1  Smile.  Smiling is super powerful.  It isn’t just a brightens your day thing… it’s an evolutionary symbol of safety.  Why safety is important is something you don’t really need to understand… just know that it is.  So when he can see you… SMILE!

Rule #2  Touch.  Nothing over a second.  Just a touch to the shoulder, forearm or occasionally the outside of a leg during normal conversation.  Touching is part of the mating ritual… it will cause his blood to flow!

Rule #3 Be Unavailable.  You can’t you’re busy.  Oh, you have a date that day.  Maybe Monday?  I’d love, love, love to but I can’t do it that day…how is Thursday?  Let me get back to you on that, but it sounds really, really fun.  I’m soooo busy but I totally want to see you!  Rework the date/meeting to a different day then he’ll want it to happen because he’s afraid it won’t.

Rule #4 Send Mixed Signals.  Have you been working out?  (Feel his muscle…not that muscle!)  You look great, what’s your secret?  You seem like you’ve got something great going in your life, I like it!  But then have your phone alarm scheduled to go off… pretend it’s a phone call and walk off to talk.  Just hold your finger up to him as if you’ll be “just one minute” and then disappear for five.  Say “no” a lot.  He wants to get ice cream… you say “no” then tell him his shirt is really sexy.  Then turn away from him to look at something that “caught your interest.”

Yup, I know… seems risky.  Might backfire.  You don’t like to play games.  That’s not who you are.

I’ve heard all the excuses.  They are the people who don’t like what’s happening in their life and change it and reap the benefits of achieving the goals and there are those that complain about their life.  You decide.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make her drink…

- Dan Hitt

————————————————————

Well Sara,

The GOOD news is, he’s still CALLING you. And, any guy who breaks up with you because you HURT him, yet still TALKS to you a lot, is a guy who still likes/loves you and doesn’t totally want to end it (that’s a little secret for ya) So what YOU have to do, is not mess UP again if he takes you back.

Right now you’re in a good position. If he still likes you (which he obviously does) it won’t be hard to suck the guy back in at all. It may take a week, tops, if you do what you’re supposed to. Just keep talking to him, show him he can trust you, start telling him things he doesn’t even ASK about, to show him he can trust you. (Wow, I can’t even believe I’m TELLING you all this.) As time goes on, he’ll soften up and give you another chance. It may even take two or THREE weeks (instead of one). Just don’t give UP if he’s really that important to you.

P.S. Even though I’m HELPING you, I still think you were VERY wrong for what you did, and deserved to be broken up with. Why would you pick on a guy you’re DATING like that, and make HIM feel like shit (ABOUT HIMSELF) because YOU’RE mad about something ELSE? That’s terrible and stupid. However, I ALSO think that may have opened your EYES now so that you won’t make the same mistake TWICE with this guy. At least I’m HOPING you won’t.

Anyway, Good luck!

- Jason Love

————————————————————

Dear Sara:

It seems to me that the guy you are still very fond of is very conflicted himself. He has been burned before, as you emphasize yourself, in previous relationships, so he is afraid to trust you again. He is afraid that another disaster awaits him. Yet he obviously still cares about you very much since he keeps texting you and calls you now and then. He’s leaving the future “open-ended” as you say is in flagrant contradiction to his inability to trust you anymore. So, as you can see, the guy is really hung-up. It is courageous of you to acknowledge that you are largely to blame for turning him off by making him feel “horrible about himself,” and you obviously want to get him back. So what should you do now? I would suggest that you take the bull by the horns, Request a meeting with him. Have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart discussion. Assure him that you will go to any ends to win his confidence back. Tell him that you want to prove to him that your relationship can work. This may be the very catalyst that can reactivate your love. If he refuses to believe you, then, obviously, the relationship will be over. But at least you will no longer be living in this uncertainty. I wish you the best of luck in trying to get him back.

Yours truly
- Dr. Leonard Rosmarin
Author of the novel Getting Enough

————————————————————

Dear Sara,

You made a very big mistake but at least now you can see that your every action has a consequence! If you really have feelings for this guy? Other then just upset because you treated him badly…then talk to him! I can’t emphasize enough how important communication is in any relationship! How can you grow in a relationship if you close yourself off to your partner just when you need them most. So you had a bad day, so what! Don’t think that by talking to him, he could have helped you get over it. You didn’t give him a chance and instead punished him for being there!

Girl! A good man is hard to find! It makes no sense to treat someone badly just because you had a moment! We all have them…if you just release the energy about that anger to someone… surprisingly enough you will find that it was not as bad as you thought. Many times people can see things in a totally different perspective and sometimes you need that other vision to truly understand what you are feeling and why!

Talk to him…Communicate…you might just be surprised that he has been waiting for you to see your mistake and admit it…tell him you have a great thing together and you want to find out what the future holds!

Good luck

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

————————————————————

Dear Sara,

You don’t like this guy one bit and no amount of guilt you (rightly) feel about taking your bad day out on him can change that. If you really did like him then you would have turned to him for support and been genuinely thankful for his presence. In other words, you would have proven yourself to be different—and better than—the previous women who had “burned” him. But no, instead you decided to prove all of his fears correct and cost yourself a potentially wonderful relationship. Why on Earth should he trust you when your first instinct was to turn on him because you “had a bad day”?

Of course  he keeps coming around because you burned him and he’s learned that “burning” is normal. He hates it but that’s all he knows so he keeps coming back like a moth to the flame despite knowing that bring burned is neither pleasant nor healthy.

The single best thing you can do is own up to your awful behavior and tell him to stop contacting you because he deserves better and will not regain his trust in anyone unless and until you are out of his life. You must then enforce that by refusing to answer his calls/texts/emails/etc. and by not contacting him. Anything else will only prolong the harm you caused and prove his impressions of you from that fateful night to be absolutely correct.

Please…. Show some character.

- Anthony Hernandez

————————————————————

Dear Sara,

It appears that he is more attracted to you outside of a relationship where he is not required to be completely open and vulnerable than when he is officially in a committed relationship.  He continues to say statements that you can interpret as a possibility for reconciliation but I assure you that he does not have that intention.  A man who wants to be with you will not be vague about it and will move heaven and earth to make it happen.  I encourage you to let this guy go and stop communicating with him once and for all.  You deserve a real relationship with a man who is not afraid of love.  I know you are looking back at one particular incident and telling yourself that was the reason he broke up with you in the first place.  I promise that even though that incident pushed his buttons, it was not the core reason why he ran away.  In the right relationship, both people give each other room for having a bad day and the grace to talk through it.  You did learn the importance of sharing and expressing your feelings as they happen instead of bottling them up and taking out your frustrations on those closest to you.  This was a huge blessing that  you can incorporate in your future relationship with the right man.

- Nancy Pina

————————————————————

Sara,

From what you say, it sounds like he liked you and was going through his evaluation of you during your courtship.  When you snapped, he saw a side of you that he felt he could not deal with.  You hurt him and in the courtship period he can take it or leave it.  However, it also sounds like he likes you but is unsure about whether or not to try and continue a relationship with you or just lead you on for a plaything.  It is difficult to say for sure what his intentions are but your only move is to let him know how you feel then watch his actions, not so much what he says.  Do not discredit what he says by any means, but guard your heart.  Be smart young lady, you tread on dangerous ground here, trying to rekindle a relationship with a hurt man.  Spite, vengeance, hate, revenge could all be running through his heart; just be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt chasing a pipe dream.  I hope this helped.  Keep me posted.  God bless.

- Cinique’

Rate This Post:

Did you like this article? Submit it to your favorite social bookmarking sites:

About The Expert

On our About the Expert page, you can learn more about the author, including contact information and other posts they've written. About Admin.