Karstens Asked:

“there is a guy i’ve known for not quite 2 years that i share a fairly deep friendship with. we met through our older brothers, who are good friends, and school activities. i really like him but am not sure whether love is the right word because i’ve never had feelings like this before. he has a girlfriend that he’s been with for a couple of years, so i don’t want to make a move and ruin the relationship. what can i do?”

- karstens (U.S.)

Our Experts Responded:

Karstens,

First let me say that the fact that you are even asking a question about what to do in reference to him would indicate strong feelings for him. I am very straight forward when it comes to feelings, even though I had to learn too. I would just tell him how I feel, and let him make the next move. Now I don’t condone drama and trying to break relationships, but this is your only option besides waiting on him and her to break up. Then, at least if he ends up marrying her and living happily ever after, you will know that you made an effort and he just didn’t feel for you like that. It will save you a lifetime of stress, heart ache, and possibly keep you from your true love. On the other hand, what if you tell him and he decides to leave his girl because he felt the same way about you? Maybe the old girlfriend won’t like it much but it really isn’t her choice. You could be even more blunt and tell them both, this would force an answer on the spot, but it takes some real cohunes and tact, layered with self control to achieve this in peace. That’s about the only advice I can give in this situation. Just be smart and use caution, if conflict arises, apologize and separate yourself from him and her for a good while. By the way, if you tell him, please do not have sex with him afterward. He will think that he can have his cake and eat it too so to speak. I hope that helped. Keep me posted.

- Cinique’

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Dear Karstens,

I believe one can have strong feelings of brotherly type love towards people we consider friends. Because you have never had feelings like this before, it is understandable that you may not know how to categorize it. You shared that this young man has a girlfriend, so he is not romantically available. When you establish a deepen emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex, you are walking a fine line. Many times those lines get blurred and intimate feelings are shared which should not be.

Please do not make a move which will not only ruin his relationship, but also the friendship you have with each other. If you are finding yourself wanting more than friendship with him, then I encourage you to broaden your social network and start spending time with a variety of people.

- Nancy Pina

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Dear Karstens

You answered your own question! New love can be bittersweet ? He is already involved with a girl for 2 years. In the end you don’t want to start off with someone by causing a breakup of what they already have? Life and love have a way of coming back around to you! While you are pining for this guy…you could be unaware that someone is looking at you and wishing they had a Chance with you? Don’t concentrate on something that may never be? Instead look at all the opportunities around you and know when it is real? You won’t have to ask “Is this love?”

- Gina Landeau
Hello Ms. Heartbreak, I’ve been expecting you!

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Karstens,

let me tell you exactly what you should do…Nothing! I understand that you have feelings for this guy, but you should never want to ruin a happy home, because you don’t want that done to yourself.. Now if your crush and his girlfriend breakup, then you can pursue him, but until then just be his associate. Remember, with situations like this, you always want to put yourself in his current girlfriend’s position. Now would you really want some woman trying to move in on your boyfriend that you love…probably not. Besides, if he were to cheat on his girl with you, there is a pretty great chance that he’ll do the same thing to you.

-Porsche Simpson

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Dear Karstens,

My grandmother always taught me that beauty is as beauty does. You are beautiful, because though you are faced with these feelings and attraction to your friend, you respect your friend enough to know that revealing your feelings to him would put him in the tough place of hurting you or hurting his girlfriend. If you are his friend, and care about him, you want him to be happy. Of course, you want to be happy too… so what to do?

Try to get over those feelings. If your feelings are too strong, put some distance between you and him for awhile… seek out other activities and friends that you enjoy. Don’t get hung up on one guy, you are young and if you keep your heart open, new opportunities will arise.

If you choose to tell him, imagine what would happen – if he doesn’t share similar feelings for you, he has to tell you, which would put an awkward strain on the friendship to say the least. If he is attracted to you, he has the problem of having a girlfriend. He could either end that relationship, or string you both along not making any real decision. If he does the first, you become the girlfriend just waiting around until someone better comes along that he leaves you for. If he leads you both on, he is not considering your feelings or hers. If he was your boyfriend – what would you want him to do?

I think you already know what you should (or should not) do.

Best wishes,

- Emily Bertholf

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Mizz karstens,

At this age there are certain moments you’ll remember for the rest of your life. As a growing woman you’ll meet men who will have this same problem with you. What would you do? I surly couldn’t answer that question but if you’re having a hard time doing it, I’d say leave this one alone. He’s been with her for two years. If you do have an idea, I’d say go with your gut on this one. You like him for a reason. A good way to seal the deal is to flirt with his girlfriend. It sounds awkward but it’s more like you getting along closely and abruptly with one of his friends. Not only can you get away with it but he won’t meet very many people like you. The more awkward the memorable.

- Bill Wilburn

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Dear karstens,

Unfortunately, this isn’t much to GO on, because I’m not sure how he feels about YOU. Has he ever given you any sort of indication that he has any feelings toward you, or is it just a deep FRIENDSHIP? If he seems to be all about his current girl, and that situation is going well and he’s HAPPY, I’d advise you to keep your feelings to YOURSELF for right now. Because otherwise it could cause him to get uncomfortable around you, and you don’t want that.

Now, I WILL say THIS: There IS something you CAN do to test the waters and see if he’d be into you. The next time he complains about his girlfriend, or has a problem with something she did or didn’t do, simply respond by saying “Wow, that’s crazy. If *I* was your girl, I would NEVER do that” or “I’d ALWAYS…” blah blah blah (whatever the problem is). See if he eventually starts to respond to it.

I had a best friend about 10 years ago, BEAUTIFUL girl, I’d always kind of crushed on, but never really spoke about it because we were just friends. One day, I was talking to her on the phone, telling her about my night, and BAM! She confessed to me that she had feelings for me. ABSOLUTELY FLOORED me! I was SHOCKED, but in a GOOD way. Unfortunately, we never did anything about it.

Now, the POINT of that ^^ story? Simple. If YOU ever get the chance, and you both DO like each other, go ahead & make it work! If he says he likes you but doesn’t wanna hurt his gf, ask him why he’s fighting so hard against making himself happy? Why is he more concerned with “being nice” than he is with being happy? (This is only if he DOES like you, or if he IS no longer happy with his gf. Otherwise, don’t say this! lol) Next time you see him, peck him on the lips and see how he responds or if he reacts funny. You’ll be able to tell as time goes on how he feels about you.

- Jason Love

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